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Archive for the ‘Suicide’ Category

Having not written anything for the last couple of years, because of health problems, I’ve decided to resume writing at this time, because if I don’t do it now then I probably won’t do it at all….where the subject will be my experiences with cancer.  I don’t think I intend it to be all doom and gloom, as that’s not how I want this ride to be.  However I will probably share the pitfalls I experience during my journey…to who knows where!

I was diagnosed in April 2015 with advanced bowel cancer, which had spread to my lymph nodes and attached to my pancreas – which was not cancerous, but still meant that half of it would have to be removed. After a lengthy hospital stay and four operations I was told I was ‘cancer free’.  I never believed that of course, and I didn’t rejoice in my ‘cure’, as I knew, like we all do, that once you have been diagnosed with cancer anywhere, then it takes more than a bottle of pills and a few days in bed to get rid of it. Where the very nature of the disease means there’s always the possibility it may come back at sometime, in a different part of the body.

I’ve always had problems with depression and anxiety, and indeed last year, whilst in hospital, I went into a deep black hole that contaminated my whole being, where the depression affected my thinking more than having cancer did.  And it broke me more than anything else has in the past.  I was a prisoner, in a situation I didn’t want, and could not escape from. After five months I accepted the anti-depressants that the psychiatrist offered me.  In fact I nearly tore them out of his hand, I felt so desperate.  I planned my suicide, I didn’t want to exist like this and suffer more pain. I wondered how I would cope at the end…when my time came to step off the cancer train and fall into the arms of the heavenly bodies we hope are there waiting for us when we pass over. I say hope, because whatever you believe, and I thought I’d had evidence that our spiritual friends do actually exist, we will never truly know until our time comes, to find out the truth will we!

In April I was told that cancer has spread to my peritoneum and liver. ‘That’s it’ I thought, ‘I’m not one of the lucky ones who got away with it!’. It has taken all of these months, with various scans and tests, for me to make up my mind to accept palliative chemo treatment. It’s in my bloodstream so I doubt if there will be any more ops…which I’m pleased about. Having ‘it’ cut out and took away might sound appealing, but ‘it’s not possible in my case’ the doctors tell me.

Yet now, as time passed and I started to feel stronger and better, my mood is confusing to me.  I don’t feel scared or worried.  I thought, knowing how I used to suffer with anxiety before, that during this experience I would be terrified…but I’m not, and it feels sort of surreal. I wondered if I was in denial, but I don’t think I am.  I don’t want to constantly focus on it, or talk about it, as my ethos is that I will deal with events as they occur…for now anyway!

Accepting chemo has been a really hard decision to make, and I did lots of research on-line for various alternatives.  I was looking for one of the wonder cures that are written about on various sites, but nothing seemed plausible. Bicarbonate of soda cures, vitamin cures, diet cures…the list goes on.  Nothing was helpful to me. In fact it confused and worried me even more, where people were saying how ‘chemo kills more people than it cures’, that ‘chemo causes other cancers to rise in the body’ etc. I didn’t know what to believe.  And THAT was terrifying!

The oncologist and Macmillan nurse gave the expected response when I tried to talk to them about the alternative to chemo options…’There is no evidence’…’You shouldn’t believe what you read on the web’. But how can I trust what the doctors tell me…as I know they are also fallible!

I’ve been told, very enthusiastically by the oncologist – who ‘legally had to inform me of the possible risks’, that chemo…’could kill me’…‘will make my hair fall out’…’will make me feel very ill’, so have I got that to look forward to? We’ll have to wait and see, as I bit the bullet and tomorrow, Monday, I start chemo…that’s as long as there is a bed available  on the cancer ward. I am worried about it…it feels like it will kill me…which of course it will, by killing off both the bad and good cells. But it doesn’t mean to say it will physically kill me does it? And the medical staff assure me the immune system will recover eventually.

My first-line treatment is chemo once a fortnight, for three months.  They hope it will extend my life…so do I…! The pic line I had fitted a few weeks ago became infected after three days, so that meant another week in hospital on loads of antibiotics meaning the pic line had to be removed. Which delayed things a little. So I must spend a couple of days in hospital for treatment until the pic line is fitted again, then I think it can be done in day stay.

For now this is a brief update of my situation. I hope to write more during my journey on the cancer train, which i have been on for some time now, where I discover the different platforms I’m forced to embark upon – with different problems I must overcome. I know I’m not alone…cancer has become an epidemic that affects everyone in one way or another.  And although when I was first diagnosed I didn’t intend that cancer would dominate my life, it does…as everything is directed around ‘it’, and the effects it has on my life and that of my family and friends.

I have to ensure I don’t treat ‘it’ as the enemy…even though it is, as I can’t afford to emotionally let myself feel the pain and distress that could disable me further, draining my energy, leaving me even more powerless against my anxious thoughts. Yet even though this is happening to me, which is hard for me to believe, I still want to feel happy, good, positive…and more importantly…alive! There’s time fore everything else later – but not now!

I will keep you posted…!

Sending love,

Chrissie xxx

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I’m prompted to write this post because of the many cases of suicide I’m hearing about lately!  Each time I hear another person has killed themselves my heart cries out… ‘NO’…’THIS IS NOT RIGHT’…!!  I feel it’s dark shudder through my whole being! Every week it happens! Every day someone kills themselves because they can’t cope with their problems, their relationships, their emotions or their life!

This is not right…how can it be…these are our children, the people of the future…?

