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Archive for the ‘Destiny’ Category

It’s surprising how quickly events can turn our lives around, once we learn to ride the storm and allow ourselves to go with the flow…!

We don’t, and can’t always know where we’re headed.  And that’s the problem for many of us….because we can’t see where we’re going, we think the direction is wrong or marred in some way. When really, life is, and is meant to be, a wonderful voyage of discovery.  Where our experiences, trials, and tribulations are designed by our angelic selves, to bring out the best of our human potential.

If only our blindness wouldn’t cause such panic and resistance, we would cruise along on the creative energy that is specifically primed to fulfill our dreams.

We will all learn to trust in this process eventually – for that is our higher destiny.  But for now the pressure is on us all to let go of the safety net that contains our past.  For all that exists there is our pain, hurts and disappointments!

If we let the past go – retaining an open, expectant and optimistic mind, we will enjoy the fruits of our labour – we will get what we’ve yearned for, dreamt about, waited so long to touch.  We will get to see ourselves for all that we actually are…and from that moment on, the sky’s the limit, as there will be no fear holding us back…!

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Getting unstuck…!

Sometimes, when we feel stuck, we don’t realise that we’re not actually moving anywhere, because we’ve reached a crossroads in our life where we have to make a decision, and decide which road to take.

Many people fail to move beyond this point because they don’t know what decision to make, or what action to take.  So they stay in the same place, treading water so to speak, getting more and more frustrated…and afraid that their life will never change! Whilst their mind and their habits become more deeply ingrained, and harder to change.

The important thing to remember is that we are an energetic being, living in an energetic world.  So if we stop ourselves moving out of our comfort zone, our energy will not flow correctly – leaving us feeling stuck!

However, we must realise that we can choose to take any road that feels right for us, and if it turns out not to be, then we can take the next exit point off and get ourselves back on the right track.

Another hurdle that stops us moving beyond our stuck points is when we believe the decision we make to move to the next stage of life, has to be a permanent solution or resolution.  But the truth is our pathways, just like our problems, can change at any time.  There is no real permanence to any situation or relationship, as everything in life is transitional…!

I’ve had a little book for many years, that I often use as an oracle.  Written by Susan Hayward…titled ‘Begin it Now’. ISBN 0959043942.

The book contains various useful quotes to help us find clarity and guidance.  I thought I’d include one in this blog, as the words were so pertinent to this topic of being stuck….

‘A step in the wrong direction is better than staying on the spot all your life. Once you’re moving forward you can correct your course as you go. Your automatic guidance system cannot guide you when you’re standing still!’

Written by Maxwell Maltz.

So, the important thing to remember is, when we’re feeling stuck, take some form of action that will move us off the spot, and get us unstuck.

We cannot always know our decision is the right one, until we’ve moved on a bit.  But if we don’t do anything, we cannot move anywhere and nothing will change for us!  Our destiny awaits…but we have to walk our pathway to reach it!

So however small, make that decision today, to change your habitual stuck behaviour that may feel safe…but is suffocating you and your creativity!

And although change can feel really scary, living with a mind that is filled with fear and regret, can feel like being tortured…every minute…of every day…!

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It’s easy to believe that our life, and all that it consists, is all that there is for us!

Our individual experiences, challenges, hurts and pleasures make up an existence that we accept as being normal, and become engrossed with…as we face one hurdle after another.  Stopping, starting, faltering, rising and falling, as we attend to, or try to ignore our thoughts and emotional prompts, that attempt to force us into unknown territories we have no concept of. Yet have to visit, in our search for happiness, success and peace of mind!

It’s no wonder we want to find a way to stop our confused suffering!  Many seekers are asking…’When will this all end…?’.

But who would’ve believed that we would find ourselves in the position we are today…?  As whilst many have been avidly searching for ways to find spiritual enlightenment, freedom from fear, increased connection to God energy, believing that their life would become dramatically improved once they have mastered these many skills, it’s emerged that so far, the things we’ve done in the past to improve ourselves and understanding of life, is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg…!

As whilst we’ve been focused on letting go of our individual past conditioning, that supports our fears and bad habits, I don’t think we realised just how B..I..G our search was going to be!

Whilst so many people have bravely accepted the challenge to change who they are, and have been dedicated in their quest for self-improvement and soul expansion, there are still many areas of life that have been neglected, because we never realised they existed!  And whilst we believed that our ultimate aim was to conquer ourselves, it’s slowly emerging that our true purpose is so much more than that…!

‘WHAT…’ you might say…’YOU MEAN I’VE DONE ALL THAT WORK – AND SUFFERING – FOR NOTHING?’…!

AND – does this mean I’ve got to KEEP suffering?…!!

Well the simple answer is ‘NO’ to both questions!  However, whilst we believed our remedial actions were leading us to a specific resolution, namely we would feel happier and more content once we reached a certain point of self-achievement, the true purpose for our existence is only just becoming apparent.  As our purpose for being alive at this time is to not only change ourselves, but to also….CHANGE THE WORLD!!

