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Posts Tagged ‘Breakdown’

I’m sure I’m not the only person asking themselves ‘Who Am I?’ at this moment in time, where as the pressure of futility increases, due to Christmas being just around the corner, we wonder what’s happened to our life.  How did we end up where we are?  As regardless of how hard we’ve tried to change or how much cutting-back we’ve done, lack of money and ever-increasing bills to pay, is still causing problems for so many, including me.  And although we may use relaxation and self-help techniques to help us cope with our rising stress, we are still highly stressed, because of the way we feel about us, our life, and our future!

To be honest, it feels like things will never change, and they could even get worse, as there’s no signs of improvement to global financial problems that affect each of us.  And to top it all, we’ve got ascension energy pushing and shoving us into emotional and mental places we’ve tried to avoid, in order to release latent emotional energy that we’ve held on to for too long. Causing frightening physical symptoms that worry us even more!

Wowee!! … What a ride, as internal and external pressure  causes havoc to our energy! And regardless of whether you believe in all of this energetic stuff or not, the pressure is still really intense!!

However, whilst our human problems appear so overwhelming to us, we should realise that our problems are not the main issue here.  As planetary, energetic, and spiritual influences are affecting us also, where there is a merging of elements taking place that will create significant changes to our future.  With an ultimate transformational purpose that is designed to protect us from self-destruction. Hard to believe?  Yes of course it is!  But how do we know it’s not true?

My guidance tells me it’s about ‘Healing the heart of man’, and that helps me to realise that change will be a good thing for us.  Yet I find it incredible that this is the time when evolutionary changes manifest, that will eventually change our lives forever! So many of our ancestors have been wiped out in the past, during this process.  Is this REALLY the time when we do it differently?  Where we change before it’s too late! What an amazing thought that is!!

I often wonder about our future, and the world as it may be someday.  It’s hard to imagine the new, prophesised world, where love and compassion are the fierce energetic prompts that guide our thoughts, feelings and actions. We’ve all been hurt so much by each other, throughout our existence, that we’ve been conditioned to accept pain as an inevitability of life.  But this is not how it should be!  And yet if this is all we’ve known, or remember, then how can we know how to create the necessary changes that will sustain life and happiness, instead of destroying it? But maybe this responsibility doesn’t fall just on our shoulders.  Maybe there is a higher universal intelligence that can help us do what we need to do!

I’ve communicated with the Sirian High Council, the Pleidian Elders, Lemurians and Atlanteans, as well as others.  I’ve also communicated with God energy, angels, guides, entities etc.  But how do I know these are true and real, as they are in my mind?  How do I know I’m not insane when I converse with these beings from afar?  And yet their influences have helped me so much, to understand how to survive this world!  So I believe there is help from these sources!  And yet it doesn’t really matter whether I believe in them or not does it?

As regardless of our circumstances, and who we are, one thing is for certain.  We’re already changing – we are not the people we once were.  Our life is different, our ambitions are different, and our future is not the one we were planning on. So because we’ve lost the ‘old picture’ we had created in our mind, about who and what we would become, it can feel as though we’ve lost our identity, or we are dying.  When the reality is that we’ve lost sight of who we are, because we, as we once were, are no more! And believe it or not, this is a good thing!

Basically what’s happened is that because we’ve had no option other than confront or control our rising fear, caused because of external to us circumstances, we have broken through the protective barrier that the ego had created.  Which kept us isolated, small, defensive and afraid.  We were reactive to a lot of things, but now we know, from our futile experiences of over-reacting, that when the tables are turned against us, we should and can stand steady and strong.  Knowing that in time, somehow, we will find the answers we need, the strength we lack, and the motivation to move ourselves beyond our stuck points, to a more comfortable life position. In other words, instead of running with our fear, we learn to trust that we can help ourselves in better ways!

It’s common knowledge that the Mayan calendar ends soon, which because of our linear thinking leaves us fearing the worst.  But now, because something is ending and we can’t see the beginning of anything new, we get anxious, feel vulnerable and start to panic about what’s going to happen to us and our world! There are those who foretell disasters, doom and gloom – even the end of the world!  But I don’t believe any of that, although the world as we know it will undoubtedly change, which could be symbolised as an ending.  Not before time I would add, as I know there has to be a better way to live our life, than the way most of us live now, where we struggle to survive against the turning tides of those in power, who have brought us to our knees.

