I’ve been feeling in a quandary for a long time about my lack of ability to focus on me, my work, and earning money that would make my life a whole lot easier. I know responsibilities I have toward vulnerable members of my family don’t take ALL my time and energy. At least they don’t need to! But there’s still the issue of where I put my attention when I’m alone at home! Do I think about my stuff and what I need to do about it, or do I continue to worry about other’s problems, feelings and needs, and concentrate on how I can best help them feel better! It is usually the latter, I’m afraid to say! But this way of living isn’t working any more for me. Something has to change – and quickly!
Life is about ebbs and flows of intensity it seems, and this week for me has culminated in being a time of extreme emotional discomfort, as my problems magnified my emotional intensity, irritating panic, and need to find the answers that will take my life off of the ‘PAUSE’ button – at least for a time!
I am assertive and can usually ask for what I want and need! But lately I’ve felt my internal power reducing, my confidence weakening even further! ‘For Gods sake, how much lower have I got to go before I see what I’ve got to do, what I’ve got to change’ I cried in frustration, as I could still feel the nausea in my solar plexus, that I’d been feeling for the past four days! ‘Why won’t I let myself sort me out?’!
I’ve been taking a remedy given to me by my friend Gary Johnson, an expert in Cellular Vibrational Therapy (http://www.garyjohnson.org.uk/gary-johnson), after I’d asked him for help a couple of weeks ago. So I realised that as his powerful remedies always work on really deep issues, the emotional intensity I was experiencing was probably caused by the remedy, pushing the energy of those issues to the surface, to be released! Because I like to understand what’s happening to my energetic system, I usually try to work with the remedy and identify how I’m feeling and why, and if there’s anything I need to do to help myself further! This time was no different, so because I’ve felt so intense, I’ve dedicated this morning to me, and decided to meditate in order to intuitively find some answers!
As I meditated I was interested to see my Sister of Mercy appear. She normally carries a very large folder containing loads of loose papers, but this time the folder was much thinner, with just a few sheets of paper remaining. I’m always working on my progress, one way or another, not always with obvious results I would add! Thus it became apparent that whilst I’d been feeling so frustrated, because I thought I wasn’t moving forward; on an energetic spiritual level I’d actually got rid of old baggage (represented by the reduction of the huge file). This made me feel better immediately, as now I know I’ve not just been wasting my time! Then she showed me a page which said simply…’Chrissie Batten – The Psychicologist’! Strange – I’ve never heard the word ‘psycicologist’ before, but I’ll definitely give it some thought!
Feeling more relaxed I placed my attention on to why I felt so stuck. There’s always a logical reason for everything we do, often hidden deep in our unconscious mind. So as I needed to find the internal reasoning that was ultimately blocking me from living my own life, I asked myself… why wasn’t I meeting my needs? Why did I consider other people as priority over my life? As my mind started to wander along recent memories of family members I’d been helping, who I worried so much about, I started to get echoes of the past, to the time of my father, who died in 1976.
It might help you understand if I provide a bit of background info! My parents separated in 1975, after he had a ten-year on/off affair with the office secretary. The shame of this event at that time felt really bad, and my mother was filled with toxic emotion that had no-where to go, as there was no such thing as ‘counsellors’ then! What could she do? So when she’d had enough of the lies, deceit, being made to feel bad about herself and life, she gave him the ultimatum! They’d been married over forty years, yet he chose the other woman over her, even though he’d promised to stop the affair many times!
Anyone whose parents have split, will understand the pain and turmoil that happens to children who are caught in the middle, who get pulled emotionally in so many different directions. As regardless of how much we try to stay out of it, or protect them from it, we can’t! I was twenty-eight at the time, married with one child. But it still like felt my world had fallen apart! When my own marriage failed in 1999, I was very aware that my adult children would suffer as much as I did. And although I knew I’d made the right decision for me at the time, I deeply regretted that this had to happen to them!
Anyway, back to dad! When affairs occur, there’s also an element of wishful thinking, such as ‘If only we could find a way to be together all of the time’ which dulls the reality of common sense! The OW had children, and also a child by my father. So when dad moved in with the OW he spent what little money he had on replacing her washing machine, fridge, cooker, buying stuff for her and the kids (he wouldn’t spend anything on my mum). But soon there were problems! Who can escape them? The husband wanted her back, started trying to woo her in various ways, and kept pressurising her to throw my dad out of their house.
Although my dad no longer had contact with my mum, he used to visit me regularly. One day, when he was eating dinner, he started crying. I’d only ever seen him cry once before, when I was about nine, after our pet dog had been put to sleep. So it sort of startled me, to see him sobbing in front of me. When I asked him why he was crying, he said it was all about the split-up and the problems he was having because of the OW and her husband! ‘But I thought it was what you wanted’ I exclaimed to him, not fully understanding, in my naivety, why he was crying about getting something he wanted!