And as we well know, that takes time…!

OMG – not more of that crap!!  Isn’t that what we’ve been doing anyway?’……..Yes…I can hear you!!

We knew didn’t we, that changing ourselves would make a difference to the whole!  We recognised that confronting our own limitations would lead others to do the same, creating a ripple effect that would increase as we grew in self-knowledge, self-power and most importantly, self-control!  And just to reassure you, nothing associated to these changes has been wasted…everything has been purposeful!

So what I’m saying is that whilst we may have planned our evolutionary journey, say from A to Z (because that is the alphabet we know); and we measure our progress by feeling somewhere in-between A and Z…. what if ‘Z’ was not the true end point…?  What if, instead of being a twenty-six lettered alphabet, there were more letters for us to learn…say another thirty, sixty, or even a million or more letters we knew nothing about, but nevertheless still existed as part of the alphabet? Where would we be then…?

I believe that is the position we are in now – where we’ve progressively worked our way through various restrictive, damaging elements in our life – that we knew about.  Not that we’ve overcome them all, I have to add – simply that we’ve become aware of them, and so can find a way of positively managing them so they fail to hinder our existence as much!

Consequently, because of our evolutionary progression and position, we are facing the gradual emergence of unknown energetic aspects of life, that we effect and are affected by. But whereas hurtling into the unknown would have thrown us into chaos a while back, now, because we’ve been working on ourselves to control our reactive nature, we will have the skills to stand steady as the new future emerges and shows us what we need to do next!

Facing the unknown can make us scared…but when we realise that we don’t have to plan, manipulate or protect our future, we’re more likely to be able to just…GO-WITH-THE-FLOW!

And maybe that’s what we’ve been preparing for…to be able to…LET-GO… of the need to control and cajole people, things, situations, in order to placate our own needs.  And to allow ourselves to remain in trust; confident in our knowledge that we are protected, as we are being guided. Knowing that if we do fall, we can quickly and easily rise again, because we haven’t been crushed into shattered pieces!

There is a rationale to life that although has always been there, we’ve not seen, simply because we could not comprehend it.  We’ve been fighting the War Of Ego, where our minds were locked into regions that were within the parameters of human existence, and our limited understanding of what life meant.

But whilst we thought our search for resolution meant simply freeing ourselves from ego limitations, we’ve limited our potential for growth, because we’re still working toward control of something!  And, just like the possibility of the extended alphabet, we only knew what we thought we knew! But there is more to come yet…and even though we don’t know what it involves yet, I believe there is an end purpose that is more beneficial to us than we could possibly imagine!

The world is a wonderful place to be at this time, because we have the opportunity to experience change never seen or experienced before.  We have a chance to see things put right that were wrong.  To see the sick healed!  To witness the birth of a new nation of children that will evolve into mighty warriors that will protect nature’s gifts to our world!

We are here to see all this.  We are the creators of all of this.  We have the right to become the new people.  People who can love each other without prejudice.  People who care about how others hurt!  People who place peace of mind and heart above the need for materialistic toys.

But the real benefit, the real gift of being alive at this time is that we get to see it all emerge – the future we never knew about.  The elements of life we’ve yearned to experience, that were always there in the background, waiting for the right time to show themselves to us.  Waiting until the time came, when we could control our reactions enough, to not destroy what we did not understand…!

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This YEARNING feeling can cause us so many problems, pushing us to do this or that, and sometimes freezing us in our tracks because we don’t know what to do next to pacify it and ourselves.

A lot of the time we can translate the guiding message from our yearning, and accomplish a goal that provides a sense of satisfaction. Other times the yearning feeling persists, and can feel overwhelming, as nothing we search for seems to fit what the yearning needs!

Sometimes the yearning is so persistent and strong, it feels as though nothing will make it go away…this increases our anxiety and fear thinking, encouraging us to believe we’re not good enough, we’re running out of time, we’ll never find what we’re looking for…because we don’t know what it is, etc.

For years I’ve tried to tame my YEARNING, which often causes a deep pain in my heart centre.  It can be placated for a short time, then it’s back…relentless!  I’ve tried to explain it in so many ways, grief, frustration, sadness, disappointment, overwhelm, but whilst it can be contributed to by all of these, and other feelings, I think the only thing that really resonates with me is the concept that the deep pain within me is being driven by my soul, in it’s attempts to free itself from my ego!

… My soul wants to be free, my ego fear keeps it imprisoned!

This means I can work with the YEARNING, as I would any other intrusive emotion, by using it as a guide to challenge outdated or dysfunctional thinking patterns, confirm that I’m being truthful to myself and others, identify what’s really bothering me….you know the self-help story I’m sure!

As this yearning creates a rise in adrenalin, we can feel compelled to do something as we enter the fight and flight response.  When we haven’t got a goal to aim for, because nothing feels right to do, the adrenalin has nowhere to go, and we can feel as though we are imploding inside.