But guess what!  We are stronger than they think!  We are braver than they anticipated!  And our heart and soul is getting ready to challenge those who want to keep us frozen in fear!  We want our life back, we want to be free not only from our anxiety and worry, and politics that squeeze the breath out of us.  But mostly we want to be free from our own fear, because we now know that this is the thing that upsets us the most.  And because we are human, we will make it happen eventually, now that we are starting to accept that we have the power to change how we feel – at will! (This is true by the way!).

Many foretell of a new energy reaching earth, that will take us on to a different dimensional level of being.  Which as a consequence of existing within a higher vibration, will enable us to become more intuitive.  We will be able to see the truth of life, and value what really matters.  There are many thousands, if not millions of people who have already reached this level, because they’ve spent their time developing their Selves, pursuing peace instead of conflict, freedom instead of control! But there’s many more who still have work to do in this area, if they want their life to improve! Where the choice at the moment is ours – live in fear, or find a way to manage and disperse any fearful prompts that disrupt our energetic balance.

When we’re afraid, we look for solutions to our problems and often fail to recognise that life is becoming a prison of misery. As when we feel deprived of what we need, over a long period of time, we can end up believing we don’t deserve anything other than what we’ve got.  We lose our confidence, our drive to succeed, our dreams and aspirations!  And we forget who we are, as we believe we are nothing!  Our energy is low, we lack enthusiasm, we get depressed, angry and upset, because we lose hope that things will ever change for us!

If what I’m describing seems familiar to you, then I know you have suffered like I have!  I’ve tried for many years to work out the best way to live, to survive financial, emotional and mental crisis!  I’ve also had quite a few traumatic spiritual experiences as well, but that story can wait for another day, for now!  The point is our suffering was not for nothing!  It was all about the energetic transformation process that is happening now!

About nine  years ago, whilst I was laying in bed one night, I saw an image of the earth in my room, in front of my window.  Regardless of whether my eyes were closed or open, the green and mauve image remained. I wondered if I was dreaming or becoming psychotic, and so pinched myself, stood up and went out of the room, returned and sat on the bed.  The image was still there!  As I watched with bated breath, not knowing what was going to happen next, fire started to rise at the back of the earth, flames burning high, spreading all around it.  I was scared and didn’t know what this meant, but knew I had to keep watching as the flames engulfed the earth!

Shortly after that, as the flames started to die down, another image appeared underneath the burning earth.  This highly coloured scene showed people rejoicing, dancing, clapping.  People were happy!  And as I tried to make sense of this vision, I remembered the violet flame of transmutation and so felt that this was a sort of re-assurance, that once I’d changed my life, I would be happy.  The images disappeared, but I’ve never forgotten them!

Over the last few weeks I’ve been thinking a lot about this experience and it’s relevance to now.  At the time I thought it was just about me and my life.  Now I’m wondering if this vision was not just about preparing me for the future, but letting me know this is about all humanity.  That once we are destroyed egotistically, we are reborn into the future of our dreams!

Although hard, and though it may feel impossible at times, we have to allow ourselves to change, to fall, to rise, to grow!  We can’t do this when we are safe, so it’s okay to be afraid when faced with change, as we have to feel our fear, we have to confront our demons and let them go, because a re-birth is about to happen, and we need to be ready to step into a new human role that corrects our problems rather than causing them!

There’s talk about a miraculous ‘Second Coming’, of someone whom we could trust to lead us out of the darkness.  But if we still don’t recognise our true power of creation, this blind faith would simply lead us right back into the transformational fire we’re trying to escape from!  Following those in power is not the answer – we should know that by now, shouldn’t we? They are the ones who got us in this shit in the first place!  Now we, WE, have to motivate ourselves to stand up, take responsibility for our creative yet destructive power, and lead ourselves to a better, different life!