I feel so frustrated…!  I feel so sad for these people and their lost life…!  I recognise their terrible anguish and feel compelled to do something to help – ‘But what can I do?’ I ask myself…! How can I help change someone’s mind if they feel determined to take such action?  How can I convince someone that whilst they may be suffering now, their future contains wonderful experiences they would be desperately sad that they’d missed?  How can I communicate to them that once their life is gone, they will have missed all the opportunities for healing and growth their soul had signed up for? How can I prove that life is filled with both light and dark times, and whilst they may be in bleakness now, the wonderful times filled with love and light are only a breath away…?

And how can I help them understand that they are so much more, than their physical reality…?

I have personal experience of suicide… my father committed suicide aged 53. I have fought and resisted the compelling demons myself on more occasions than I would like to admit. I’ve friends who’ve lost a relative through suicide, and I’ve worked professionally with clients who have felt suicidal.  So…let me tell you a little about what I know, and maybe, just maybe, there will be someone reading this post that will benefit from my words, and NOT kill themselves…!  For I know, without a shadow of doubt, that suicide is not always the best solution…as it simply causes more suffering one way or another…!

Many people are feeling overwhelmed by their experiences of life! The problem is that because there’s so many hurdles to face, we’re not getting the rough and the smooth times that allow us to consolidate what we’ve learned – to reassure and calm ourselves down. Whereby when life seems wrong or broken, and nothing feels good enough, depression can slowly edge its way into our existence, or pounce on us unannounced, as we struggle to cope with the upsetting turbulence in our life….!

So, it helps to understand that challenges can help us grow…otherwise confusion as to why we have to suffer dominates our whole being and convinces us that we, or others, are the sole cause of our problems, when really they’re not!

Our internal and external worlds are changing more than ever before, and there’s so much pessimism nowadays it’s difficult to rise above the storm of opposition we face almost daily.  However, one major thing I’ve learned, is that life is meant to be challenging – for a good reason…to help us grow stronger!  As it’s during the times we feel most alone, burdened and weak, that we’re compelled to find inner strengths to cope with our situation.  Each time this happens (let’s call it a hurdle), we learn something new…a piece of wisdom that will help us better manage our future.  As regardless of how difficult, painful and hopeless our situation appears, there is always a way through it…somehow!  Even if it does mean finding ways to come to terms with what we’ve lost, or accepting what we can’t change, or stepping up and accepting responsibilities to ourself or others, that take us out of our comfort zone!

We’re meant to grow stronger through our challenges – not give up!  And whilst, when feeling weary, we may decide to opt-out of the rat-race for a time, we must remember that life is, and always will be transformational and transitional.  Where everything comes and goes in its own time!  And whilst there will be times when we can speed things up or slow things down, there will also be times when we can’t stop things happening.  As there are some external things we can’t control, and there’s things like our mind and emotions that we can control, but don’t, because we don’t know how!

Sometimes we have to fight ourselves and our egotistical mind to get what we want, and resist taking action that can harm us or others, or that can impair our future happiness!  This means when we think we can’t take any more, or go on feeling this bad any longer…we step outside of our immediate circumstances and look to the universe to provide what we need.  Religion doesn’t need to come into play here…just the realisation that we are energetic beings living in an energetic world, where we are the creators…!  We create many situations by things we do, say or think…so if we acknowledge the part we’ve played in getting us where we are (without beating ourselves up), then we can see where we’ve gone wrong, and maybe identify what we can do to put things right!

Thus, when feeling desolate, we have to force ourselves to remember that even though we’ve got enormous problems that seem insurmountable now, given proper attention they will reduce over time. Offering us the opportunity to embark on a new pathway, that will lead us to better and different things than we’ve previously known!  This is why our life is often referred to as…A JOURNEY…because that IS what it is…!  And thank goodness for that…because even though we get upset when we lose the things we want to keep, it also means that given time, our bad times will also eventually pass!

There’s a variety of reasons why people commit suicide, ranging from being overwhelmed with life, painful emotions, uncontrollable experiences; those suffering depression; those who overdose with their addictions, and those with terminal illness who choose not to suffer any more than they must.  And whilst we can recognise the contributing factors that prompt suicide thoughts, it’s the inability to control both our external and internal worlds, that create the overwhelming impulse that makes us want to self-harm!

There are those who condemn suicide as being wrong, and others who accept the more fatalist way of thinking that states… ‘It’s their choice’, or ‘It was their soul plan’…!  My own view?….Personal experience has taught me that we kill ourselves when we are acutely depressed or distressed by overwhelming problems, and believe there is nothing better to live for…!

We can kill ourselves on the whim of a single impulse, or we can plan our actions methodically.  We can be frantic in our actions, or we can be calm and collected! We can intentionally mean to kill ourselves, or we can attempt suicide to get the professional help we so desperately need, but have not been able to get.  Regardless, we view suicide as an ‘OPTION’… because we believe there is nothing else we can do…to stop our intolerable pain!

But…suicide is NOT an option to life…!!

Suicide ends all the opportunities you may have to experience love, success and happiness in your future!  And though you can’t feel happiness now, it doesn’t mean it’s not there…!  It is…I promise you…because I know…!  You just have to do things a bit differently than before!  You have to know how to wait for, find, and grab all of these wonderful things when the time is right, as whilst awareness is the true key to success,  ignorance and lack of positive action is our biggest curse!

