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Archive for the ‘Emotional distress’ Category

 

It’s Friday afternoon and I’ve just come out of hospital since Tuesday morning, after having had first round of chemo. There wasn’t a bed available for Monday so I had to wait another day. Unlike the last time I was booked in a few weeks ago, when delays occurred I freaked out, and decided to postpone chemo treatment for the time being as I saw it as a bad omen! This time I stayed calm and recognised that this would probably be a constant factor in receiving treatment, so I shouldn’t worry about it when delays occur.

Unsurprisingly I was pretty anxious when I got to the unit at Southend Hospital – fight or flight response in action, as I was walking into totally unknown territory once more. But the staff seemed to have their set protocols firmly in place, where everyone knew what they should be doing – except me of course – meaning I was seen by the ward doctor after a couple of hours, after which they made the chemo up for later in the afternoon.

There were many bags of fluids to be pumped into my body which totalled nearly sixty hours, and thank goodness I never had any physical complications during this first infusion. However, mentally and emotionally things started to happen, where thoughts I’d kept in my mind, and emotions I didn’t want to feel, now wanted to make themselves known.

I’d met a few people in the unit, and as they were further along in their condition and treatment than me, most of the women had lost their hair and looked pale, some quite poorly. But they each spoke about their journey and gave me their thoughts on chemo.  Unlike myself, who questioned the efficacy of chemo, they had just accepted the treatment with hope…and it seemed they were gaining benefits from it…!

After having read so many times that…’chemo kills more people than cancer’, I sort of understand now what that means. As once that poison has entered the body no-one really knows what is going to happen, and it can be kill or cure, as we already know! Before and during treatment I was told about the precautions I must take regarding infection control, where if the temperature goes below 36 or above 37.4 for more than two hours I must immediately seek help from A & E, with the task of getting to the hospital and being on intravenous antibiotics within the hour…! Really…!

They said time is of the essence because of the lack of immunity meant the high risk of sepsis, so I must monitor myself carefully in case I feel unwell, be vigilant, and stay away from people or places which might be infectious. That’s going to be quite hard at this time of year when the colds and flu start to pop up for their annual feasting. The doctors and nurses said that infections were one of the major complications of chemotherapy treatment, so not to worry about it…mmm, but just be alert.

I just hope I don’t get too obsessive about all of this and end up being a hermit…I need the fresh air, like we all do.  It helps me feel better.

After I’d had the first couple of infusions I went to the loo, and caught sight of myself in the mirror. I stopped and looked at my face, my hair, and wondered what I’d be looking and feeling like in a few weeks time. The other patients I’d spoken to had started from my position and I guess that is when the impact hit, where now there was no turning back and I had to face the consequences of whatever.  It was painful to my heart, as it brought me once again back into the cancer reality of illness and terminality, and the realisation that whilst I’d been able to sort of plod along feeling not too bad over the last few months, now I would be losing my hair, feeling sick, weak, unwell…ugh!

Now back at home I feel okay, just a bit tired and apprehensive as to what will happen next and I’ve got a muggy head which is irritating. After having something to eat and a short nap, I mentally scanned myself a little while ago to find my poor body screaming inside…it is being poisoned, it is being killed off...it doesn’t recognise that it is receiving treatment that could help it survive…it thinks it is being murdered! I thought about prisoners on death row who received lethal injections..!

Although I was really glad to be coming home, my thoughts jumped to the new routine my life would take for however long, and I felt a bit down. My second chemo session is in just ten days time, along with blood tests and oncology appointments next week. Would hospital now become my second home?

I’m not complaining really, I know I’m one of the lucky ones who at least has the chance of prolonged life. Unlike the terminally ill man I spoke to at bedtime late last night in the TV room, who sadly told me that ‘every day he’s awake is another day he is alive’. He didn’t want to go to bed, he didn’t want to die!

So…I’ve got more mental and emotional processing to do as the poison in my body starts to do it’s job, and I have to try and stay positive, active and normal (if there is still such a state), for as long as possible. I’m told the sickness and tiredness could start a couple of days from now, then of course, on the other hand, I may get no side effects at all. Fingers crossed it is the latter!

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Having not written anything for the last couple of years, because of health problems, I’ve decided to resume writing at this time, because if I don’t do it now then I probably won’t do it at all….where the subject will be my experiences with cancer.  I don’t think I intend it to be all doom and gloom, as that’s not how I want this ride to be.  However I will probably share the pitfalls I experience during my journey…to who knows where!

I was diagnosed in April 2015 with advanced bowel cancer, which had spread to my lymph nodes and attached to my pancreas – which was not cancerous, but still meant that half of it would have to be removed. After a lengthy hospital stay and four operations I was told I was ‘cancer free’.  I never believed that of course, and I didn’t rejoice in my ‘cure’, as I knew, like we all do, that once you have been diagnosed with cancer anywhere, then it takes more than a bottle of pills and a few days in bed to get rid of it. Where the very nature of the disease means there’s always the possibility it may come back at sometime, in a different part of the body.

I’ve always had problems with depression and anxiety, and indeed last year, whilst in hospital, I went into a deep black hole that contaminated my whole being, where the depression affected my thinking more than having cancer did.  And it broke me more than anything else has in the past.  I was a prisoner, in a situation I didn’t want, and could not escape from. After five months I accepted the anti-depressants that the psychiatrist offered me.  In fact I nearly tore them out of his hand, I felt so desperate.  I planned my suicide, I didn’t want to exist like this and suffer more pain. I wondered how I would cope at the end…when my time came to step off the cancer train and fall into the arms of the heavenly bodies we hope are there waiting for us when we pass over. I say hope, because whatever you believe, and I thought I’d had evidence that our spiritual friends do actually exist, we will never truly know until our time comes, to find out the truth will we!

In April I was told that cancer has spread to my peritoneum and liver. ‘That’s it’ I thought, ‘I’m not one of the lucky ones who got away with it!’. It has taken all of these months, with various scans and tests, for me to make up my mind to accept palliative chemo treatment. It’s in my bloodstream so I doubt if there will be any more ops…which I’m pleased about. Having ‘it’ cut out and took away might sound appealing, but ‘it’s not possible in my case’ the doctors tell me.

Yet now, as time passed and I started to feel stronger and better, my mood is confusing to me.  I don’t feel scared or worried.  I thought, knowing how I used to suffer with anxiety before, that during this experience I would be terrified…but I’m not, and it feels sort of surreal. I wondered if I was in denial, but I don’t think I am.  I don’t want to constantly focus on it, or talk about it, as my ethos is that I will deal with events as they occur…for now anyway!