There is no quick, simple, panacea for doing this successfully at the moment!  I only wish it was that easy! It takes courage to not run away from our fear, and perseverance, patience to come through our bad times!  But come through them we must, and will – just like my vision all those years ago!  Where even though we can’t see the bigger picture, we must trust that a safe, loving, happy world is there, and that we will get the chance to enjoy it in this lifetime!

I know now that each experience that made me afraid has been for a reason!  I wanted to be comfortable, feel safe and content.  My soul knew otherwise though!  It had a job to do, to keep me on my toes, to allow myself to fragment, to break into small pieces that I could choose to discard during my emotional and mental recovery!  My soul has nudged me on my pathway, when I felt so abandoned and alone.  Where many times, as my stability crashed, so did I!

So when I ask myself now ‘Who am I?’, I can answer, without fear….I am Chrissie Batten, I have a soul, a will, courage, strength (although I don’t always feel it).  And I have a fragmented ego, that has lost it’s power over me, meaning I am in control of me.  Mmmm…well, that’s not totally true yet, but I’m starting to have hope that things will change!

Yes, I’ve got hope for me – no aspirations mind, or clear visions for the future. Just a little hope and trust that all is meant to be as it is, for a really good reason – to preserve human life, to have peace in our minds and heart.  To be loved and to love, and to be glad to be alive!

What about you though…regardless of how you were in the past, who are you now?  When you ask yourself ‘Who am I?’, what answers come from your heart?  What answers come from your mind?  How have you changed? Look closely through an open mind, and I’m sure you will find you’ve come a lot further than you thought!

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I’ve been feeling in a quandary for a long time about my lack of ability to focus on me, my work, and earning money that would make my life a whole lot easier.  I know responsibilities I have toward vulnerable members of my family don’t take ALL my time and energy.  At least they don’t need to!  But there’s still the issue of where I put my attention when I’m alone at home!  Do I think about my stuff and what I need to do about it, or do I continue to worry about other’s problems, feelings and needs, and concentrate on how I can best help them feel better! It is usually the latter, I’m afraid to say!  But this way of living isn’t working any more for me.  Something has to change – and quickly!

Life is about ebbs and flows of intensity it seems, and this week for me has culminated in being a time of extreme emotional discomfort, as my problems magnified my emotional intensity, irritating panic, and need to find the answers that will take my life off of the ‘PAUSE’ button – at least for a time!

I am assertive and can usually ask for what I want and need!  But lately I’ve felt my internal power reducing, my confidence weakening even further!  ‘For Gods sake, how much lower have I got to go before I see what I’ve got to do, what I’ve got to change’ I cried in frustration, as I could still feel the nausea in my solar plexus, that I’d been feeling for the past four days!  ‘Why won’t I let myself sort me out?’!

I’ve been taking a remedy given to me by my friend Gary Johnson, an expert in Cellular Vibrational Therapy (http://www.garyjohnson.org.uk/gary-johnson), after I’d asked him for help a couple of weeks ago.  So I realised that as his powerful remedies always work on really deep issues, the emotional intensity I was experiencing was probably caused by the remedy, pushing the energy of those issues to the surface, to be released!  Because I like to understand what’s happening to my energetic system, I usually try to work with the remedy and identify how I’m feeling and why, and if there’s anything I need to do to help myself further!  This time was no different, so because I’ve felt so intense, I’ve dedicated this morning to me, and decided to meditate in order to intuitively find some answers!

As I meditated I was interested to see my Sister of Mercy appear.  She normally carries a very large folder containing loads of loose papers, but this time the folder was much thinner, with just a few sheets of paper remaining.  I’m always working on my progress, one way or another, not always with obvious results I would add!  Thus it became apparent that whilst I’d been feeling so frustrated, because I thought I wasn’t moving forward; on an energetic spiritual level I’d actually got rid of old baggage (represented by the reduction of the huge file).  This made me feel better immediately, as now I know I’ve not just been wasting my time!  Then she showed me a page which said simply…’Chrissie Batten – The Psychicologist’!  Strange – I’ve never heard the word ‘psycicologist’ before, but I’ll definitely give it some thought!