I understand the factors that create the impulse to kill ourselves.  The depression that leads us to believe life is worthless because we’re ‘shit’…we’ll never be good enough!  I know the feelings inside that drag our morale out of existence, shattering any shreds of self-esteem and hope that we may have left inside our weary heart and mind!  I know the panic and futility that financial, employment and relationship problems can create, where the explosion of powerlessness in your mind and emotions brings you to your knees, and you don’t have enough of what it takes to get yourself back up on your feet again.

I know the dark tunnel of despair, that is relentlessly long, that leads you to believe that it and your pain, will never end…! And I know the overwhelming impulse to kill yourself when you don’t want to live, or the terrifying experience of wanting to kill yourself, even though you really don’t want to die!

Only those who know these things, will know…!

Our will, our heart, our mind can break during our emotional journeying.  And when this happens we need to utilise all of our coping skills just to maintain some sense of balancing act, that supports us as we falter and fall from our current existence.  This is the time when many give up, believing there is nothing left to give, nothing to receive, nothing to live for.  But they are wrong!  As it’s at this point of collapse, that our world will naturally start to rebuild, stronger and better – if we allow it to…almost like a second chance…to do things differently!

When we contemplate suicide our thoughts are dominated by what we’ve lost, what we can’t have and what we can’t do.  A perception that is contaminated by depressive thoughts that lie to us …constantly telling us how we are weak or wrong, we can’t take any more of it…, life will never improve…, we’ll never get what we want… etc.  We believe our thoughts and bad feelings because there’s been nothing to prove to us that they’re wrong!

We feel pain; we feel anger; we feel numb; we cry; we are silently screaming…we are trying to decide what to do for the best!  But when there are no positives in our life, and we are not an enlightened being who has learned the art of self-management,  our options appear limited.  So we remind ourselves there’s nothing we can do to improve our miserable existence!  Nothing we can do that will take away our internal pain.  Our anguish cuts to the core of our soul…so how can we stop how we’re feeling?  How can we stop this terrifying or desolate way of life that has been bestowed upon us by society, by other people, by our own resources, by God or fate, whatever…how can we stop all of this PAIN...?

But think about this…please!  As when we’re so overwhelmed by our anguish, how can we think clearly and know what to do to sort out our life?  How can we know answers that we’ve never learned? How can we reignite our hope and optimism when we can’t see the light at the end of the long, dark tunnel of despair?  As all we can see and feel is stuckness, darkness and an intolerable urge to escape from where we are?  Whereby our real problem is not what’s happening in our life…but is probably the depression that has silently taken over our thinking, feeling, existence and life!

Thus…you are not the problem, your life is not the problem –DEPRESSION has become the priority problem which now has to be attended to first, meaning you may need help from those who can support you until you feel better – which you will, given time!

We won’t feel excitement or enthusiasm when we’re depressed, so at our worst times we have to find a way to remember…something…! Just a snippet of information that will support the idea that maybe there is a way through our turmoil.  That we will be okay soon.  That our life will be worth living, the problem will be resolved – and our pain will stop!!  We have to force ourselves to remember a little bit of wisdom, that will trigger the hope that lies dormant inside us. Hope that just maybe, we can survive this pain…that tomorrow our life will start to improve and everything will work out okay…eventually!

When contemplating suicide, we can use various reasons to stay alive…our loved ones, ambitions etc.  But sometimes none of these things matter at the crucial point of action…there is only thought of what you have to do, what needs to be done to make everything go away…!   But our perception is distorted!  Our mind is unbalanced because it cannot perceive positively!  Our mind is governed by confused negative thinking that has become habitual and destructive!  Our mind feels like it is not our own…yet we can feel more in control than ever before.  And we know, without a shadow of doubt that our actions are the right actions. We know that this…suicide…is the best and only thing to do…!

But it’s not…WE ARE WRONG WHEN WE THINK THAT!..We over react because we don’t know what else to do… to make things right…!

So let’s me try to change your perception a little…as right now you may be believing that attempting to change your life is futile, as nothing you’ve tried before has worked.  There are too many things against you…and you can’t see how you will ever get out of this mess!!  And I realise that you might not feel like reading a long article..I know how hard it can be to concentrate…please persevere though, as something I write may trigger something inside of you to wake up and fight back…!

Let’s start by remembering there’s always a beginning and end to everything.  The only thing this doesn’t apply to is energy, as  energy is infinite but constantly changing form. So to make things easier to navigate, it helps to see episodes of conflict, depression, and despair, as us being inside a tunnel we enter from one end and eventually leave by the other…the length of the tunnel varies from one experience to another, according to our attitude and what actions we take to get the help we need!

Of course we all want life to be smooth, happy and easy…but it’s not is it?  It’s filled with dark tunnels, both short and long, at various distance points that we have to transcend through, to move along our life pathway. This is just how it is and always will be!  But also remember, that in between the tunnels is our good times. And as we learn to negotiate our way through the various challenges thrown at us, the tunnels of darkness become less frequent…!

As mentioned before, life is meant to be challenging because it allows us to change and grow.  So when we face heavy-duty challenges, a set of external and/or internal circumstances can lead us into the darkness of mental and emotional despair (the tunnel), which we can move forward through reasonably quickly if we’re not depressed, by using our skills, and help from others, to get where we need to go – which usually evokes some sort of positive change to our lives!