Accepting chemo has been a really hard decision to make, and I did lots of research on-line for various alternatives.  I was looking for one of the wonder cures that are written about on various sites, but nothing seemed plausible. Bicarbonate of soda cures, vitamin cures, diet cures…the list goes on.  Nothing was helpful to me. In fact it confused and worried me even more, where people were saying how ‘chemo kills more people than it cures’, that ‘chemo causes other cancers to rise in the body’ etc. I didn’t know what to believe.  And THAT was terrifying!

The oncologist and Macmillan nurse gave the expected response when I tried to talk to them about the alternative to chemo options…’There is no evidence’…’You shouldn’t believe what you read on the web’. But how can I trust what the doctors tell me…as I know they are also fallible!

I’ve been told, very enthusiastically by the oncologist – who ‘legally had to inform me of the possible risks’, that chemo…’could kill me’…‘will make my hair fall out’…’will make me feel very ill’, so have I got that to look forward to? We’ll have to wait and see, as I bit the bullet and tomorrow, Monday, I start chemo…that’s as long as there is a bed available  on the cancer ward. I am worried about it…it feels like it will kill me…which of course it will, by killing off both the bad and good cells. But it doesn’t mean to say it will physically kill me does it? And the medical staff assure me the immune system will recover eventually.

My first-line treatment is chemo once a fortnight, for three months.  They hope it will extend my life…so do I…! The pic line I had fitted a few weeks ago became infected after three days, so that meant another week in hospital on loads of antibiotics meaning the pic line had to be removed. Which delayed things a little. So I must spend a couple of days in hospital for treatment until the pic line is fitted again, then I think it can be done in day stay.

For now this is a brief update of my situation. I hope to write more during my journey on the cancer train, which i have been on for some time now, where I discover the different platforms I’m forced to embark upon – with different problems I must overcome. I know I’m not alone…cancer has become an epidemic that affects everyone in one way or another.  And although when I was first diagnosed I didn’t intend that cancer would dominate my life, it does…as everything is directed around ‘it’, and the effects it has on my life and that of my family and friends.

I have to ensure I don’t treat ‘it’ as the enemy…even though it is, as I can’t afford to emotionally let myself feel the pain and distress that could disable me further, draining my energy, leaving me even more powerless against my anxious thoughts. Yet even though this is happening to me, which is hard for me to believe, I still want to feel happy, good, positive…and more importantly…alive! There’s time fore everything else later – but not now!

I will keep you posted…!

Sending love,

Chrissie xxx

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My mother’s partner of thirty-six years, passed away on the 12th February 2014 in intensive care.  He was 78 years old.

This experience was so very painful for myself and my family, so I don’t know why I feel the need to include this brief account of the situation on my blog.  But I do, so I will…maybe it will help someone, in some way, somehow…!

Thursday... Tonight I visited my mum’s partner Ron, in Intensive Care.  Ron is 78 years old and has got pneumonia.  After a week in hospital he is now on life support.  I don’t feel alarmed seeing all the life saving equipment attached to him, as I’ve seen him in the same scenario – but for different reasons, at least three times before, after he fell and broke his neck in October 2011.

I remember then, how the family sat by his bedside for hours, days, weeks, not knowing if he would survive or not, grieving for what had been…and for the lost future we might have shared together.  We were told many times he would not survive his injuries…but he did, even though he spent over a year in hospital and there were many serious glitches along the way.

But this time it’s different…!  They, the all-knowing doctors, have already tried removing him from the oxygen this morning.  But he couldn’t manage to breathe alone.  So whilst they’ve now re-connected him, doctors have told us there is nothing more they can do for him, as he cannot breathe unaided….so tomorrow morning they are going to disconnect his air supply…and let nature take it’s course!

So it appears, at this stage, that this time there will be no reprieve – Ron is going to die…!

It’s been a very long week for the family, and I feel tired and weary as I sit by his bed, watching his face closely for signs of distress.  I look around and see other patients wired up, young and old.  This is such a sad, worrying unit – but the staff are dedicated to saving lives wherever they can…no one can fault their dedication or expertise. However, there are times when people will die….regardless!  I wonder how it will happen with Ron…will it be quick, slow, will he suffer, will he know, will it happen even?  Maybe this is not real, maybe he is strong enough to fight his way through this…after all he’s done it before – more than once!  Whose to say he can’t do it again eh?

As I wonder why life was as it was for Ron, with the terrible consequences of his alcoholic past, I wonder what life in general is actually about.  ‘What is all of this pain, turmoil and drama for?’ I ask the invisible force of the Universe!  Gurus say we create our own reality by the things we do, say and think – which I partially agree with and accept.  We have to take responsibility for ourselves – it’s one of our biggest lessons to learn.  But when one crisis occurs after another, then another, I wonder what in the world is drawing those things to us, questioning whether I will ever really know the answer.

I look at Ron, as he looks at me, and wonder what he is thinking!  Does he realise how ill he is?  Does he know he’s going to die?  Is he worrying and can’t express it because of the tube in his throat?  Does he feel sad, does he feel anything at all – or are the chemicals being pumped into him numbing not only his body, but also his mind?  I hope it’s the latter!  I don’t want him to feel, to hurt, to be afraid…I want him to be numb, calm – in oblivion you might say…because then he won’t be so scared of the…what next!

As I sit by his bed my heart aches for him, for his life, for his soul on it’s next stage of development.  I pray to God that Ron has been redeemed of his ancient past, that he has fulfilled the criteria for healing and growth demanded of his soul.  I pray that next time Ron is born, his life will be one of happiness and joy, filled with love.

My mind jumps to funeral arrangements, and sorting out of business – but I don’t want to think of that yet.  In my mind’s eye I send Ron healing.  My light-self attends to him and clears his lungs of the congestion that is choking him.  I watch as the lungs which were filled with black, turn to white, and release the negativity from my energy.

‘Wouldn’t it be wonderful if a miracle happened’ I think to myself…’where he can breathe unaided tomorrow.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the healing that occurred in my mind, actually manifested that miracle…!’.  But hey, we’ve got to be realistic now haven’t we…the doctors said….!

Then, whilst I’m thinking about Ron’s life, I suddenly find myself thinking about mine…the regrets, the failures, the things I should’ve done but didn’t.  No different from Ron really!!  I’m scared I’ll die feeling these things – I fear I will never be able to change them or create a happy life.  A life without turmoil, drama, crisis – but I don’t think a peaceful life like that is possible anymore!  May be that’s the trouble eh!

Friday…The tubes are still in place…the doctor puts his face close up to Ron’s whilst speaking to him…’You know when we remove the tube you may not be able to breathe don’t you?’ Ron nodded.  ‘You don’t want us to put the tube back do you Ron…and you don’t want us to do a tracheotomy do you?’.  Ron’s eyes looked confused…I don’t think he knew what he was supposed to say…so he just shook his head and agreed with the doctor.  He’d lived with a tracheotomy for many weeks after his accident – he hated it, so I knew he wouldn’t want to go through that again.