Feeling more relaxed I placed my attention on to why I felt so stuck.  There’s always a logical reason for everything we do, often hidden deep in our unconscious mind. So as I needed to find the internal reasoning that was ultimately blocking me from living my own life, I asked myself… why wasn’t I meeting my needs?  Why did I consider other people as priority over my life?  As my mind started to wander along recent memories of family members I’d been helping, who I worried so much about, I started to get echoes of the past, to the time of my father, who died in 1976.

It might help you understand if I provide a bit of background info!  My parents separated in 1975, after he had a ten-year on/off affair with the office secretary. The shame of this event at that time felt really bad, and my mother was filled with toxic emotion that had no-where to go, as there was no such thing as ‘counsellors’ then!  What could she do?  So when she’d had enough of the lies, deceit, being made to feel bad about herself and life, she gave him the ultimatum! They’d been married over forty years, yet he chose the other woman over her, even though he’d promised to stop the affair many times!

Anyone whose parents have split, will understand the pain and turmoil that happens to children who are caught in the middle, who get pulled emotionally in so many different directions. As regardless of how much we try to stay out of it, or protect them from it, we can’t!  I was twenty-eight at the time, married with one child.  But it still like felt my world had fallen apart!  When my own marriage failed in 1999, I was very aware that my adult children would suffer as much as I did.  And although I knew I’d made the right decision for me at the time, I deeply regretted that this had to happen to them!

Anyway, back to dad!  When affairs occur, there’s also an element of wishful thinking, such as ‘If only we could find a way to be together all of the time’ which dulls the reality of common sense! The OW had children, and also a child by my father.  So when dad moved in with the OW he spent what little money he had on replacing her washing machine, fridge, cooker, buying stuff for her and the kids (he wouldn’t spend anything on my mum).  But soon there were problems!  Who can escape them?  The husband wanted her back, started trying to woo her in various ways, and kept pressurising her to throw my dad out of their house.

Although my dad no longer had contact with my mum, he used to visit me regularly.  One day, when he was eating dinner, he started crying.  I’d only ever seen him cry once before, when I was about nine, after our pet dog had been put to sleep. So it sort of startled me, to see him sobbing in front of me.  When I asked him why he was crying, he said it was all about the split-up and the problems he was having because of the OW and her husband!  ‘But I thought it was what you wanted’ I exclaimed to him, not fully understanding, in my naivety, why he was crying about getting something he wanted!

He thought he needed money to keep the OW, but he didn’t have any – he’d already spent what he did have on her.  We’ve never been a rich family, and the truth is money has always been tight!  So I never had any spare cash I could give him!  I had £2 left in my purse, and told him he could take that.  But he said it wasn’t enough! As now he didn’t have enough work as a driving instructor to ‘buy’ her, she wanted him to leave.  He’d told her ‘The only way you’ll get me out of here is in a box!’.

He was my dad, and it hurt to see him in so much turmoil.  Him and mum had only been separated for three months, yet it felt much longer! I was also in turmoil, as I wanted to tell him to go back to mum.  She’d forgive him!  I knew she would, because although she was so angry because of what he did, she still loved him! But he’d mucked us all about for ten years, he’d made his choice, now he would have to deal with it!  I didn’t tell him this though!  I just gave him a cuddle, and said it would probably take a bit more time for it all to sort itself out!

When he rang the next week on Thursday to ask if he could come over that afternoon, I was busy with some school stuff!  So I said I’d see him the next day, Friday, when I’d cook him a nice dinner.  I asked if he was okay, he said he was!  That night, at 11.30 pm, I was on the phone to my mother. As we lived twenty miles apart, we had late night chats!  Whilst we were talking I felt worried when I heard her doorbell ring!  ‘Be careful mum’ I said to her, ‘ask who it is, before you open the door’!  I listened on the other end of the phone, tensely waiting, wondering why someone would be calling so late!  I pictured my mum opening the street door, hearing the door open.  There was the sound of low voices before I heard my mum making a sound I couldn’t make out.  She came back on the phone and said ‘I’ll call you back in a minute’, before slamming the phone down on the receiver!

Have you ever had that terrible feeling of being absolutely powerless in a crisis?  Well that’s what I felt then! I knew it must be something serious because of the late night visit.  But from whom? My mind started to race in fear. Twenty minutes later I apprehensively rang my mum, when she told me that it was the OW at the door, with the police.  ‘Tony (my dad) had taken an ‘overdose’, the OW had said.  ‘He was dead!’.