The trouble is when we get confused, scared or don’t know how to resolve our problems, we can get stuck between the entrance and exit points – so we freeze, because we can’t propel ourselves forward. We try to move forward doing all the things we’ve done before…then we’re surprised and disappointed when nothing seems to help!  But how can we create change…when we keep doing the same things that don’t work?  So we have to look beyond what we know…take a sidestep view and consider taking positive actions we’d not considered options before – just to take us to the next stepping stone!

It helps to see our route forward as stepping-stones. It means instead of seeing the big, unmanageable problem, we try to identify small ways to reduce our problem or make it easier to cope with  – one forward step at a time, until we’ve navigated our way out of the dark tunnel, which can become a safe hiding place for a little while, or the prison we can’t escape from, that keeps us locked into our despair.

This tunnel leads us into the unknown and is where we battle ourselves to find answers we don’t know, solutions we can’t see.  And if we get overwhelmed by our circumstances, this is where depression can set in and distort our ability to think clearly or positively, and where we start to believe we haven’t got what it takes to get through this…!  But you have…you just haven’t used those skills yet.  But they’re there, waiting for you to identify them – maybe you just need someone else to help you along the way, to see what you can’t see, or do what you can’t do!  We all need help at some time…!

You are so much stronger than you realise! But how will you find your true power if you’re not given challenges? So mentally channel strength and courage into your heart….give yourself more time to learn what you need to know… find what you need to find! You are not alone…even if you feel you are.  As regardless of whether you’re religious or not, you are an energetic being, meaning you are a spiritual being with access to helpers from many realms, who can stand by your side as you find your way through the darkness.  Just trust they are there.  Ask the angels/God/deity for help, to give you strength and courage to tolerate your inner emotions and calm your troubled mind.  To send people into your life that can support you at your time of need.  Then look for them, they will be there…!

Remember, depression may be the main problem now, so whilst other issues needs attention, depression needs attending to first! If you believe you’re not depressed, but are considering self-harming, then I have to tell you that you ARE depressed.  Which means there is a chemical disruption in your body that makes your mind think bad thoughts. Thoughts that are not true! Depression makes a mountain out of a molehill, depression turns a summer shower into a full-blown wintery storm…depression distorts logic, reason, beliefs, truth…it is very powerful!  But our conscious mind is stronger, wiser…once we know how to use it in a positive, structured way!

Stuck emotional energy can make us depressed and feel bad.  One of the easiest ways I’ve found to get energy unstuck is by tapping…EFT(emotional freedom technique).  It can have immediate affect…everything you need to know about tapping can be found on-line!  It’s worth knowing about as it can reduce your emotional pain in an instant, and give you a clearer mind!

Your mind can take you into the darkness and lead you out of it!  Depression makes us think dark thoughts, whereas using positive affirmations mean we can use our mental energy to create energetic changes in our life that make us feel better.  So, when you think bad thoughts, immediately cancel them out and affirm…

 ‘All is well in my life’ or…

‘My life and situation is getting better and better each day’ or…

 ‘I am healthy, happy and well. And protected at all times’.

I know you don’t believe them now…But the more you balance the negative thoughts with positive statements, the more stable your thoughts, emotions and life will become. So say these or other positive statements often – they will create new neural pathways in your mind that can attract good things toward you, and counteract the dark thoughts.

Our thoughts can literally change our life…one way or another. You choose how…!

I also know the despair that each day brings, where instead of waking up and embracing opportunities that a fresh day brings, our mind takes us harshly back to OUR reality.  Where there’s nothing to get up for, nothing to do with our precious time and skills.  Nothing we can do to change our miserable existence.  However, I’ve learned that what appears the hardest route, is often the easiest!  So as depression and anxiety can make us feel exhausted, you may think that staying in bed or sleeping on the settee all day may be the easiest way to cope with your nothingness.  But let me tell you it just adds to your misery…as whilst you do nothing, nothing will change! So do something positive each day, however small…it will act like a stepping stone that will get you unstuck!

Taking small positive actions and physical exercise is REALLY important when depressed – it gets stuck energy moving.  You don’t have to do loads, as just walking or running around the block a couple of times a day will stimulate your mind and help you feel more grounded.  So whilst going out or being with others is the last thing you feel like doing, just remember if you do the positive things to help depression, like setting yourself small goals, walking in the fresh air for a while each day, or meeting some friends, you may start to feel better and more ‘normal’.

What you ingest plays a big part in how you feel…!  If you are taking drugs, alcohol, living on junk food or starving yourself, your physical health will be affected, which will in turn cause changes to your moods, making it feel as though they are in control of you, rather than the other way round.

I know you might not be bothered about these things, but they affect how you feel.  And if we feel bad it helps to know why…then we can take corrective action!

When we are consumed by anguish, our vision is blocked and distorted. So when facing your darkest moment, remember time changes everything!  Tomorrow could be the day your luck and life improves.  Make the decision to wait a bit longer…just in case!  As the tomorrow, that’s the start of new things to come for you, will soon become today…where today is the day you start encouraging yourself to get life back in good order…today is when you find the answers you’ve been looking for, or the help you so need!  Today is the day when life seems worth living again!

But more than that…I want you to remember this …if you kill yourself, you will never get to find what you’ve been looking for! So all of your pain and suffering would have been for nothing…your life futile…because you did not see it through the tunnel, out into the light, where you reach the part of your experience where you get to reap the rewards for your efforts!