However, I felt the doctor was coercing Ron to agree to something he didn’t know was going to happen, so said sharply to the doctor…’I don’t think he understands what you are trying to tell him!’.  The doctor was telling Ron that he was probably going to die, and wanted Ron to agree to ‘No Intervention’ that was already written on his file – a statement that worried me…did it mean they would do nothing to save him?

So the doctor repeated himself to Ron, who once again agreed with him.  Then, surprising us all because we were preparing ourselves for the ‘finale’, the doctor said the tube would remain in for today…they would remove it tomorrow!

After this we sat and tried to cheer Ron up. Funny eh!  We knew he was probably going to die soon – but he didn’t.  He just wanted to get out of hospital.  So we made the small talk that you do in these situations, putting on a brave face, whilst fear, panic and sorrow was squeezing our hearts and minds.

Saturday and Sunday followed, but the tube remained in.  Ron was coping very well with his situation.  He was awake most of the time.  We all felt like we were living on a knife edge…wondering how ‘it’ would happen, waiting for the dreaded phone call…!

Monday…I spoke to the doctors.  I felt angry they kept telling us they would remove the tube, but then left it in.  No one wanted Ron to die…!  I told them I felt like I’d brought my dog to the vet to have him put down.  I wanted to know why they’d put ‘No intervention’ on his file.  I told him how worried I was that they would not help him as much as they could because of lack of funding, his age, low priority etc.  The doctor explained that Ron’s lungs were severely injured by his previous accident.  Now the pneumonia had been dealt with, but his lungs had been further damaged…meaning he would be unlikely to be able to breathe on his own, once the tube was removed.

The doctor assured me Ron had already received the best possible care, and would continue to do so whilst there, but in his condition his only option was to remain on life support…which really wasn’t an option was it, or die!  He also said the tube would be removed on Tuesday morning.  I said…’All I’m asking is that you give him the best possible chance to survive’.

It’s a strange experience, waiting for someone you love to die!  You know the reality, but still, hope rises that a miracle will happen, the doctors will be wrong.  That tomorrow the sun will shine and you will feel good about the day, because you know your loved ones are all okay!

It was difficult trying to remain cheerful whilst we sat with Ron!  Death was never mentioned…I wondered if he knew…!

Tuesday...I arrived early at the hospital, with dread in every part of my being.  What would it be like when the tube came out?  Would he realise what was happening, would he be afraid, would he suffer?  I couldn’t let myself feel how I was feeling…I knew I needed as much strength as I could muster, in order to support Ron at this stage.  I wondered how he felt…I am usually able to deal with most situations, but I didn’t feel able to ask Ron ‘How do you feel Ron, now that you’re going to die?’.  All I could say to console him was ‘You’ll feel better once that tube is out won’t you?’.  Ron agreed!

I waited outside in the corridor whilst the tube was removed.  The doctor assured me Ron would not be allowed to suffer.  Ten minutes later the nurses came to get me.  They were smiling.  ‘It’s okay, you can come back in now.  He’s fine and breathing on his own!’.

I almost ran back into the unit…there he was, dear old Ron, sitting up in bed with a huge, beaming smile lighting up his face.  He was laughing and joking as I gave him a hug, saying ‘Thank goodness that is out and you’re breathing okay’.  I sat with him for an hour or so before I called to arrange for my mum to come to the hospital.  She was so upset by the situation and as she’s disabled felt powerless to help him in any way.  She didn’t want to watch him die! But I felt she needed to see him now, looking so well and feeling so happy.

We stayed with him for a few hours…he was chatty and looking forward to the future.   He told us of his plans for when he got out of hospital, when he would leave the nursing home where he’d been staying for the last year or so.  This was an amazingly poignant experience for us all!  Was he going to live…or die?  Were the doctors right or wrong?  Had we got the miracle we’d prayed for?  I didn’t realise at that time that the high dose of morphine was responsible for his miracle cure…!  I just hoped and prayed for the impossible!

Wednesday...It was about 3 am when I got the call from the hospital. By the time we arrived Ron had quietly passed away!  It’s hard to describe feelings at this time, as there are so many emotions happening all at once.  Disappointment that this had to be the option, sadness at losing a big part of our lives, fear at what might happen to us and our other loved ones in the future.  Regret at what had to be, and especially for the dreams that Ron did not fulfill!

It’s been a month now since Ron passed.  All formalities have been attended to, so now it’s just a matter of getting on with our life, without him in it.  Grief is different for every loss…with varying levels of intensity of pain.  It helps sometimes, to have a thought that consoles us.  I guess what helps our pain is being able to recall him being so happy on Tuesday.  He had a really lovely day, with his loved ones around him, making plans, feeling optimistic.  I like to think that he went to sleep that night feeling happy.  And that when it was time for his soul to return home in the early hours of the next morning, he was feeling peace in his human heart and mind.

For us that are left we have to find a way to feel our own peace…life is so precious, we must ensure we make full use of the positive opportunities we have presented to us, whatever they are!  Ron had so many regrets, so do I! What about you though?

I wonder whether I will be able to resolve some of my things still to do, and if I will still have the time and energy to complete my tasks…?  I like to think I do, but so much time has passed already…so I don’t know!  However, what I do know now, is that moments of happiness can be found within the most distressing situations.  And that maybe it will be the memories of those short moments, that help us cope with our own uncertain future!

Rest in Peace Ron…we will all miss you!

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Guidance I received today that may also help you….

Fear not for the future, for it is good! Your own health will improve, once your focus is placed on your own needs and necessities.

Time is a great healer.  It is a teacher too!  It lets us know what to do for the best and what never to attempt again.  It helps us cross the barriers created by our mind.  Time lets us see what life has to offer us.

There is still time for you to live.  Time to rediscover and fulfil your dreams.

Time to learn that, actually there is NO TIME…just a flow of energy that you can choose to flow with or not!

Life is simplicity itself…It’s only the mind that makes us upset!

Go in peace with your loved ones!

Simple truths eh! Have a great day!

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I’m prompted to write this post because of the many cases of suicide I’m hearing about lately!  Each time I hear another person has killed themselves my heart cries out… ‘NO’…’THIS IS NOT RIGHT’…!!  I feel it’s dark shudder through my whole being! Every week it happens! Every day someone kills themselves because they can’t cope with their problems, their relationships, their emotions or their life!

This is not right…how can it be…these are our children, the people of the future…?

I feel so frustrated…!  I feel so sad for these people and their lost life…!  I recognise their terrible anguish and feel compelled to do something to help – ‘But what can I do?’ I ask myself…! How can I help change someone’s mind if they feel determined to take such action?  How can I convince someone that whilst they may be suffering now, their future contains wonderful experiences they would be desperately sad that they’d missed?  How can I communicate to them that once their life is gone, they will have missed all the opportunities for healing and growth their soul had signed up for? How can I prove that life is filled with both light and dark times, and whilst they may be in bleakness now, the wonderful times filled with love and light are only a breath away…?