Calming this adrenalin is an important part of how we learn to be less reactive, and can help us identify how much control we actually have over our mind and emotions.

Freeing our soul, using our creativity, is a painful process for many. We are in a stage of evolution where our consciousness is moving toward a different higher dimension.  This transition is causing huge problems for us as old outdated patterns, fears, concepts and relationships, rise for us to release before, and as they are falling away.

It is said by many that this is the start of the new world, where love will be the energy we utilise to create our life, rather than the ego fear which we have been historically conditioned into.  How great would that be?

Life is changing for us all, and so much of our future is now unknown.  But the one thing that is consistent in all of this is that we are all part of God’s energy.  And once we can find a way to remain in that special ‘love’ state that the connection with universal God provides, I think our yearnings will cease to cause us so many problems.

So if you are struggling with your life at the moment, just try to go with the flow, and relax the ‘what if’s…!  You’ve come a long way in quite a short time…and, because you have become more self-aware, if you was getting things wrong you would eventually know and be able to correct your actions, as you’ve done in the past!

So my advice would be to relax, create, enjoy as much as you can. As us humans have still got lots of work to do before we arrive at our next destination!

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Since I’ve recently had my computer repaired, I’ve found it impossible to write anything.  I offer myself various reasons – I’m tired, can’t be bothered, don’t know what to write about.  Nothing seems significant enough for me to comment on….all lame excuses for my lack of creativity, which appears to be  having a rest at the moment!  Seems like it was more than just my computer that reached breaking point…created by enforced change!

Not only that, but instead of finding consolation, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to listen to other people’s messages of motivation.  Where an uncharacteristic, common response from me is something like old Scrooge saying…BAH!…HUMBUG!…to anything he doesn’t want to deal with!

The strange thing is that I’m not really that worried about not writing at the moment… And I don’t want to listen to ‘them’ as I’ve heard it all before, no-one is telling me anything new…etc.! (No disrespect to anyone here – it’s just how I’m feeling at the moment)!

So if I’m not writing or listening to others, what AM I doing?

Well interestingly enough, I am making decisions most of the time now…which is somewhat of a surprise to me, as previously I found it difficult to make choices which meant I committed myself to anything! Of course that reluctance is linked to my inner fear, my life circumstances, and my indecision traits exaggerated because I’m a Libran (that’s my excuse anyway)! But what has happened, that made me want to over-ride my own negative traits?  What made me want to change my habits of a lifetime?

I’m wondering whether my apparent intolerance to some things, is simply a way to make me focus on issues that are more important and relevant to ME – unfinished business and all that stuff….!  After all, this is said to be a time for letting go of the Piscean past, that holds us back from the Aquarian future.  And if we don’t change what we’re doing we will suffer the consequences of remaining stuck – and whatever they may be they will not be comfortable to experience I’m sure!

To understand this we have to take account of the current energetic changes that have taken place recently…!

There was much hype about the 21.12.12 date and how things would change.  And whilst there were those who predicted doom and gloom, I think many were hoping this event would provide the ‘MIRACLE’, that would magically fix our lives, that would give us clear insight into what we should be doing, and where we should be going!  I know I was hoping this energetic change would mean things would get a bit easier for us – as the past has certainly be harder to cope with than most of us expected!

Alas…change wasn’t going to be that easy…it never is, is it?

But whilst there appears to be no obvious changes in my life,  if I let go of my expectations of what I would’ve liked to have happened, and look back over recent months – since 21.12.12, I can clearly see how changes in my mentality have occurred , and how I am using my power in a different way than before – as since this time I am attempting to design my actions for MY benefit, to meet MY intrinsic soul needs, rather than spreading my energy over external matters that regularly leave me feeling drained and exhausted!

I am trying to manage my own energy in a different way (this does take a bit of practice), and whereas before 21.12.12 I felt ‘stuck’, for some reason since that date I don’t. And although I’ve still not got a strong energetic pull in any particular direction to express my creativity, which still frustrates me, my heart is pulsing to speak, to share, to help and assist, wherever I am driven to do so!

However, I still have to remind myself to remember, that like everyone other human on this planet, I (or my energy) is being changed.  And that I am metamorphoses in action.  Where as my energy field seeks ways to adapt and adjust to new vibrational frequencies, my physical body tries to do it’s own thing to re-stabilise, whilst my mind and emotions want to freak-out because of the unknown inevitabilities we face in the forthcoming future!  Phew…what an upheaval!

Yet strangely enough, whilst on some level I feel quite chaotic, in my heart centre my soul breathes love at last!  IT, my restricted, trapped, higher self, feels peace because it knows the time is right to be free from my human restraint.  I feel reassured that what we’ve been waiting for so long, has now started to arrive…although it still makes me nervous to know that our destination is a long way off yet…so there’s still more work we each have to do, to get where we need to be!

