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Archive for April, 2012

Life is glorious, life is magical, but life is so bloody hard at times, I’m amazed that so many of us survive for as long as we do.  The human body is a miracle, in that something so fragile as our skin, organs and bones can withstand so much pain and trauma, yet we still live, we still breathe, we still survive – somehow!

But when our mind becomes broken, our world stops.  And as we enter what I can only describe through personal experience, as the hell of insanity, instead of us being in control of our mind, our desperate, destructive thoughts compel us to take action that can harm us or others, because it, our negative personality, has taken control of us!

And even though we still breathe and survive, we stop living for a time, until we regain our sense of self, and can start to rebuild our confidence enough to start living our life again.  But even then, we are so scared by what’s happened to us, and afraid that it might happen again, we can if we’re not careful, teeter anxiously on the verge of insanity for the rest of our lives!

Many people are living on the edge of the proverbial cliff at the moment, due to the political and financial climate that affects us all in some way.  This means most of us are under extra stress. And whilst most people cope with their situation and how they are feeling, there are many who don’t!  People of all ages whose thoughts and emotions juxtaposition themselves into a crisis that cannot be contained within their over-filled anxious mind, and where lack of control over their life and their self creates an emotional or mental breakdown that can take months, or even years to recover from.

You don’t have to be weak to have a breakdown. You can be strong and resilient.  You can be resourceful and energetic.  You could be positive and have good intentions – but when that overload occurs, none of this seems to be enough to withstand the torrent of negativity that surfaces, as a consequence of repressed emotion, depression and anxiety, that leads to breakdown.

There are many causes of breakdown, including basic things like too much stress, boredom, emotional disturbance caused by addictive dependencies etc.   In fact anything that creates what we perceive as an irresolvable  problem for us, makes us susceptible to breakdown. Because as we struggle to work it out, and can’t, we focus our creative mind on impossibilities that create a spiralling energy, that can overwhelm and debilitate us even more, eventually tipping the balance that allows our negative mind to gain overall control of our sense of logic – because we’re too tired to fight our thoughts any more!

Another cause of breakdown is when we seek entry into the spiritual realms, where our vulnerable consciousness is unprepared for the force of negative energy that we expose ourselves to, when we open our mind to the unknown spiritual forces that exist.

And whilst in any breakdown, the negative mind will do it’s utmost to keep us paralysed in fear, until we become strong enough to challenge it once more and regain control.  Spiritually induced breakdown is different, in that our negative thoughts and visions may just be true on a different dimensional level, and what we witness real.  Where trying to survive our extreme terror, as we strive to define true reality, causes us our biggest problems!

As we recover from breakdown, it’s normal to wonder if life will ever return to normal.  Our traumatised self doesn’t find it easy any more to do simple tasks, to plan simple things in advance, to do simple things that bring us pleasure.  But this doesn’t mean that life cannot or will not be good in the future.  It just means that somehow we have to find a different way to live life, to look after ourself.  And identify a better way to manage who we are and what we do.

This journey is a process, that can take a long time. Because it involves walking a path of stepping-stones that lead us on slowly but surely to the next stage of our life.  Where as our mind, confidence and emotions heal themselves, just like our broken bones do, we can if we look hard and long enough, find the true purpose for our existence, that can allow us accept that our suffering has been worthwhile!

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I’ve spent my life searching for one thing or another, and have become extremely proficient at achieving most goals I set my sights upon.  But it worries me that I have developed so many skills and abilities, yet I’m still searching and still feel unfulfilled!

Setting clear goals to aim for is vitally important if we want to achieve more. And as my career path has been a stumbling block for some time now, because I seem unable to clarify what exactly I want to be doing with my life, I decided to review my career goal, by imaging as clearly as I could what success would mean to me.

As I closed my eyes the images were already starting to appear, where I could see myself at a huge, posh reception. My family was there also,  and we mingled with the celebrities and other successful business people, holding glasses of sparkling champagne in our hands.

When I asked my higher mind why I was there, it became apparent that we were all there to celebrate the success of my book, where publishers, publicity agents, press, people who had liked my work, were congratulating me on my success.

Even though this scenario prompted my anxiety as I envisaged its reality, I tried to make myself feel proud of me, as I watched the scenes evolve, relieved to think that maybe one day my current book would find it’s way out of storage, and others in my head might eventually be published.  But I wondered how this could ever actualise, as one of my biggest problems is my lack of ability to market myself.

Thus selling my creations has proven somewhat difficult in the past.  As regardless of the high quality and efficacy of my product, which I could acknowledge, I had problems promoting me – for various reasons I won’t even go into.  As the truth is, they should not still be affecting me now, after all the work I’ve done on myself!

So, because this was a self-awareness exercise, I knew I had to think about the scenes in my mind and find a way to see what I’d been missing!

A couple of days later, I realised that whilst the scenes I’d imagined may come as a consequence of my success as an author, there was still something missing.  As where did I go from there?  Would I aim for more successful writing, more fame, more money?  How would that make me feel?  The answer was clear!  This sort of success provided a sense of safety and esteem, as it could bring forth the financial stability I’d been striving to find for many years.  But it didn’t make me feel complete or euphoric!

Amongst other things I’m a counsellor, a helper, a healer, a light worker, or whatever else describes people like me, who have the ability and desire to help others cope with their lives. I know when I make a positive difference to someone’s life, because I get a wonderful feeling in my heart centre that confirms I’ve been helpful in some way.  Some describe this feeling as love, but it’s more than that.  It’s a feeling of totality that incorporates all other good feelings. But in the celebratory scenes in my mind, I didn’t have that feeling.  I felt proud of myself, relieved that my hard work had paid off, and grateful that my accomplishments had been recognised.  But I didn’t get that special feeling in my heart centre, that I loved to feel, and that made my efforts worthwhile!