And how can I help them understand that they are so much more, than their physical reality…?

I have personal experience of suicide… my father committed suicide aged 53. I have fought and resisted the compelling demons myself on more occasions than I would like to admit. I’ve friends who’ve lost a relative through suicide, and I’ve worked professionally with clients who have felt suicidal.  So…let me tell you a little about what I know, and maybe, just maybe, there will be someone reading this post that will benefit from my words, and NOT kill themselves…!  For I know, without a shadow of doubt, that suicide is not always the best solution…as it simply causes more suffering one way or another…!

Many people are feeling overwhelmed by their experiences of life! The problem is that because there’s so many hurdles to face, we’re not getting the rough and the smooth times that allow us to consolidate what we’ve learned – to reassure and calm ourselves down. Whereby when life seems wrong or broken, and nothing feels good enough, depression can slowly edge its way into our existence, or pounce on us unannounced, as we struggle to cope with the upsetting turbulence in our life….!

So, it helps to understand that challenges can help us grow…otherwise confusion as to why we have to suffer dominates our whole being and convinces us that we, or others, are the sole cause of our problems, when really they’re not!

Our internal and external worlds are changing more than ever before, and there’s so much pessimism nowadays it’s difficult to rise above the storm of opposition we face almost daily.  However, one major thing I’ve learned, is that life is meant to be challenging – for a good reason…to help us grow stronger!  As it’s during the times we feel most alone, burdened and weak, that we’re compelled to find inner strengths to cope with our situation.  Each time this happens (let’s call it a hurdle), we learn something new…a piece of wisdom that will help us better manage our future.  As regardless of how difficult, painful and hopeless our situation appears, there is always a way through it…somehow!  Even if it does mean finding ways to come to terms with what we’ve lost, or accepting what we can’t change, or stepping up and accepting responsibilities to ourself or others, that take us out of our comfort zone!

We’re meant to grow stronger through our challenges – not give up!  And whilst, when feeling weary, we may decide to opt-out of the rat-race for a time, we must remember that life is, and always will be transformational and transitional.  Where everything comes and goes in its own time!  And whilst there will be times when we can speed things up or slow things down, there will also be times when we can’t stop things happening.  As there are some external things we can’t control, and there’s things like our mind and emotions that we can control, but don’t, because we don’t know how!

Sometimes we have to fight ourselves and our egotistical mind to get what we want, and resist taking action that can harm us or others, or that can impair our future happiness!  This means when we think we can’t take any more, or go on feeling this bad any longer…we step outside of our immediate circumstances and look to the universe to provide what we need.  Religion doesn’t need to come into play here…just the realisation that we are energetic beings living in an energetic world, where we are the creators…!  We create many situations by things we do, say or think…so if we acknowledge the part we’ve played in getting us where we are (without beating ourselves up), then we can see where we’ve gone wrong, and maybe identify what we can do to put things right!

Thus, when feeling desolate, we have to force ourselves to remember that even though we’ve got enormous problems that seem insurmountable now, given proper attention they will reduce over time. Offering us the opportunity to embark on a new pathway, that will lead us to better and different things than we’ve previously known!  This is why our life is often referred to as…A JOURNEY…because that IS what it is…!  And thank goodness for that…because even though we get upset when we lose the things we want to keep, it also means that given time, our bad times will also eventually pass!

There’s a variety of reasons why people commit suicide, ranging from being overwhelmed with life, painful emotions, uncontrollable experiences; those suffering depression; those who overdose with their addictions, and those with terminal illness who choose not to suffer any more than they must.  And whilst we can recognise the contributing factors that prompt suicide thoughts, it’s the inability to control both our external and internal worlds, that create the overwhelming impulse that makes us want to self-harm!

There are those who condemn suicide as being wrong, and others who accept the more fatalist way of thinking that states… ‘It’s their choice’, or ‘It was their soul plan’…!  My own view?….Personal experience has taught me that we kill ourselves when we are acutely depressed or distressed by overwhelming problems, and believe there is nothing better to live for…!

We can kill ourselves on the whim of a single impulse, or we can plan our actions methodically.  We can be frantic in our actions, or we can be calm and collected! We can intentionally mean to kill ourselves, or we can attempt suicide to get the professional help we so desperately need, but have not been able to get.  Regardless, we view suicide as an ‘OPTION’… because we believe there is nothing else we can do…to stop our intolerable pain!

But…suicide is NOT an option to life…!!

Suicide ends all the opportunities you may have to experience love, success and happiness in your future!  And though you can’t feel happiness now, it doesn’t mean it’s not there…!  It is…I promise you…because I know…!  You just have to do things a bit differently than before!  You have to know how to wait for, find, and grab all of these wonderful things when the time is right, as whilst awareness is the true key to success,  ignorance and lack of positive action is our biggest curse!

I understand the factors that create the impulse to kill ourselves.  The depression that leads us to believe life is worthless because we’re ‘shit’…we’ll never be good enough!  I know the feelings inside that drag our morale out of existence, shattering any shreds of self-esteem and hope that we may have left inside our weary heart and mind!  I know the panic and futility that financial, employment and relationship problems can create, where the explosion of powerlessness in your mind and emotions brings you to your knees, and you don’t have enough of what it takes to get yourself back up on your feet again.

I know the dark tunnel of despair, that is relentlessly long, that leads you to believe that it and your pain, will never end…! And I know the overwhelming impulse to kill yourself when you don’t want to live, or the terrifying experience of wanting to kill yourself, even though you really don’t want to die!

Only those who know these things, will know…!

Our will, our heart, our mind can break during our emotional journeying.  And when this happens we need to utilise all of our coping skills just to maintain some sense of balancing act, that supports us as we falter and fall from our current existence.  This is the time when many give up, believing there is nothing left to give, nothing to receive, nothing to live for.  But they are wrong!  As it’s at this point of collapse, that our world will naturally start to rebuild, stronger and better – if we allow it to…almost like a second chance…to do things differently!

When we contemplate suicide our thoughts are dominated by what we’ve lost, what we can’t have and what we can’t do.  A perception that is contaminated by depressive thoughts that lie to us …constantly telling us how we are weak or wrong, we can’t take any more of it…, life will never improve…, we’ll never get what we want… etc.  We believe our thoughts and bad feelings because there’s been nothing to prove to us that they’re wrong!