Actually, it didn’t take an overdose to kill him!  He used cyanide, where just a couple of granules is lethal!

So he’d thought about it, planned it, even spoke about it!  Yet no-one had heard him!  There was an inquest, where a letter was produced, that he had written to Marjorie Proops.  She was a famous Agony Aunt of that time, on T.V. and radio, and used to write in newspapers and magazines.  In the letter he spoke of his pain and confusion, and fear of being rejected by the OW.  But he never posted the letter – it was in his jacket pocket!  However, Marjorie Proops did get to hear of it, and replied through the media, where as she spoke of the letter and it’s contents, she wrote something like… ‘This poor man had no-one to turn to for help when he needed it most’.  Which infuriated me at the time, because he did have someone.  He had his wife and family.  He had me!  So why couldn’t I have stopped him from doing what he did?  Why didn’t he tell me how bad he felt?  Why didn’t I realise he was so depressed and desperate?

The dysfunction thinking that ‘If only…’ statements create, abounded at the time… and since…

*If only I’d seen how unhappy he was, I might have been able to talk him into going back to mum!

*If only I’d intervened somehow, and made sure he and mum stayed together!

*If only I’d know what he was planning I might have been able to get him some help!

*If only I’d had more time, and could have done more for him!

*If only I’d not said no, when he asked to visit me that day, he might still be alive!

*If only he hadn’t killed himself, I would not be feeling so bad!

So there it was…the reason why I find it so hard to refuse help to those in crisis!  My fear that I was somehow responsible for his death!  And the fear that only overwhelming emotional pain can manifest, that I was afraid I would not be able to cope with it again!

Logically I can say that I wasn’t responsible for what he did – how could I be?  But deep down I wonder whether, if he had visited me that day, he might have been able to express his intent, as a cry for the help he so desperately needed.  I also wonder whether the reason why he wanted to visit that day was to ask for help, or to say goodbye?

I was probably the last person he spoke to!  …But he died feeling unloved!  …But we all still loved him so much!!

This has been a powerful realisation for me today!  I knew I had these thoughts of regret and guilt locked away deep inside my mind and heart, and have often worked on them in the past.  He committed suicide over thirty years ago. But there were residues left, that were enough to create the preventative logic that I created as a consequence of my father’s suicide, and which goes something like this….

….‘I must stop people feeling too overwhelmed, in case they can’t cope and kill themselves, or become ill and die(other childhood issues created this)..BECAUSE…I can’t cope with this (loss) happening again!’.

Deep rooted fears can, given time, often present as a self-fulfilling prophecy! This almost did, whilst I contemplated my own demise, which I may write about another time!  But for now I have more self-healing to do, by monitoring my motivations, thoughts and ensuring I walk the right pathway for me .  And now that I understand the reasons why my personal logic was so protective toward others, in order to protect me from suffering further, I feel more able to take appropriate, corrective action, and say ‘No, I can’t do it today!’ when necessary.  But it’s not going to be easy, as even as I write this I can feel the panic rise when I make that simple statement!

Small steps in the right direction though, eh! Better get another remedy ready Gary…!!

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There’s so many people suffering with anxiety and depression at the moment, who believe they are powerless to change what’s happening to them.  Their mind and emotions fill their whole being with dread and fearful thoughts, panic, and emotional rushes of irrational terror, that appears to have a valid cause, creating even more fear thoughts and feelings.

The most obvious option, when we’re feeling overwhelmed by ourselves, is to visit our doctor.  But whilst prescribed drugs may appear to be the easy answer to ‘curing our malady’, the consequences of drug addiction and side effects paint a more disturbing picture, that can dramatically increase our suffering! And whilst we would do ANYTHING to find a way to feel better, we must remember that even though we’re not thinking straight, we can still think.  We can still make decisions, albeit with help!  We still have choices!  We still have our personal power!  We can still help ourselves! And whilst all of these things may be temporarily disabled by our dark mind, our light mind is still there, waiting to return us back to full awareness!