The journey of ego-control has been such an arduous trek, where those of us who followed our soul-guidance found hardship, challenge and intense pain, when actually we sought to find internal peace.  I know as I got deeper into our ‘ascension process’ and realised what our pathway ahead looked like, I felt such utter despair at the enormous task I’d agreed to undertake. And whereas at one time I thought that cognitive correction or reframing was all that was necessary for me to reduce my fear-filled existence, I soon realised I was actually healing my energy of pain from other times, other lives, other existences, that it had encumbered since the beginning of time.

WHAT A HUGE TASK !!! – But how can we succeed in changing the way we live, to a world filled with loving and compassionate beings, when everyone and everything else had failed in the past?

But I had to trust that the universe knew what it was doing, as man certainly didn’t!  I wanted to believe my channelled messages that spoke of self-healing first, before we can truly help others.  Messages over the many years that tried to reassure me that my fear was my own creation, that it wasn’t real in true terms, that only love could set us free from our fear-filled belief system! As I faced my darkest demons, I wanted to trust that I was protected, and guided at all times by compassionate beings affiliated to universal God energy. I had to learn that I was multi-dimensional, and that was hard!

Many searching like me, gave up along the way.  Many persevered, and have survived their self-defeating mentality.  Regardless, this is a universal healing exercise – we will all be converted back to our original SELF, at some time in the future.  The plan is bigger than human….and it has to happen – for our benefit!

We all like to know where we’re heading, as we can prepare ourselves.  But no-one really knew what would happen on or after 21.12.12.  I usually channel clear, trustworthy information most of the time that helps me understand the truth of the world, but I’ve not been able to access my sources lately, due to the over-activity of my mind.  Thus, whilst I can clearly identify the TRENDS of energy that compel us to move in certain directions, I’m having to take guidance from others, who have gained access to higher wisdom that is meant to help us evolve our consciousness. This means as I gather information, I can formulate ideas about what direction we are energetically being propelled into, confirm or dispel the idea according to my levels of global and personal discernment, leaving me with a sort of clear picture of what is happening to our species!

This is what I know so far….

There was speculation that this energetic shift would bring up old issues to be healed….This I’ve found to be true, as many childhood/past life/other issues that I’ve dealt with over the years, have re-surfaced for final healing and release, where most of the time I just had to let the memory go, so to release it from my mental and emotional energy field.

I’ve heard many people saying they are physically affected by this energy shift…exhausted, spaced out, confused, disorientated, became ill where they needed to see their GP (even holistic therapists have sought help from allopathic treatments).  This is our body adjusting to the new energy vibration, which will indicate any pre-existing condition that needs healing, that will limit our energetic capacity for expansion. So we need to listen to what our body is telling us now, at this time.  If we feel exhausted maybe we need to rest for a while, rather than keep pushing forward toward our perceived goal.

Releasing the ego has always been a big issue for us….but if it’s our time to let it go, then it will be easier to change than to carry on as we are.  Because the opposing energy will make us feel so bad we won’t want to stay as we are!

Our mind is the Creator!  If we haven’t grasped it already, this will be the time when we realise without doubt, that we are the creators of our world, caused by the thoughts in our mind!  Our thoughts, when linked to our emotions, have the power to manifest the content of our fear/love!  Regardless of whether we realise it, or like it or not, the choice of what we manifest is ours!  Be careful what you wish for….good advice at his time I’d say!

Also, it’s useful to remember….

*We are all here to help each other!

*There is no one higher than ourselves who can help our soul evolve!

*We have all the wisdom we need within our consciousness – we just have to find a way to access that information!

*There is no single miracle cure! Miracles are happening all of the time, as every minute of the day a miracle occurs somewhere, in someone’s life.  You can all receive miracles at will! You just have to be clear about what you want to receive, let go of how it will happen, and trust that it will manifest at some time – but it must be for the highest good!

*No-one can harm you once you are on your soul path, because your perception of ’harm’ changes!

Humans are going through enforced change and have been doing so for many years.  But we are involved in a process that is in its final stages of a particular phase, that will now affect us and our lives by pushing us out of our comfort zones! We can delay it if we choose, but we can’t escape it, as earth and it’s inhabitants are protected by powers that be, that must ensure our future survival.

So, rather than resisting change, it’s probably easier to stand steady and let the change occur around you.  That way you may avoid unnecessary turbulence!

However, each of us has to work with our energy, to correct our misconceptions of life, to be accountable for our thoughts, feelings and actions! It’s our responsibility to heal our own energy, to work with our soul, our higher self, to bring us back into alignment with our true God nature!

Life becomes more comfortable once we take the emphasis off others making our life easier, and face our personal challenges with gusto!  As once we start to recognise the power we do have, to transform ourselves, we may start to use it to change our world!

Have a great day everyone!