He thought he needed money to keep the OW, but he didn’t have any – he’d already spent what he did have on her. We’ve never been a rich family, and the truth is money has always been tight! So I never had any spare cash I could give him! I had £2 left in my purse, and told him he could take that. But he said it wasn’t enough! As now he didn’t have enough work as a driving instructor to ‘buy’ her, she wanted him to leave. He’d told her ‘The only way you’ll get me out of here is in a box!’.
He was my dad, and it hurt to see him in so much turmoil. Him and mum had only been separated for three months, yet it felt much longer! I was also in turmoil, as I wanted to tell him to go back to mum. She’d forgive him! I knew she would, because although she was so angry because of what he did, she still loved him! But he’d mucked us all about for ten years, he’d made his choice, now he would have to deal with it! I didn’t tell him this though! I just gave him a cuddle, and said it would probably take a bit more time for it all to sort itself out!
When he rang the next week on Thursday to ask if he could come over that afternoon, I was busy with some school stuff! So I said I’d see him the next day, Friday, when I’d cook him a nice dinner. I asked if he was okay, he said he was! That night, at 11.30 pm, I was on the phone to my mother. As we lived twenty miles apart, we had late night chats! Whilst we were talking I felt worried when I heard her doorbell ring! ‘Be careful mum’ I said to her, ‘ask who it is, before you open the door’! I listened on the other end of the phone, tensely waiting, wondering why someone would be calling so late! I pictured my mum opening the street door, hearing the door open. There was the sound of low voices before I heard my mum making a sound I couldn’t make out. She came back on the phone and said ‘I’ll call you back in a minute’, before slamming the phone down on the receiver!
Have you ever had that terrible feeling of being absolutely powerless in a crisis? Well that’s what I felt then! I knew it must be something serious because of the late night visit. But from whom? My mind started to race in fear. Twenty minutes later I apprehensively rang my mum, when she told me that it was the OW at the door, with the police. ‘Tony (my dad) had taken an ‘overdose’, the OW had said. ‘He was dead!’.
Actually, it didn’t take an overdose to kill him! He used cyanide, where just a couple of granules is lethal!
So he’d thought about it, planned it, even spoke about it! Yet no-one had heard him! There was an inquest, where a letter was produced, that he had written to Marjorie Proops. She was a famous Agony Aunt of that time, on T.V. and radio, and used to write in newspapers and magazines. In the letter he spoke of his pain and confusion, and fear of being rejected by the OW. But he never posted the letter – it was in his jacket pocket! However, Marjorie Proops did get to hear of it, and replied through the media, where as she spoke of the letter and it’s contents, she wrote something like… ‘This poor man had no-one to turn to for help when he needed it most’. Which infuriated me at the time, because he did have someone. He had his wife and family. He had me! So why couldn’t I have stopped him from doing what he did? Why didn’t he tell me how bad he felt? Why didn’t I realise he was so depressed and desperate?
The dysfunction thinking that ‘If only…’ statements create, abounded at the time… and since…
*If only I’d seen how unhappy he was, I might have been able to talk him into going back to mum!
*If only I’d intervened somehow, and made sure he and mum stayed together!
*If only I’d know what he was planning I might have been able to get him some help!
*If only I’d had more time, and could have done more for him!
*If only I’d not said no, when he asked to visit me that day, he might still be alive!
*If only he hadn’t killed himself, I would not be feeling so bad!
So there it was…the reason why I find it so hard to refuse help to those in crisis! My fear that I was somehow responsible for his death! And the fear that only overwhelming emotional pain can manifest, that I was afraid I would not be able to cope with it again!
Logically I can say that I wasn’t responsible for what he did – how could I be? But deep down I wonder whether, if he had visited me that day, he might have been able to express his intent, as a cry for the help he so desperately needed. I also wonder whether the reason why he wanted to visit that day was to ask for help, or to say goodbye?
I was probably the last person he spoke to! …But he died feeling unloved! …But we all still loved him so much!!
This has been a powerful realisation for me today! I knew I had these thoughts of regret and guilt locked away deep inside my mind and heart, and have often worked on them in the past. He committed suicide over thirty years ago. But there were residues left, that were enough to create the preventative logic that I created as a consequence of my father’s suicide, and which goes something like this….
….‘I must stop people feeling too overwhelmed, in case they can’t cope and kill themselves, or become ill and die(other childhood issues created this)..BECAUSE…I can’t cope with this (loss) happening again!’.
Deep rooted fears can, given time, often present as a self-fulfilling prophecy! This almost did, whilst I contemplated my own demise, which I may write about another time! But for now I have more self-healing to do, by monitoring my motivations, thoughts and ensuring I walk the right pathway for me . And now that I understand the reasons why my personal logic was so protective toward others, in order to protect me from suffering further, I feel more able to take appropriate, corrective action, and say ‘No, I can’t do it today!’ when necessary. But it’s not going to be easy, as even as I write this I can feel the panic rise when I make that simple statement!
Small steps in the right direction though, eh! Better get another remedy ready Gary…!!