We feel pain; we feel anger; we feel numb; we cry; we are silently screaming…we are trying to decide what to do for the best!  But when there are no positives in our life, and we are not an enlightened being who has learned the art of self-management,  our options appear limited.  So we remind ourselves there’s nothing we can do to improve our miserable existence!  Nothing we can do that will take away our internal pain.  Our anguish cuts to the core of our soul…so how can we stop how we’re feeling?  How can we stop this terrifying or desolate way of life that has been bestowed upon us by society, by other people, by our own resources, by God or fate, whatever…how can we stop all of this PAIN...?

But think about this…please!  As when we’re so overwhelmed by our anguish, how can we think clearly and know what to do to sort out our life?  How can we know answers that we’ve never learned? How can we reignite our hope and optimism when we can’t see the light at the end of the long, dark tunnel of despair?  As all we can see and feel is stuckness, darkness and an intolerable urge to escape from where we are?  Whereby our real problem is not what’s happening in our life…but is probably the depression that has silently taken over our thinking, feeling, existence and life!

Thus…you are not the problem, your life is not the problem –DEPRESSION has become the priority problem which now has to be attended to first, meaning you may need help from those who can support you until you feel better – which you will, given time!

We won’t feel excitement or enthusiasm when we’re depressed, so at our worst times we have to find a way to remember…something…! Just a snippet of information that will support the idea that maybe there is a way through our turmoil.  That we will be okay soon.  That our life will be worth living, the problem will be resolved – and our pain will stop!!  We have to force ourselves to remember a little bit of wisdom, that will trigger the hope that lies dormant inside us. Hope that just maybe, we can survive this pain…that tomorrow our life will start to improve and everything will work out okay…eventually!

When contemplating suicide, we can use various reasons to stay alive…our loved ones, ambitions etc.  But sometimes none of these things matter at the crucial point of action…there is only thought of what you have to do, what needs to be done to make everything go away…!   But our perception is distorted!  Our mind is unbalanced because it cannot perceive positively!  Our mind is governed by confused negative thinking that has become habitual and destructive!  Our mind feels like it is not our own…yet we can feel more in control than ever before.  And we know, without a shadow of doubt that our actions are the right actions. We know that this…suicide…is the best and only thing to do…!

But it’s not…WE ARE WRONG WHEN WE THINK THAT!..We over react because we don’t know what else to do… to make things right…!

So let’s me try to change your perception a little…as right now you may be believing that attempting to change your life is futile, as nothing you’ve tried before has worked.  There are too many things against you…and you can’t see how you will ever get out of this mess!!  And I realise that you might not feel like reading a long article..I know how hard it can be to concentrate…please persevere though, as something I write may trigger something inside of you to wake up and fight back…!

Let’s start by remembering there’s always a beginning and end to everything.  The only thing this doesn’t apply to is energy, as  energy is infinite but constantly changing form. So to make things easier to navigate, it helps to see episodes of conflict, depression, and despair, as us being inside a tunnel we enter from one end and eventually leave by the other…the length of the tunnel varies from one experience to another, according to our attitude and what actions we take to get the help we need!

Of course we all want life to be smooth, happy and easy…but it’s not is it?  It’s filled with dark tunnels, both short and long, at various distance points that we have to transcend through, to move along our life pathway. This is just how it is and always will be!  But also remember, that in between the tunnels is our good times. And as we learn to negotiate our way through the various challenges thrown at us, the tunnels of darkness become less frequent…!

As mentioned before, life is meant to be challenging because it allows us to change and grow.  So when we face heavy-duty challenges, a set of external and/or internal circumstances can lead us into the darkness of mental and emotional despair (the tunnel), which we can move forward through reasonably quickly if we’re not depressed, by using our skills, and help from others, to get where we need to go – which usually evokes some sort of positive change to our lives!

The trouble is when we get confused, scared or don’t know how to resolve our problems, we can get stuck between the entrance and exit points – so we freeze, because we can’t propel ourselves forward. We try to move forward doing all the things we’ve done before…then we’re surprised and disappointed when nothing seems to help!  But how can we create change…when we keep doing the same things that don’t work?  So we have to look beyond what we know…take a sidestep view and consider taking positive actions we’d not considered options before – just to take us to the next stepping stone!

It helps to see our route forward as stepping-stones. It means instead of seeing the big, unmanageable problem, we try to identify small ways to reduce our problem or make it easier to cope with  – one forward step at a time, until we’ve navigated our way out of the dark tunnel, which can become a safe hiding place for a little while, or the prison we can’t escape from, that keeps us locked into our despair.

This tunnel leads us into the unknown and is where we battle ourselves to find answers we don’t know, solutions we can’t see.  And if we get overwhelmed by our circumstances, this is where depression can set in and distort our ability to think clearly or positively, and where we start to believe we haven’t got what it takes to get through this…!  But you have…you just haven’t used those skills yet.  But they’re there, waiting for you to identify them – maybe you just need someone else to help you along the way, to see what you can’t see, or do what you can’t do!  We all need help at some time…!

You are so much stronger than you realise! But how will you find your true power if you’re not given challenges? So mentally channel strength and courage into your heart….give yourself more time to learn what you need to know… find what you need to find! You are not alone…even if you feel you are.  As regardless of whether you’re religious or not, you are an energetic being, meaning you are a spiritual being with access to helpers from many realms, who can stand by your side as you find your way through the darkness.  Just trust they are there.  Ask the angels/God/deity for help, to give you strength and courage to tolerate your inner emotions and calm your troubled mind.  To send people into your life that can support you at your time of need.  Then look for them, they will be there…!

Remember, depression may be the main problem now, so whilst other issues needs attention, depression needs attending to first! If you believe you’re not depressed, but are considering self-harming, then I have to tell you that you ARE depressed.  Which means there is a chemical disruption in your body that makes your mind think bad thoughts. Thoughts that are not true! Depression makes a mountain out of a molehill, depression turns a summer shower into a full-blown wintery storm…depression distorts logic, reason, beliefs, truth…it is very powerful!  But our conscious mind is stronger, wiser…once we know how to use it in a positive, structured way!

Stuck emotional energy can make us depressed and feel bad.  One of the easiest ways I’ve found to get energy unstuck is by tapping…EFT(emotional freedom technique).  It can have immediate affect…everything you need to know about tapping can be found on-line!  It’s worth knowing about as it can reduce your emotional pain in an instant, and give you a clearer mind!

Your mind can take you into the darkness and lead you out of it!  Depression makes us think dark thoughts, whereas using positive affirmations mean we can use our mental energy to create energetic changes in our life that make us feel better.  So, when you think bad thoughts, immediately cancel them out and affirm…

 ‘All is well in my life’ or…

‘My life and situation is getting better and better each day’ or…

 ‘I am healthy, happy and well. And protected at all times’.

I know you don’t believe them now…But the more you balance the negative thoughts with positive statements, the more stable your thoughts, emotions and life will become. So say these or other positive statements often – they will create new neural pathways in your mind that can attract good things toward you, and counteract the dark thoughts.