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I’m sure I’m not the only person asking themselves ‘Who Am I?’ at this moment in time, where as the pressure of futility increases, due to Christmas being just around the corner, we wonder what’s happened to our life.  How did we end up where we are?  As regardless of how hard we’ve tried to change or how much cutting-back we’ve done, lack of money and ever-increasing bills to pay, is still causing problems for so many, including me.  And although we may use relaxation and self-help techniques to help us cope with our rising stress, we are still highly stressed, because of the way we feel about us, our life, and our future!

To be honest, it feels like things will never change, and they could even get worse, as there’s no signs of improvement to global financial problems that affect each of us.  And to top it all, we’ve got ascension energy pushing and shoving us into emotional and mental places we’ve tried to avoid, in order to release latent emotional energy that we’ve held on to for too long. Causing frightening physical symptoms that worry us even more!

Wowee!! … What a ride, as internal and external pressure  causes havoc to our energy! And regardless of whether you believe in all of this energetic stuff or not, the pressure is still really intense!!

However, whilst our human problems appear so overwhelming to us, we should realise that our problems are not the main issue here.  As planetary, energetic, and spiritual influences are affecting us also, where there is a merging of elements taking place that will create significant changes to our future.  With an ultimate transformational purpose that is designed to protect us from self-destruction. Hard to believe?  Yes of course it is!  But how do we know it’s not true?

My guidance tells me it’s about ‘Healing the heart of man’, and that helps me to realise that change will be a good thing for us.  Yet I find it incredible that this is the time when evolutionary changes manifest, that will eventually change our lives forever! So many of our ancestors have been wiped out in the past, during this process.  Is this REALLY the time when we do it differently?  Where we change before it’s too late! What an amazing thought that is!!

I often wonder about our future, and the world as it may be someday.  It’s hard to imagine the new, prophesised world, where love and compassion are the fierce energetic prompts that guide our thoughts, feelings and actions. We’ve all been hurt so much by each other, throughout our existence, that we’ve been conditioned to accept pain as an inevitability of life.  But this is not how it should be!  And yet if this is all we’ve known, or remember, then how can we know how to create the necessary changes that will sustain life and happiness, instead of destroying it? But maybe this responsibility doesn’t fall just on our shoulders.  Maybe there is a higher universal intelligence that can help us do what we need to do!

I’ve communicated with the Sirian High Council, the Pleidian Elders, Lemurians and Atlanteans, as well as others.  I’ve also communicated with God energy, angels, guides, entities etc.  But how do I know these are true and real, as they are in my mind?  How do I know I’m not insane when I converse with these beings from afar?  And yet their influences have helped me so much, to understand how to survive this world!  So I believe there is help from these sources!  And yet it doesn’t really matter whether I believe in them or not does it?

As regardless of our circumstances, and who we are, one thing is for certain.  We’re already changing – we are not the people we once were.  Our life is different, our ambitions are different, and our future is not the one we were planning on. So because we’ve lost the ‘old picture’ we had created in our mind, about who and what we would become, it can feel as though we’ve lost our identity, or we are dying.  When the reality is that we’ve lost sight of who we are, because we, as we once were, are no more! And believe it or not, this is a good thing!

Basically what’s happened is that because we’ve had no option other than confront or control our rising fear, caused because of external to us circumstances, we have broken through the protective barrier that the ego had created.  Which kept us isolated, small, defensive and afraid.  We were reactive to a lot of things, but now we know, from our futile experiences of over-reacting, that when the tables are turned against us, we should and can stand steady and strong.  Knowing that in time, somehow, we will find the answers we need, the strength we lack, and the motivation to move ourselves beyond our stuck points, to a more comfortable life position. In other words, instead of running with our fear, we learn to trust that we can help ourselves in better ways!

It’s common knowledge that the Mayan calendar ends soon, which because of our linear thinking leaves us fearing the worst.  But now, because something is ending and we can’t see the beginning of anything new, we get anxious, feel vulnerable and start to panic about what’s going to happen to us and our world! There are those who foretell disasters, doom and gloom – even the end of the world!  But I don’t believe any of that, although the world as we know it will undoubtedly change, which could be symbolised as an ending.  Not before time I would add, as I know there has to be a better way to live our life, than the way most of us live now, where we struggle to survive against the turning tides of those in power, who have brought us to our knees.

But guess what!  We are stronger than they think!  We are braver than they anticipated!  And our heart and soul is getting ready to challenge those who want to keep us frozen in fear!  We want our life back, we want to be free not only from our anxiety and worry, and politics that squeeze the breath out of us.  But mostly we want to be free from our own fear, because we now know that this is the thing that upsets us the most.  And because we are human, we will make it happen eventually, now that we are starting to accept that we have the power to change how we feel – at will! (This is true by the way!).