There are so many things I wanted to write in this article, but it would make it too long…too much to take in when you feel as you do! So even though I’ve spent over a week trying to get this article ‘right’, I have to accept I can’t say it all here and I might not say it in the best way. But I hope I’ve conveyed something that will help you believe that whilst there’s so much in life we don’t know about, we have to learn through experience.  And though we may be ready to experience new things, and have to wait until the time is ready for ‘it’ to appear, we still have to take small actions to get us where we need to be. Small steps that lead us out of the tunnel of darkness and despair, and nearer to our goals!

As I’ve matured I’ve learned that the biggest problem I have in my life is me…my attitude, my expectations, my lack of self-confidence…my fear!  We are so frightened of who we think we are!  So instead of berating myself about not being good enough, like I used to, I’m glad I can see personality aspects that make life more difficult for me.  As then I can redesign them to become more profitable instead of destructive. This is good to know, as instead of trying to change other people, when we accept the power we have over ourselves we can change who we are, and create a personality that works for us, not against us!

We have to learn how to be brave…but it’s not always easy!

Life is meant to be an arena where we fight our destructive egotistic tendencies and replace them with love, compassion, trust and hope.  And as we win each battle of wills, we become a little bit stronger, a little wiser, and a bit more confident as life becomes a little easier.  I know this is true…as even though it was desperately hard at my darkest moments, I somehow found the strength inside me and waited for the future…I waited for the good things to come…!  What has changed for the better…?  Me…and my life!

I am so glad I stayed…I really hope you choose to stay too…!

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I named my blog site The War Dance of the Mind and Soul for a reason….because I wanted to be able to speak about the variety of things that cause us so much pain and struggle in life, that in order to survive, we have to find a way to positively resolve.  Getting over the end of an affair definitely causes us huge problems, on every level, and so to survive it’s important to look beyond the affair and our feelings about it, and identify what we need to see because of it!

We don’t have to be lacking anything to embark on the fantasy adventure that an affair offers us.  It can and does occur simply because we feel an attraction for the OP, that we want to take to the next satisfaction level.  However, many people who enter into an affair often say their long-term relationship was unsatisfactory, unfulfilled.  They felt taken for granted, unnoticed, unrewarded, bored!  Their life was in a rut, they didn’t like or love their partner any longer.  They no longer had communication in their relationship! In other words, they wanted more from their lives than what they had!

There are many reasons why people get involved in affairs. We know they cause problems, we know people will get hurt, and yet we still do it – because we think we will find something in our life that’s been missing! We think we have found true love!And whilst the relationship is in action as it unravels it’s possibilities, and we are caught up in the drama and excitement of all that the illicit dance of intimacy evokes, our attention is on how we can get more of what we want, and how we can keep it forever! And thus, avoid returning to the emotional state, whatever it was, before the affair started.

Affairs are not simple things to manage, because there are complicated emotional and mental processes in action, that if not managed in secrecy will create a knock-on effect that could seriously hurt other members of each family involved.  And yet knowing that an affair could cause us or others immense pain, is not always enough to stop us having affairs.  Or hankering after someone we can’t be with, after the actual affair relationship has ended!

There are various stages to an affair that we need to process, because each stage has the opportunity to lead us on a route containing separate stages, that lead to different outcomes. Affairs stimulate a really complicated emotional and mental process, which would take too long to write about here. So to simplify, we’ll call the process stages the beginning, middle and end.

The first beginning stage is filled with exhilarating, exciting moments where we have to look at us and what we’re doing – and decide whether to still ‘do it’ because of how much pain we’re going to create, through our lust-filled deeds and thoughts!  Whereas the middle contains the all-engrossing ‘What If’s..’ that lead us on a merry dance to heaven or hell, and back.  Where we ride the often uncontrollable, roller-coaster of ups and downs, that fear, yearning, sexual impulses, personal satisfaction, and ambivalence can create!

The stage that leads to the end of an affair is less appealing.  Because this is where we have to face the consequences of our actions, and deal with unwanted, negative emotions and impulses, that drive us to make decisions that work against our highest good.  Feelings of being rejected or not good enough, make us prone to pressure from the unrealistic demands of others. Whilst guilt, anxiety and fear, caused because of whom we have hurt, calls for punishment we deem justified, from others, or even via the righteousness of God!

And because we experience that terrible emptiness inside, where the once empty void had been filled, but now the stimulus of the affair has gone is emptying again, we can find it hard to imagine that life will get any better for us in the future. And wonder, with regret, whether the affair was worth getting into at all! But now it’s too late for that!  It’s over and done with.  Been and gone!  But life isn’t back to normal.  In fact whereas before the affair life was sort of chuggling along okay, in it’s own way, nothing in life feels right now!

So what is an affair really about? Say you’ve become involved with someone who you fantasise about, become obsessed with.  You can’t wait to see them, hear their voice; it makes you feel so much better!  You may even have become physically involved with them, where the powerful memories and thoughts associated to sexual drives, feed every sensation in your body and soul! This is soooo powerful!  It’s not surprising that it makes you believe in the impossibilities contained within your secret world!

Everyday life and relationships are put on hold because your attention is on the Other Person – the one who possibly has the key to getting most of your important needs met, maybe forever! They have hardly any faults, they treat you okay.  ‘With a little more time I’ll get them to treat me exactly how I want!’ we gleefully remind ourselves, remembering how ?? doesn’t.