Our thoughts can literally change our life…one way or another. You choose how…!

I also know the despair that each day brings, where instead of waking up and embracing opportunities that a fresh day brings, our mind takes us harshly back to OUR reality.  Where there’s nothing to get up for, nothing to do with our precious time and skills.  Nothing we can do to change our miserable existence.  However, I’ve learned that what appears the hardest route, is often the easiest!  So as depression and anxiety can make us feel exhausted, you may think that staying in bed or sleeping on the settee all day may be the easiest way to cope with your nothingness.  But let me tell you it just adds to your misery…as whilst you do nothing, nothing will change! So do something positive each day, however small…it will act like a stepping stone that will get you unstuck!

Taking small positive actions and physical exercise is REALLY important when depressed – it gets stuck energy moving.  You don’t have to do loads, as just walking or running around the block a couple of times a day will stimulate your mind and help you feel more grounded.  So whilst going out or being with others is the last thing you feel like doing, just remember if you do the positive things to help depression, like setting yourself small goals, walking in the fresh air for a while each day, or meeting some friends, you may start to feel better and more ‘normal’.

What you ingest plays a big part in how you feel…!  If you are taking drugs, alcohol, living on junk food or starving yourself, your physical health will be affected, which will in turn cause changes to your moods, making it feel as though they are in control of you, rather than the other way round.

I know you might not be bothered about these things, but they affect how you feel.  And if we feel bad it helps to know why…then we can take corrective action!

When we are consumed by anguish, our vision is blocked and distorted. So when facing your darkest moment, remember time changes everything!  Tomorrow could be the day your luck and life improves.  Make the decision to wait a bit longer…just in case!  As the tomorrow, that’s the start of new things to come for you, will soon become today…where today is the day you start encouraging yourself to get life back in good order…today is when you find the answers you’ve been looking for, or the help you so need!  Today is the day when life seems worth living again!

But more than that…I want you to remember this …if you kill yourself, you will never get to find what you’ve been looking for! So all of your pain and suffering would have been for nothing…your life futile…because you did not see it through the tunnel, out into the light, where you reach the part of your experience where you get to reap the rewards for your efforts!

There are so many things I wanted to write in this article, but it would make it too long…too much to take in when you feel as you do! So even though I’ve spent over a week trying to get this article ‘right’, I have to accept I can’t say it all here and I might not say it in the best way. But I hope I’ve conveyed something that will help you believe that whilst there’s so much in life we don’t know about, we have to learn through experience.  And though we may be ready to experience new things, and have to wait until the time is ready for ‘it’ to appear, we still have to take small actions to get us where we need to be. Small steps that lead us out of the tunnel of darkness and despair, and nearer to our goals!

As I’ve matured I’ve learned that the biggest problem I have in my life is me…my attitude, my expectations, my lack of self-confidence…my fear!  We are so frightened of who we think we are!  So instead of berating myself about not being good enough, like I used to, I’m glad I can see personality aspects that make life more difficult for me.  As then I can redesign them to become more profitable instead of destructive. This is good to know, as instead of trying to change other people, when we accept the power we have over ourselves we can change who we are, and create a personality that works for us, not against us!

We have to learn how to be brave…but it’s not always easy!

Life is meant to be an arena where we fight our destructive egotistic tendencies and replace them with love, compassion, trust and hope.  And as we win each battle of wills, we become a little bit stronger, a little wiser, and a bit more confident as life becomes a little easier.  I know this is true…as even though it was desperately hard at my darkest moments, I somehow found the strength inside me and waited for the future…I waited for the good things to come…!  What has changed for the better…?  Me…and my life!

I am so glad I stayed…I really hope you choose to stay too…!

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After I commented on his blog recently, a blogging friend said this to me….

‘I’m not at all sure what I feel and think is valid.  Sometimes I hate myself for being the way I am.  I feel there is a war between two halves of me, and I dare not let either side win!’.

I said….’This is where real transformation can take place, where you discover your own truth about what is real and what is not – (for you).  The ‘war’ is the battle between our authentic self and ego.  Only we can decide which team wins!’

He said…’Ok, which is my authentic self?  The unthinking soul or the rational being? The right brain or the left?

WOW…EE >>>> Trigger for my slumbering writing mind to go into action….!

Well…as the mind and emotions are my favourite subject, and what I like to write about most,  I thought I’d write the answer in this article and explain a little about how we can resolve mental and emotional turmoil, simply by identifying with our ‘Authentic Self’.

First of all let’s talk about our thoughts…!

We have a naturally intelligent and creative mind that will automatically work to rectify conflict, according to how we’ve developed our thinking process, problem-solving skills, and how we feel emotionally about the issue and ourselves.  Our mind is wired to give us reasons for doing or not doing things, and confirmations that we, they or ‘it’ are right or wrong.

However, did you realise that every single thought that passes through your mind, has another thought attached to it? And that THAT thought also has another thought connected to it – creating a ‘chain of thoughts’?

Meaning that when you worry, you don’t just cognitively and emotionally react to one thought, but to many more!

Try it for yourself…. paying attention to your head space so you’re aware of your thoughts, think about an issue you’re dealing with, or something you want to do/not do…then wait, listen and watch your mind for what follows after that initial thought…

Or you could use this example….Say in your mind…’I am enough!’

If you kept your mind open and stayed attentive, you would notice more dialogue emerging as another thought follows the first, which when identified would generate  another, until there is a constant stream of mind-chat passing through your awareness.  The thoughts can be supportive to your ideals, against, or even both! So in the example of ‘I am enough’, your mind would offer further evidence for or against that statement, depending on how good you felt about yourself in the first place!

Also…did you realise that because you have an internal belief system that you have developed over your lifetime (your Frame of Reference I call it), you have conscious and unconscious thoughts that KNOW they are right – even if they’re not in reality correct or appropriate!  And that when we evaluate our issues, these are the type of thoughts that surface, in order to influence our decisions… which in turn stimulates any past emotional or psychological agenda (memories) we have tucked away deep inside us, that resonates in any way with those thoughts!

Now the problem seems to be that because we often remain unaware of these hidden or silent thoughts, which are generated from our unconscious mind in order to guide and help us, they remain unacknowledged and un-pacified.  So they can build-up in the background waiting for our acknowledgement of them. Thus if we’re worrying about something we find hard to resolve, loads of different negative and positive thoughts would be generated, in order to help us find the answer we need.  But which could cause us to feel overwhelmed because we don’t know how to deal with the pressure they are creating, in our mental and emotional system.