Many foretell of a new energy reaching earth, that will take us on to a different dimensional level of being.  Which as a consequence of existing within a higher vibration, will enable us to become more intuitive.  We will be able to see the truth of life, and value what really matters.  There are many thousands, if not millions of people who have already reached this level, because they’ve spent their time developing their Selves, pursuing peace instead of conflict, freedom instead of control! But there’s many more who still have work to do in this area, if they want their life to improve! Where the choice at the moment is ours – live in fear, or find a way to manage and disperse any fearful prompts that disrupt our energetic balance.

When we’re afraid, we look for solutions to our problems and often fail to recognise that life is becoming a prison of misery. As when we feel deprived of what we need, over a long period of time, we can end up believing we don’t deserve anything other than what we’ve got.  We lose our confidence, our drive to succeed, our dreams and aspirations!  And we forget who we are, as we believe we are nothing!  Our energy is low, we lack enthusiasm, we get depressed, angry and upset, because we lose hope that things will ever change for us!

If what I’m describing seems familiar to you, then I know you have suffered like I have!  I’ve tried for many years to work out the best way to live, to survive financial, emotional and mental crisis!  I’ve also had quite a few traumatic spiritual experiences as well, but that story can wait for another day, for now!  The point is our suffering was not for nothing!  It was all about the energetic transformation process that is happening now!

About nine  years ago, whilst I was laying in bed one night, I saw an image of the earth in my room, in front of my window.  Regardless of whether my eyes were closed or open, the green and mauve image remained. I wondered if I was dreaming or becoming psychotic, and so pinched myself, stood up and went out of the room, returned and sat on the bed.  The image was still there!  As I watched with bated breath, not knowing what was going to happen next, fire started to rise at the back of the earth, flames burning high, spreading all around it.  I was scared and didn’t know what this meant, but knew I had to keep watching as the flames engulfed the earth!

Shortly after that, as the flames started to die down, another image appeared underneath the burning earth.  This highly coloured scene showed people rejoicing, dancing, clapping.  People were happy!  And as I tried to make sense of this vision, I remembered the violet flame of transmutation and so felt that this was a sort of re-assurance, that once I’d changed my life, I would be happy.  The images disappeared, but I’ve never forgotten them!

Over the last few weeks I’ve been thinking a lot about this experience and it’s relevance to now.  At the time I thought it was just about me and my life.  Now I’m wondering if this vision was not just about preparing me for the future, but letting me know this is about all humanity.  That once we are destroyed egotistically, we are reborn into the future of our dreams!

Although hard, and though it may feel impossible at times, we have to allow ourselves to change, to fall, to rise, to grow!  We can’t do this when we are safe, so it’s okay to be afraid when faced with change, as we have to feel our fear, we have to confront our demons and let them go, because a re-birth is about to happen, and we need to be ready to step into a new human role that corrects our problems rather than causing them!

There’s talk about a miraculous ‘Second Coming’, of someone whom we could trust to lead us out of the darkness.  But if we still don’t recognise our true power of creation, this blind faith would simply lead us right back into the transformational fire we’re trying to escape from!  Following those in power is not the answer – we should know that by now, shouldn’t we? They are the ones who got us in this shit in the first place!  Now we, WE, have to motivate ourselves to stand up, take responsibility for our creative yet destructive power, and lead ourselves to a better, different life!

There is no quick, simple, panacea for doing this successfully at the moment!  I only wish it was that easy! It takes courage to not run away from our fear, and perseverance, patience to come through our bad times!  But come through them we must, and will – just like my vision all those years ago!  Where even though we can’t see the bigger picture, we must trust that a safe, loving, happy world is there, and that we will get the chance to enjoy it in this lifetime!

I know now that each experience that made me afraid has been for a reason!  I wanted to be comfortable, feel safe and content.  My soul knew otherwise though!  It had a job to do, to keep me on my toes, to allow myself to fragment, to break into small pieces that I could choose to discard during my emotional and mental recovery!  My soul has nudged me on my pathway, when I felt so abandoned and alone.  Where many times, as my stability crashed, so did I!

So when I ask myself now ‘Who am I?’, I can answer, without fear….I am Chrissie Batten, I have a soul, a will, courage, strength (although I don’t always feel it).  And I have a fragmented ego, that has lost it’s power over me, meaning I am in control of me.  Mmmm…well, that’s not totally true yet, but I’m starting to have hope that things will change!

Yes, I’ve got hope for me – no aspirations mind, or clear visions for the future. Just a little hope and trust that all is meant to be as it is, for a really good reason – to preserve human life, to have peace in our minds and heart.  To be loved and to love, and to be glad to be alive!

What about you though…regardless of how you were in the past, who are you now?  When you ask yourself ‘Who am I?’, what answers come from your heart?  What answers come from your mind?  How have you changed? Look closely through an open mind, and I’m sure you will find you’ve come a lot further than you thought!

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I’ve been feeling in a quandary for a long time about my lack of ability to focus on me, my work, and earning money that would make my life a whole lot easier.  I know responsibilities I have toward vulnerable members of my family don’t take ALL my time and energy.  At least they don’t need to!  But there’s still the issue of where I put my attention when I’m alone at home!  Do I think about my stuff and what I need to do about it, or do I continue to worry about other’s problems, feelings and needs, and concentrate on how I can best help them feel better! It is usually the latter, I’m afraid to say!  But this way of living isn’t working any more for me.  Something has to change – and quickly!