We make everything sound so simple, or complicated, as we erroneously contemplate that our life would be complete (or so much better) if we were with this person who has so much that we want.  We’ve known them for such a short time, yet they know us, see us, accept us in a way that no-one else has – so it must be right mustn’t it?  ‘We can tell each other anything!’, ‘We communicate on every level!’. ‘How can something so good be wrong?’ we say!  ‘Other people could get hurt, of course they could. But isn’t my happiness worth fighting for?’ we ask ourselves.  ‘Don’t I deserve to have some of what I want in my life, regardless of how ?? feels about it?’.  ‘I’ve done this for ?? for years, now it’s my time to have what I want!’.

Our mind, being the dream machine in action, will try to convince us more…‘And if I don’t have the OP in my life to give me what I’m missing, where else am I going to find a way to feel as I do, when I think about them?  The hopes, dreams, fantasies that fill my mind!  These things make me feel good on one level, yet bad on another.  They make me confused of course, but I can deal with that. As there’s this thread of a dream that is still alive … if only I can hold on to it. If only the OP would want me as I want them, if only I/they weren’t married to ??, then we could be together.  And unlike the ?? relationship, I know we would make this one work, and our life would be perfect (after we’ve sorted out all the crap that goes with long-term relationship breakdown of course)!’.

Fantasy thinking can make us feel great! But this is all it is usually…fantasy thinking that leads us to believe in the unlikely possibility that we can get what our ego desires! And when the reality of the situation hits, which it inevitably does, we’re not ready to deal with the fallout, and it’s often us who gets hurt the most. Because we know we can’t undo our past actions, wind the clock back, go back to where we were originally, before we met the OP!  Thus we increase our suffering, because we don’t know how to deal with our future!

When any relationship ends we enter various levels of the grief process.  This means that for a time, because we have broken dreams, we may feel sad, bad, unhappy, and could be plagued with feelings of regret, shame, anxiety, guilt and fear, that overwhelm our capacity to settle back into our relationship with ?? and life! Also, when an affair ends we mistakenly believe that should be the end of the matter – but it isn’t!  How could it be when something that feels so good has entered our lives and then left? We can’t help but wonder if we’ve failed yet again, can we? Thus our reactive self-protective nature steps up it’s need to prove it is safe and worthy, causing us even more problems!

Because so many thoughts, emotions and memories have been stimulated, they now have to be processed!  For if they’re not, we won’t be able to let go of conceived ideals about us, our life, the affair relationship, and our future, and it will make our recovery more difficult!  As regardless of who, what, why, if we’ve been involved with someone who makes us feel something good, that we’ve not felt before, or for a long time, we have to be aware that regardless of what we believe about them, this other person does not hold the secrets to our life that will make us forever happy. Nor do they have the power to make our life complete!

So this is probably the most important part of any affair… When it ends, as it usually does….HOW DO WE RECOGNISE THE SPARK OF LOVE AND LIFE THAT HAS BEEN AWAKENED WITHIN US – AND FIND A WAY TO NURTURE IT FOR OURSELVES!

When our passion for life has subsided, there’s little to stimulate the exhilarating feelings that new creative challenges can provide for us.  So when we engage with an OP, who pushes the buttons that wake us up and bring us back to life, it feels great!! It feels like THEY are the powerful ones who have made us want to live again.  But they aren’t – they haven’t!  All they did was to help us recognise that we wanted more!  But we’d become complacent!  We didn’t know how to get more!  We didn’t even know that we needed more, as we thought we were happy!  We thought we were coping inside! But meeting them made us see that we weren’t!  We were just slumbering within the mundane habits that we’d created our life around!

So the crux of getting over an affair seems to be about finding a better way to manage yourself and life, in such a way that is stimulating, filled with new challenges, has plenty of opportunities for you to meet new people and excel in what you enjoy doing!  This means instead of constantly thinking about the OP and what you are missing about them, or reminiscing about opportunities that might have been if you were still with them, you make the real effort to refocus your thinking, and concentrate on you, your life, your actions, and your future dreams!

And whilst you are getting over the end of an affair, although you are thrust back into the old world, with the old ways and the old partner, things don’t have to be the same as before do they?  For if nothing changes within that relationship, you will continue to experience the same feelings as before! As whilst guilt and fear will motivate different responses between you, they are not always enough to light your light!  Only you can do that by actions you take, that help you find peace in your awakening heart and troubled mind!

Please be aware that when an affair ends, your life starts something new!  There has been a part of your soul that has been awakened to love (or lust).  Doesn’t matter which really, as they are both very creative!  If you had not met the OP this part of your soul may not have awakened.  But now it has, it is your responsibility alone to make sure that you nurture it.  Help it to grow!  Remember how you felt inside during the early stages of the affair.  Remember the excitement, the surge of energy, the optimism, hope and new-found ability to dream creatively.  This is yours to keep and use to your best advantage!  And it can be found in other ways rather than using an affair!

Helping your soul to flourish, by discovering a better way to stimulate your inner happiness, is part of our life’s work!  We need other people to help us identify what we need.  They cannot always provide it for us, but they can show us there is another way!  If your life isn’t happy, rather than looking at others to fix you, look at you and what actions you are or aren’t taking, that could make your life feel better or worse! It takes a lot of strength and courage to pull ourselves out of the self-created rut, we inadvertently create as our life! You have this strength.  You have the courage! You can change your life for the better!