The creation of my beautiful guidance cards (Insight Pocket Cards – available from my website, Amazon or Waterstone’s), was derived from spiritual guiding messages I’d received over the last twenty years.  One of the messages went something like this…..‘Fame is just for an instant.  So if you simply aim to achieve fame you will always feel a loser.  But if you search for meaning and purpose your name could live on forever!’

I’d taken this message on board when I received it many years ago, and appreciated being reminded that the ego can fool us so easily into believing we’re doing the right thing for the right reasons, when really we’re not.  But now this message had even more relevance to it, because although my intent was to aim for the highest good, the celebration scenes in my mind were clearly about financial security and stardom!

This doesn’t mean that it’s a bad thing or we can’t have it all.  It just means that maybe the long-term meaning and purpose has to come first, before we can claim the benefits of the rewards.  I thought I already knew this.  Just goes to show how we can fool ourselves doesn’t it!

Now at last I can recognise the stumbling block (I’ve sabotaged my success and fulfilment because I’ve been aiming for the wrong thing), I’ve got some work to do with my unconscious. Where I have to consciously create a route between now and the celebration party, that is filled with things that generate the good feeling I get in my heart when I’ve helped someone.

So instead of just seeking ways to earn money through my products, I guess my search is now going to be about how to find that good feeling in my heart, which hopefully will guide me toward my higher purpose.  The search continues…..I’ll let you know how I get on!

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I’ve found myself thinking about my broken dreams recently.  You know, the ones where you knew you could change society if you did this or that.  Where you believed you had the power to somehow make a difference to the world! Dreams that led you to believe that even though life has been mostly filled with shit, what you had learned through your own pain and suffering, could somehow be put to good use to help others avoid what you have been through – meaning there was a point to your life after all!  And that there is a reason why you are living on this earth, other than to suffer constant battles caused by your mental and emotional torment!

I had so many dreams!  Dreams which I’ve striven to bring into fruition.  But if you ask me if I succeeded in completing those dreams, I would have to say ‘I don’t really know’!  My life has been filled with disruptive and painful experiences that have dominated and squashed my creativity.  And I’ve felt for many, many years that I’m living one life, but yearning to live a different one.  One where I feel fulfilled, content and happy. 

But although I’ve recreated myself many times, and striven to be the best I can be, I’ve not located that life.  As I still feel similar to how I did fifty years ago.  When I was a lonely, overweight child, with low self-esteem, who used to dream of the part she would play in the world someday, and where because she could help them, people recognised her true qualities that made her worthy to be accepted as one of them!

So because I still feel this way, even after many years of self-development, my logic tells me that if I’d succeeded in fulfilling my dreams I would be feeling a lot better than I do wouldn’t I?  But  then another part of me steps in to remind me that as I’ve done what I believed to be the right thing, most of the time, then how could I have got it so wrong?

What’s really strange though, is that now, when I try to remember what my dreams were, I can’t!  I’ve tried to recall the decisions I made many years ago, that laid the pathway for my adult choices.  But it’s as though they never existed.  There are no dreams or aspirations in my mind.  No expectant enthusiasm or excitement, or a desiring heart.  So if I didn’t fulfil my dreams, where are they?  Did I give them up?  Did I lose hope that they would ever manifest?  Have I become a pessimist, or have I just got real?

Mind you, whilst I’ve been in voluntary hermit-land for a while now, to try and sort myself out, the world I knew has gone, disappeared completely – just like my old dreams!  Society has changed.  And whilst I believed I was different from others who were successful, fulfilled and happy, inasmuch as I lacked the confidence to promote myself and was fearful of many things, I’m seeing more and more people following in my footsteps of the past.  Where worry, fear and self-doubt  cause havoc to their well-being. So whilst it feels like nothing has really changed, nothing is the same!  How weird is that?

So, I’m looking at the bigger picture now, for the future.  And taking into consideration the wisdom I’ve acquired throughout my life, that tells me that worrying about what might be is detrimental, and causes a stress over-load that I can do without.  I’m also acknowledging the spiritual ethos of accepting all is well in this moment, as then I’m able to stop myself spiralling out of control in panic, whilst I consider that I might actually be a failure!

This means I’m able to consider the implications that evolution is causing to happen to us.  Where the guidance given by spiritual masters over the years actually starts to come together and make sense at long last.  Where living in the moment means we will naturally discard the burden of emotional baggage we’ve carried throughout our existence, meaning we will be free from ego conflict that can drive us away from our dreams, desires and soul purpose.  This includes dreams of the past, that we designed to eradicate our pain.

Then I have to remind myself that as my life is not yet over, there is still time for me to accomplish what I need to do. What that is I’ve no idea, as I don’t think I have the energy any more to create ambitious targets to complete.  So I’ve made the decision to stop striving to attain, and just allow myself to go with the flow!  As then I should be in the right place at the right time, to do whatever needs to be done, according to my soul destiny!  That’s the theory anyway – for now!

I’ll let you know how I get on!  But for now, I think I realise that dreaming about how I can change the future is not necessary, as if I allow my intuitive mind to remain in play, nature will guide me all the way, as it will you, if you do the same!  And whilst I may feel I’m alone with my painful thoughts and emotions, I know now that I’m really a part of a large team.  A team called the human race, that is perfecting it’s performance in order to win the game of life!

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