Life is about ebbs and flows of intensity it seems, and this week for me has culminated in being a time of extreme emotional discomfort, as my problems magnified my emotional intensity, irritating panic, and need to find the answers that will take my life off of the ‘PAUSE’ button – at least for a time!

I am assertive and can usually ask for what I want and need!  But lately I’ve felt my internal power reducing, my confidence weakening even further!  ‘For Gods sake, how much lower have I got to go before I see what I’ve got to do, what I’ve got to change’ I cried in frustration, as I could still feel the nausea in my solar plexus, that I’d been feeling for the past four days!  ‘Why won’t I let myself sort me out?’!

I’ve been taking a remedy given to me by my friend Gary Johnson, an expert in Cellular Vibrational Therapy (http://www.garyjohnson.org.uk/gary-johnson), after I’d asked him for help a couple of weeks ago.  So I realised that as his powerful remedies always work on really deep issues, the emotional intensity I was experiencing was probably caused by the remedy, pushing the energy of those issues to the surface, to be released!  Because I like to understand what’s happening to my energetic system, I usually try to work with the remedy and identify how I’m feeling and why, and if there’s anything I need to do to help myself further!  This time was no different, so because I’ve felt so intense, I’ve dedicated this morning to me, and decided to meditate in order to intuitively find some answers!

As I meditated I was interested to see my Sister of Mercy appear.  She normally carries a very large folder containing loads of loose papers, but this time the folder was much thinner, with just a few sheets of paper remaining.  I’m always working on my progress, one way or another, not always with obvious results I would add!  Thus it became apparent that whilst I’d been feeling so frustrated, because I thought I wasn’t moving forward; on an energetic spiritual level I’d actually got rid of old baggage (represented by the reduction of the huge file).  This made me feel better immediately, as now I know I’ve not just been wasting my time!  Then she showed me a page which said simply…’Chrissie Batten – The Psychicologist’!  Strange – I’ve never heard the word ‘psycicologist’ before, but I’ll definitely give it some thought!

Feeling more relaxed I placed my attention on to why I felt so stuck.  There’s always a logical reason for everything we do, often hidden deep in our unconscious mind. So as I needed to find the internal reasoning that was ultimately blocking me from living my own life, I asked myself… why wasn’t I meeting my needs?  Why did I consider other people as priority over my life?  As my mind started to wander along recent memories of family members I’d been helping, who I worried so much about, I started to get echoes of the past, to the time of my father, who died in 1976.

It might help you understand if I provide a bit of background info!  My parents separated in 1975, after he had a ten-year on/off affair with the office secretary. The shame of this event at that time felt really bad, and my mother was filled with toxic emotion that had no-where to go, as there was no such thing as ‘counsellors’ then!  What could she do?  So when she’d had enough of the lies, deceit, being made to feel bad about herself and life, she gave him the ultimatum! They’d been married over forty years, yet he chose the other woman over her, even though he’d promised to stop the affair many times!

Anyone whose parents have split, will understand the pain and turmoil that happens to children who are caught in the middle, who get pulled emotionally in so many different directions. As regardless of how much we try to stay out of it, or protect them from it, we can’t!  I was twenty-eight at the time, married with one child.  But it still like felt my world had fallen apart!  When my own marriage failed in 1999, I was very aware that my adult children would suffer as much as I did.  And although I knew I’d made the right decision for me at the time, I deeply regretted that this had to happen to them!

Anyway, back to dad!  When affairs occur, there’s also an element of wishful thinking, such as ‘If only we could find a way to be together all of the time’ which dulls the reality of common sense! The OW had children, and also a child by my father.  So when dad moved in with the OW he spent what little money he had on replacing her washing machine, fridge, cooker, buying stuff for her and the kids (he wouldn’t spend anything on my mum).  But soon there were problems!  Who can escape them?  The husband wanted her back, started trying to woo her in various ways, and kept pressurising her to throw my dad out of their house.

Although my dad no longer had contact with my mum, he used to visit me regularly.  One day, when he was eating dinner, he started crying.  I’d only ever seen him cry once before, when I was about nine, after our pet dog had been put to sleep. So it sort of startled me, to see him sobbing in front of me.  When I asked him why he was crying, he said it was all about the split-up and the problems he was having because of the OW and her husband!  ‘But I thought it was what you wanted’ I exclaimed to him, not fully understanding, in my naivety, why he was crying about getting something he wanted!

He thought he needed money to keep the OW, but he didn’t have any – he’d already spent what he did have on her.  We’ve never been a rich family, and the truth is money has always been tight!  So I never had any spare cash I could give him!  I had £2 left in my purse, and told him he could take that.  But he said it wasn’t enough! As now he didn’t have enough work as a driving instructor to ‘buy’ her, she wanted him to leave.  He’d told her ‘The only way you’ll get me out of here is in a box!’.