So, if you are still suffering because you have been struggling to come to terms with Getting Over The End of an Affair, instead of thinking about the OP, start thinking about what you need to do now, that will lock into the passion, your passion, that was stimulated by the OP.  Make that your new project that you can think and dream about!  Anything creative will use the same energy!  Writing, singing, reading, dancing, talking, teaching, painting, playing musical instruments, exercise, writing a journal, meditation, learning new skills, re-decorating, starting a new project, etc.

If you think more constructively about your own life, there’s so much you can do! And when you take action that necessitates you making the effort to get a consequential reward/outcome, you will evoke the emotional satisfaction that makes you feel good, and encourage you to believe that you can achieve more than you have before!

Affairs touch our heart for a valid reason!  To help us grow, to learn, to change who we have become!

Please don’t let your affair destroy your life or your Soul!

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I’ve been feeling in a quandary for a long time about my lack of ability to focus on me, my work, and earning money that would make my life a whole lot easier.  I know responsibilities I have toward vulnerable members of my family don’t take ALL my time and energy.  At least they don’t need to!  But there’s still the issue of where I put my attention when I’m alone at home!  Do I think about my stuff and what I need to do about it, or do I continue to worry about other’s problems, feelings and needs, and concentrate on how I can best help them feel better! It is usually the latter, I’m afraid to say!  But this way of living isn’t working any more for me.  Something has to change – and quickly!

Life is about ebbs and flows of intensity it seems, and this week for me has culminated in being a time of extreme emotional discomfort, as my problems magnified my emotional intensity, irritating panic, and need to find the answers that will take my life off of the ‘PAUSE’ button – at least for a time!

I am assertive and can usually ask for what I want and need!  But lately I’ve felt my internal power reducing, my confidence weakening even further!  ‘For Gods sake, how much lower have I got to go before I see what I’ve got to do, what I’ve got to change’ I cried in frustration, as I could still feel the nausea in my solar plexus, that I’d been feeling for the past four days!  ‘Why won’t I let myself sort me out?’!

I’ve been taking a remedy given to me by my friend Gary Johnson, an expert in Cellular Vibrational Therapy (http://www.garyjohnson.org.uk/gary-johnson), after I’d asked him for help a couple of weeks ago.  So I realised that as his powerful remedies always work on really deep issues, the emotional intensity I was experiencing was probably caused by the remedy, pushing the energy of those issues to the surface, to be released!  Because I like to understand what’s happening to my energetic system, I usually try to work with the remedy and identify how I’m feeling and why, and if there’s anything I need to do to help myself further!  This time was no different, so because I’ve felt so intense, I’ve dedicated this morning to me, and decided to meditate in order to intuitively find some answers!

As I meditated I was interested to see my Sister of Mercy appear.  She normally carries a very large folder containing loads of loose papers, but this time the folder was much thinner, with just a few sheets of paper remaining.  I’m always working on my progress, one way or another, not always with obvious results I would add!  Thus it became apparent that whilst I’d been feeling so frustrated, because I thought I wasn’t moving forward; on an energetic spiritual level I’d actually got rid of old baggage (represented by the reduction of the huge file).  This made me feel better immediately, as now I know I’ve not just been wasting my time!  Then she showed me a page which said simply…’Chrissie Batten – The Psychicologist’!  Strange – I’ve never heard the word ‘psycicologist’ before, but I’ll definitely give it some thought!

Feeling more relaxed I placed my attention on to why I felt so stuck.  There’s always a logical reason for everything we do, often hidden deep in our unconscious mind. So as I needed to find the internal reasoning that was ultimately blocking me from living my own life, I asked myself… why wasn’t I meeting my needs?  Why did I consider other people as priority over my life?  As my mind started to wander along recent memories of family members I’d been helping, who I worried so much about, I started to get echoes of the past, to the time of my father, who died in 1976.

It might help you understand if I provide a bit of background info!  My parents separated in 1975, after he had a ten-year on/off affair with the office secretary. The shame of this event at that time felt really bad, and my mother was filled with toxic emotion that had no-where to go, as there was no such thing as ‘counsellors’ then!  What could she do?  So when she’d had enough of the lies, deceit, being made to feel bad about herself and life, she gave him the ultimatum! They’d been married over forty years, yet he chose the other woman over her, even though he’d promised to stop the affair many times!

Anyone whose parents have split, will understand the pain and turmoil that happens to children who are caught in the middle, who get pulled emotionally in so many different directions. As regardless of how much we try to stay out of it, or protect them from it, we can’t!  I was twenty-eight at the time, married with one child.  But it still like felt my world had fallen apart!  When my own marriage failed in 1999, I was very aware that my adult children would suffer as much as I did.  And although I knew I’d made the right decision for me at the time, I deeply regretted that this had to happen to them!

Anyway, back to dad!  When affairs occur, there’s also an element of wishful thinking, such as ‘If only we could find a way to be together all of the time’ which dulls the reality of common sense! The OW had children, and also a child by my father.  So when dad moved in with the OW he spent what little money he had on replacing her washing machine, fridge, cooker, buying stuff for her and the kids (he wouldn’t spend anything on my mum).  But soon there were problems!  Who can escape them?  The husband wanted her back, started trying to woo her in various ways, and kept pressurising her to throw my dad out of their house.