Our thoughts can be likened to decisions…I will/won’t, can/can’t etc.  So when we’re struggling with conflicting thoughts, it’s probably because we can’t make the final decision to console or justify whatever it is we’re dealing with….am I right/wrong, should I do it/not do it, is this going to help/hinder me, was it my/their fault this happened etc?  All questions that need answers, one way or another, because so many of us feel scared about leaving things alone, undone, unknown, unfinished in our way…!

Consequently,  we don’t know what to do for the best, so we stimulate our vulnerability – which has many other roots in our memory system which can then become re-activated,  perpetuating our confused thinking, emotional pressure and fear of the future…!

This is why we become so fraught when we face our dramas; where in order to console ourselves, we have to work out how make a decision that we’re unsure about, or find a safe way to exonerate ourselves or others from aspects of blame/guilt/shame/responsibility!

Conflict, namely old, bad memories, experiences, reactions and fears, runs throughout our energy system, causing energy blocks.  And when we find ourselves experiencing mental or emotional conflict dilemmas, it activates other latent conflicts; as current energy status seeks to find old like-energy, in order to unite and console itself (universal law of attraction – like attracts like).

That’s why over-thinking can send us crazy sometimes!  Because we enter a cyclical conflict process that can only be resolved by making a decision that allows us to release any emotional attachment to the problem…but that we find so hard to comfortably do, because that decision-making-process interferes with the negative, yet habitual weighing-up cognitive process we use, that can exhaust us on every level, if we allow it to!

Thus, it happens that we get pushed over the edge by something simple, and react inappropriately, not realising that what we’re really dealing with is fear that’s been brought up from the past!

So, when your mind is all over the place, pushing your stress levels through the roof because you can’t seem to stop the intrusive thoughts that scream and shout in your mind, what exactly can you do to help yourself feel better?  And how do you know which part of your mind is telling you the truth, that will help you finalise any conflict decision?

Well firstly, we have to be aware that our brain is wired up to be creative and think logically.  This is how we usually resolve everyday problems. However, when we’re caught-up in a dilemma that affects us emotionally, it’s hard to think logically because we’ve got so many other reactive thoughts being generated. Which in turn stimulates us emotionally.  Which then, to top it all, stimulates even more reactive thoughts, then feelings, then thoughts, then feelings…..I’m sure you get the picture by now!

This is the thinking process that governs our mind, emotions, responses, reactions and actions! Most of the time ‘IT’, our mind, seems to rule us. But we can regain control at anytime during the turbulent process, simply by consciously stepping into our mind, and diverting our thinking from our head to our authentic self, the God-Self that is wise and compassionate, and does not react to our fear prompts!

But how do we find the ‘Authentic’ us?  How do we know which part of us is real, true and trustworthy enough for us to  believe in it’s wisdom? And how can it reduce our conflict?

We often have dialogue within certain parts of ourself that we think are our soul or higher nature, when really it’s just another part of our ego mind trying to convince us we are right or okay! And when we have an internal conversation that is critical, damning, chastising, defensive or retaliative toward us or others – in any way, this is NOT our higher nature, but is our mind battling within itself, to find justification, permission, approval, exoneration or praise!

It’s easy to fool ourselves into believing our thoughts are true, as we’ve done so throughout our entire existence.  But whereas conscious and unconscious thoughts can stimulate our anxiety when we face conflict, soul guidance carries a different vibration – a calm, balanced feel that can support, console and calm our anxiety, because once we’ve started to listen to our inner voice and test out the information we receive, we know the words that come from this energy to be true.

Try this…next time you’re struggling with yourself, for whatever reason, become aware of the pressure in your head, caused by the see-saw of thoughts that’s trying to influence your judgement.  Where’s the pressure – the top/ middle, back/front, right/left side?  How intense is it – low, moderate, high?

Okay, now let that pressure go…just by telling yourself ‘I allow this pressure to soften and flow, soften and flow, soften and flow’…(Emotrance technique). You can place your hands on your head whilst you do this if you like, as we’ve all got healing abilities.

Initially you may not feel the energy moving, but when you’re more experienced and aware you will notice a shift in the pressure.

Take a couple of deep calming breaths – in through your nose, slowly out through your mouth…

Then, move your attention downwards, to the centre of your chest – the heart chakra centre, and look for the answers there.  Some people call this the ‘God-mind/soul/intuition/higher mind/authentic self’.  But hey, as long as it helps us sort ourselves out, what does it matter what it’s called…!

Now, seek your guidance from your heart centre – which I class as our Authentic Self – the part of us that knows all we ever need to know.  So instead of asking questions in your mind, constantly bouncing between right and left brain, you ask your heart centre to help you answer your query.

Whilst you can get answers to your questions from the heart centre, you will probably not get a direct ‘yes you should’ or ‘no you shouldn’t’ response, as you’re more likely to receive some sort of guidance that will help you make that important decision, or find the awareness you were seeking.

This heart-centre contains our voice of wisdom and can console us because it thinks outside of our fear.  When we try to rationalise our problems we often make them bigger or worse than they are.  But if we use our heart-centre authenticity to guide us, we get the benefit of wisdom that will increase our awareness of influences that inhibit our normal judgement.  Which means we start to become superior to our ego, so we become less reactive, because we’re not bound by ego prompts as much!

When we start detaching our decisions from the influences of our ego, we feel happier and more grounded in life, as we’re not being pulled and pushed by logic/illogical thoughts that try to support our negative personality traits.

Learning to become objective to our own life is a hard skill to master, as we’re such emotional and frightened beings, caused by the negative way we use our mind.  But the ‘voice’ we hear or sense from our heart centre, is never afraid.  This is the voice of LOVE, compassion, reason, wisdom and empathy, that will, if we listen to it, console our trouble mind and comfort our turbulent emotions!

Sooo, although our mind is more competent than any computer, using the heart centre as an additional guide to work out our problems ensures we have the information we need, to make more informed decisions. It is the voice of a loving friend who can offer us a different perspective on who we are, our problems and challenges.  It will also, if we pay attention to it’s guidance, help and encourage us to find the best way of living our life, because it will help us find our truth!!

Learning to… let go… of our need to control, influence, be involved in a situation, or be part of someone else’s life, is one of our hardest lessons, as it goes against what we desire, whilst our natural instincts are primed to get us what we want!

But sometimes it happens that we’ve found what we desire, but not in the place we think…! 

Mental and emotional turmoil walk together!  So if we’re unhappy emotionally, our mind will become conflicted when we use our own ego-based rules to try to sort it out.  There are times when because we feel so overwhelmed by how we feel, regardless of what our problem is, our main desire is just to be able to feel calm, and be in control of our mind and emotions.  We don’t care about ‘the problem’ any more!  We just want to feel normal again!

Having a regular dialogue with our Authentic Self, located in our heart centre, will help us achieve that desire…!