He was my dad, and it hurt to see him in so much turmoil.  Him and mum had only been separated for three months, yet it felt much longer! I was also in turmoil, as I wanted to tell him to go back to mum.  She’d forgive him!  I knew she would, because although she was so angry because of what he did, she still loved him! But he’d mucked us all about for ten years, he’d made his choice, now he would have to deal with it!  I didn’t tell him this though!  I just gave him a cuddle, and said it would probably take a bit more time for it all to sort itself out!

When he rang the next week on Thursday to ask if he could come over that afternoon, I was busy with some school stuff!  So I said I’d see him the next day, Friday, when I’d cook him a nice dinner.  I asked if he was okay, he said he was!  That night, at 11.30 pm, I was on the phone to my mother. As we lived twenty miles apart, we had late night chats!  Whilst we were talking I felt worried when I heard her doorbell ring!  ‘Be careful mum’ I said to her, ‘ask who it is, before you open the door’!  I listened on the other end of the phone, tensely waiting, wondering why someone would be calling so late!  I pictured my mum opening the street door, hearing the door open.  There was the sound of low voices before I heard my mum making a sound I couldn’t make out.  She came back on the phone and said ‘I’ll call you back in a minute’, before slamming the phone down on the receiver!

Have you ever had that terrible feeling of being absolutely powerless in a crisis?  Well that’s what I felt then! I knew it must be something serious because of the late night visit.  But from whom? My mind started to race in fear. Twenty minutes later I apprehensively rang my mum, when she told me that it was the OW at the door, with the police.  ‘Tony (my dad) had taken an ‘overdose’, the OW had said.  ‘He was dead!’.

Actually, it didn’t take an overdose to kill him!  He used cyanide, where just a couple of granules is lethal!

So he’d thought about it, planned it, even spoke about it!  Yet no-one had heard him!  There was an inquest, where a letter was produced, that he had written to Marjorie Proops.  She was a famous Agony Aunt of that time, on T.V. and radio, and used to write in newspapers and magazines.  In the letter he spoke of his pain and confusion, and fear of being rejected by the OW.  But he never posted the letter – it was in his jacket pocket!  However, Marjorie Proops did get to hear of it, and replied through the media, where as she spoke of the letter and it’s contents, she wrote something like… ‘This poor man had no-one to turn to for help when he needed it most’.  Which infuriated me at the time, because he did have someone.  He had his wife and family.  He had me!  So why couldn’t I have stopped him from doing what he did?  Why didn’t he tell me how bad he felt?  Why didn’t I realise he was so depressed and desperate?

The dysfunction thinking that ‘If only…’ statements create, abounded at the time… and since…

*If only I’d seen how unhappy he was, I might have been able to talk him into going back to mum!

*If only I’d intervened somehow, and made sure he and mum stayed together!

*If only I’d know what he was planning I might have been able to get him some help!

*If only I’d had more time, and could have done more for him!

*If only I’d not said no, when he asked to visit me that day, he might still be alive!

*If only he hadn’t killed himself, I would not be feeling so bad!

So there it was…the reason why I find it so hard to refuse help to those in crisis!  My fear that I was somehow responsible for his death!  And the fear that only overwhelming emotional pain can manifest, that I was afraid I would not be able to cope with it again!

Logically I can say that I wasn’t responsible for what he did – how could I be?  But deep down I wonder whether, if he had visited me that day, he might have been able to express his intent, as a cry for the help he so desperately needed.  I also wonder whether the reason why he wanted to visit that day was to ask for help, or to say goodbye?

I was probably the last person he spoke to!  …But he died feeling unloved!  …But we all still loved him so much!!

This has been a powerful realisation for me today!  I knew I had these thoughts of regret and guilt locked away deep inside my mind and heart, and have often worked on them in the past.  He committed suicide over thirty years ago. But there were residues left, that were enough to create the preventative logic that I created as a consequence of my father’s suicide, and which goes something like this….

….‘I must stop people feeling too overwhelmed, in case they can’t cope and kill themselves, or become ill and die(other childhood issues created this)..BECAUSE…I can’t cope with this (loss) happening again!’.

Deep rooted fears can, given time, often present as a self-fulfilling prophecy! This almost did, whilst I contemplated my own demise, which I may write about another time!  But for now I have more self-healing to do, by monitoring my motivations, thoughts and ensuring I walk the right pathway for me .  And now that I understand the reasons why my personal logic was so protective toward others, in order to protect me from suffering further, I feel more able to take appropriate, corrective action, and say ‘No, I can’t do it today!’ when necessary.  But it’s not going to be easy, as even as I write this I can feel the panic rise when I make that simple statement!

Small steps in the right direction though, eh! Better get another remedy ready Gary…!!

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