Although my dad no longer had contact with my mum, he used to visit me regularly.  One day, when he was eating dinner, he started crying.  I’d only ever seen him cry once before, when I was about nine, after our pet dog had been put to sleep. So it sort of startled me, to see him sobbing in front of me.  When I asked him why he was crying, he said it was all about the split-up and the problems he was having because of the OW and her husband!  ‘But I thought it was what you wanted’ I exclaimed to him, not fully understanding, in my naivety, why he was crying about getting something he wanted!

He thought he needed money to keep the OW, but he didn’t have any – he’d already spent what he did have on her.  We’ve never been a rich family, and the truth is money has always been tight!  So I never had any spare cash I could give him!  I had £2 left in my purse, and told him he could take that.  But he said it wasn’t enough! As now he didn’t have enough work as a driving instructor to ‘buy’ her, she wanted him to leave.  He’d told her ‘The only way you’ll get me out of here is in a box!’.

He was my dad, and it hurt to see him in so much turmoil.  Him and mum had only been separated for three months, yet it felt much longer! I was also in turmoil, as I wanted to tell him to go back to mum.  She’d forgive him!  I knew she would, because although she was so angry because of what he did, she still loved him! But he’d mucked us all about for ten years, he’d made his choice, now he would have to deal with it!  I didn’t tell him this though!  I just gave him a cuddle, and said it would probably take a bit more time for it all to sort itself out!

When he rang the next week on Thursday to ask if he could come over that afternoon, I was busy with some school stuff!  So I said I’d see him the next day, Friday, when I’d cook him a nice dinner.  I asked if he was okay, he said he was!  That night, at 11.30 pm, I was on the phone to my mother. As we lived twenty miles apart, we had late night chats!  Whilst we were talking I felt worried when I heard her doorbell ring!  ‘Be careful mum’ I said to her, ‘ask who it is, before you open the door’!  I listened on the other end of the phone, tensely waiting, wondering why someone would be calling so late!  I pictured my mum opening the street door, hearing the door open.  There was the sound of low voices before I heard my mum making a sound I couldn’t make out.  She came back on the phone and said ‘I’ll call you back in a minute’, before slamming the phone down on the receiver!

Have you ever had that terrible feeling of being absolutely powerless in a crisis?  Well that’s what I felt then! I knew it must be something serious because of the late night visit.  But from whom? My mind started to race in fear. Twenty minutes later I apprehensively rang my mum, when she told me that it was the OW at the door, with the police.  ‘Tony (my dad) had taken an ‘overdose’, the OW had said.  ‘He was dead!’.

Actually, it didn’t take an overdose to kill him!  He used cyanide, where just a couple of granules is lethal!

So he’d thought about it, planned it, even spoke about it!  Yet no-one had heard him!  There was an inquest, where a letter was produced, that he had written to Marjorie Proops.  She was a famous Agony Aunt of that time, on T.V. and radio, and used to write in newspapers and magazines.  In the letter he spoke of his pain and confusion, and fear of being rejected by the OW.  But he never posted the letter – it was in his jacket pocket!  However, Marjorie Proops did get to hear of it, and replied through the media, where as she spoke of the letter and it’s contents, she wrote something like… ‘This poor man had no-one to turn to for help when he needed it most’.  Which infuriated me at the time, because he did have someone.  He had his wife and family.  He had me!  So why couldn’t I have stopped him from doing what he did?  Why didn’t he tell me how bad he felt?  Why didn’t I realise he was so depressed and desperate?

The dysfunction thinking that ‘If only…’ statements create, abounded at the time… and since…

*If only I’d seen how unhappy he was, I might have been able to talk him into going back to mum!

*If only I’d intervened somehow, and made sure he and mum stayed together!

*If only I’d know what he was planning I might have been able to get him some help!

*If only I’d had more time, and could have done more for him!

*If only I’d not said no, when he asked to visit me that day, he might still be alive!

*If only he hadn’t killed himself, I would not be feeling so bad!

So there it was…the reason why I find it so hard to refuse help to those in crisis!  My fear that I was somehow responsible for his death!  And the fear that only overwhelming emotional pain can manifest, that I was afraid I would not be able to cope with it again!

Logically I can say that I wasn’t responsible for what he did – how could I be?  But deep down I wonder whether, if he had visited me that day, he might have been able to express his intent, as a cry for the help he so desperately needed.  I also wonder whether the reason why he wanted to visit that day was to ask for help, or to say goodbye?

I was probably the last person he spoke to!  …But he died feeling unloved!  …But we all still loved him so much!!

This has been a powerful realisation for me today!  I knew I had these thoughts of regret and guilt locked away deep inside my mind and heart, and have often worked on them in the past.  He committed suicide over thirty years ago. But there were residues left, that were enough to create the preventative logic that I created as a consequence of my father’s suicide, and which goes something like this….

….‘I must stop people feeling too overwhelmed, in case they can’t cope and kill themselves, or become ill and die(other childhood issues created this)..BECAUSE…I can’t cope with this (loss) happening again!’.

Deep rooted fears can, given time, often present as a self-fulfilling prophecy! This almost did, whilst I contemplated my own demise, which I may write about another time!  But for now I have more self-healing to do, by monitoring my motivations, thoughts and ensuring I walk the right pathway for me .  And now that I understand the reasons why my personal logic was so protective toward others, in order to protect me from suffering further, I feel more able to take appropriate, corrective action, and say ‘No, I can’t do it today!’ when necessary.  But it’s not going to be easy, as even as I write this I can feel the panic rise when I make that simple statement!

Small steps in the right direction though, eh! Better get another remedy ready Gary…!!

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