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Although I’d decided to write a series of articles under the title ‘Inside The Mind of a Fat Person’, I’ve found myself really struggling to get started on this third one. So I needed to identify why I felt reluctant to write more on this topic, as I’d already faced my personal demons and taken the challenge to expose my ‘fatness’ to the world, when I wrote the first article on this subject.

However, after examining my reluctance a bit more closely, I was quite surprised to find that I’d been avoiding writing about being fat because…

1) I didn’t want to be perceived as a ‘victim’!

2) I didn’t want to be condemned for not losing the weight!

3) I didn’t want to be criticised for speaking my truth!

4) I didn’t want people to pity me, or feel sorry for me!

In fact, if I’m totally honest with myself, I’d say the basis of my writing difficulty was that I didn’t want to be seen, noticed or even acknowledged!….Gasp of frustration…Deep conditioning created over my many years, that still impacts me now…!

Blast – I thought I’d come past all of this crap!!

I don’t know why this realisation surprised me, as I know myself very well!  I know the self-doubt I face each time I make a choice, or face an important decision.  I recognise how I talk myself out of moving toward the direction that could make me feel happier and more fulfilled, because I feel ashamed about the way I look!  I totally accept that I am the controller of my own destiny…yet it still upsets me that so many of us FP put our lives on hold, until we lose the weight that keeps us rooted to the isolation of our imagination, that convinces us to believe, without doubt, that we are not good enough as we are.

It’s normal to doubt ourselves during childhood.  But when there is ‘An Issue’ present, including overweight, then life takes on an avalanche of unlimited possibilities for personality destruction, because the child perceives they are judged by others according to their ‘issue’, thus doesn’t know who or what to be as it matures into adulthood! In the case of obesity, life becomes filled with questions about what’s right/wrong/good or bad food, what you should/shouldn’t eat, when you should/shouldn’t eat!  What you should or shouldn’t do or wear to make you look thinner, less fat! What you must or mustn’t do to get noticed, avoid being seen,  get attention, and be acceptable or invisible to others!

Eventually, life becomes filled with self-doubt, self-debating and self-berating, where instead of embracing who we are, and allowing ourselves to reach our full potential as we mature, we struggle to find a mode of being that makes us feel acceptable to the limitations of the outside world!

In many cases we question everything, until we reach a point where we imprison ourselves in our own negative emotions, that dictate that shame and guilt rises each time we consume anything!  There is no enjoyment to be gained from mealtimes – only guilty pleasures that make us feel ashamed and regretful, after we’ve digested the delicious mouthfuls of food that just for that moment satisfied us, made us feel better, or pacified our despair!

FP/TP want to be considered normal. But how can we feel normal when we react so badly to eating something as small as one biscuit, or a couple of pieces of chocolate?  Don’t normal people eat these things?  Of course they do!  The difference is normal people usually stop when they’ve had enough. Or, if they do binge, they do not repeat it on a regular basis.  But because FP have so much emotional agenda that rises when they eat forbidden food, their impulse to eat is stimulated by the bad way they feel. Which makes it almost impossible to control their appetite, because they are being driven to over-eat by impulses created from their emotional discomfort.

Our self-perception is strongly influenced by the way we look, so when we try to manage or control weight issues that make us feel inadequate, our mind is geared-up to give us what we want to get or avoid.  The problem with this is that we create a ‘perfect rule-book’ in our mind that is often unworkable, because it’s unrealistic.  For example… we decide to go on a diet, stick at it a couple of days before our resolve starts to falter, and we eat what we shouldn’t. So we come off the diet feeling we’ve failed – we’ve blown it yet again!  This repetitive process builds-up shame and guilt energy within our persona, that guarantees we will continue to fail in the future – because we don’t believe we can succeed in our aims.

We rarely admit to ourselves that most people find it difficult to change their lifestyle.  For if we did we would see our ‘normality’! Instead we just perpetuate our shame by believing we are inferior, inadequate, incapable of success, and fat is a problem we cannot control, change, get rid of, because we’re not strong enough to hold our resolve!

FP/TP live life feeling in or out of control!  This is why life becomes so hard!  But even though we are over/under weight, even though we’ve failed on a million diets, there’s still things we can do to help ourselves, that will change our perception toward food, and help us feel more confident about what we can do!

It’s great to be able to plan ahead.  But it’s not only FP that find it difficult to fully commit themselves for any given period of time, as other addicts will attest to. So there are other ways of approaching our problems!  If we looked at our life style one day at a time for example, if we have a bad day today we make the decision to start again tomorrow and do it better.  So instead of giving up on ourselves because we’ve broken our promise to us, we persevere each day until we get it right, by making little adjustments in our life, that support healthy living.

One of the most important tasks I set myself, many years ago, was to abolish any emotional attachment I had to food!  I’d tried to do the right things and dieted all my life, yet I was still fat and unhappy!  So one day I made the decision that my relationship with food had to change, as whilst I hated being a FP, I hated being so miserable even more!

Once I recognised how I stimulated so much internal pain each time I ate, I decided to eat what I wanted – when I wanted, and make sure I enjoyed everything I digested.  If I didn’t like it I wouldn’t eat it!  If I over-ate I would enjoy the gluttonous feelings and feel rewarded and satisfied!  If I over-ate and felt nauseous, I would laugh at myself for making myself feel so bad!  I learned how to relax when I ate, instead of stressing myself out with my list of rules that I was breaking.

It took a few months of working consciously to divert my bad thoughts to neutral thinking, but it worked for me by setting me free from the ‘eat – guilt – shame – overeat’ process. Eventually, and quite naturally, I became more choosy about what I wanted to eat. I could leave food on the plate, I could resist the ‘forbidden’ foods more easily – all without forcing myself to do so!  I had gained control over my eating, by simply allowing myself to eat what I chose to, when I needed to eat!

I rarely binged and I lost some weight – even though I wasn’t dieting!  And this was how I cured myself of Binge Eating Disorder!!

So whilst I’m still fat now, food rarely stimulates my guilt or shame! I’ve broken the rules and set myself emotionally free from guilt/shame each time I crave something. And most importantly, realise that even though I am a FP, I am entitled to feel pleasure, satisfaction and enjoyment from the act of eating – just as normal-weight people do!

Life is challenging for most of us now, and pleasures are harder to find because of our high stress levels.  But food is meant to feed our body to promote good health, it’s meant to sustain us, and is a way to experience pleasure and satisfaction.  If you are a FP/TP, and your relationship with food is not rewarding, then find a way to change the rules in your mind, to break the rules of rigidity that contradict your own natural needs.

Learn to eat consciously…Eat and enjoy food, glorious food….!

Also become aware of what you eat, how you eat it, and why…!

But just remember that…. sugar acts as a poison to your body, and wheat is an allergen, so because your body has problems processing these they could make your body swell up.  If you avoid these as much as you can, you may eventually feel healthier and not have such a weight problem in the future!

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