I have suffered with depression all of my life! YES, even as a young child!  I’ve had breakdowns, agoraphobia, eating disorders, obsessive compulsive disorders.  Oh dear, that makes me sound so weak, sad, needy and wrong (residues of old programming).  And as I write this and say what I have, I feel the shame still sitting in my stomach.  The shame that I couldn’t cope!  The shame that I thought I was mentally insane!  The shame that I was not strong enough to cope with me!

I have battled with my mind and emotions for as long as I can remember, and I know what it’s like when you feel as though you have lost control of your mind, your life, your future!  It is ABSOLUTELY… FUCKING… TERRIFYING!!!

But, even though you feel terrified, scared, despairing, alone, futile, worthless and powerless – YOU ARE NOT going to remain this way!  All of these feelings are created because your mind is low (simple term for serotonin imbalance/ low vibration mind creations/lack of confidence).  So whilst they may be true of the moment, because that’s how it feels, there is usually SOMETHING we can do to help ourselves in some way!

There are different types and levels of depression, with different causes, which I won’t go into here.  As my point of writing is to let you know what made the biggest differences to me, during my worst times!

The whole point of depression is to create change to our lives!  It helps to understand this! But once we enter into it, we have to work our way out by doing the things we’ve been putting off prior to feeling unwell – like doing things that are good for us, make us feel happy, reduce our stress, support our physical, emotional and mental well-being!

Be aware that everything that is happening is of an energetic nature. When we’re depressed we’re caught up in negative energy vibrations, which won’t release until we deliberately introduce positive energetic elements into our life.  Positive and Negative energetic forces are as strong as each other.  What matters is where we place our energetic attention.  If we constantly focus on how bad we feel, we will attract more negativity into our lives, which means more negative thinking and feeling.  And even though it feels the hardest thing in the world to do when we are feeling so bad, refraining from keep talking about how bad we feel, and using positive thoughts as affirmations, are the easiest ways to introduce a doorway to the light into our darkened world!

You don’t have to believe affirmations when you say them initially. Just use the words to open the door to the light! Every morning and any time I felt overwhelmed I’d say ‘All is well in my world.  I am feeling healthier and better each day!’. Of course I didn’t believe this statement, as I felt so bad all the time. And to be honest, even though I know what I know about spirit, energy, life, me, I didn’t believe anything could help me to feel better! But after a while I noticed how this thought seemed to stop the fear thoughts that were trying to surface!  Eventually as I became more convinced that small improvements to my mood were appearing, and thus used the statements with intent to create a better and healthier me, I created a new neural pathway that I could use to escape the compulsive rise in terror, panic and anxiety!

Don’t believe your thoughts when feeling depressed. These type of thoughts tell us lies, unless they are positively driven to healing and aiding your recovery! Our ego-driven fear wants us to stay weak so it can stay strong! Accept that you’re not well, your thoughts are not accurate at this time, and resist the urge to get carried along on the platform of panic, that constantly tries to knock you off your feet!

When we get surges of anxiety and panic it’s better to let them rise and pass by saying ‘I allow these thoughts to rise and pass’ instead of catching them, analysing them and believing their fearful messages!  Feel the energy run downwards through your feet, or upwards through the top of your head as you make the statement! Learning to work with our own energy is very empowering on all levels of our being!

Regardless of how unmotivated you feel, aim to achieve at least one thing each day.  Setting yourself a target and reaching it encourages positive chemical reaction linked to pleasure.  And although you may not feel it at first, setting seeds this way will provide a platform for further positive focus and action!  The target need only be small.  If you’ve been laying on the couch every day for a couple of months/weeks, then taking a walk during the day is a breakthrough!  If you’ve been putting off paperwork, chores etc., choose one from the list and make sure you do it.  Keep it easy and simple to start with.  I still use this approach to keep me motivated!

We need sleep to allow our turbulent mind to rest.  But too much sleep has an adverse affect that can make us feel worse.  When we’re depressed, even though we feel exhausted, we have to make ourselves more physically and mentally active, to stimulate our Serotonin levels.  Walking, dancing, meditating, positive conversations, reading a good book – anything that moves our energy towards positivity! This is a real big challenge!

Drugs and alcohol exacerbate depression, and although they might help to act as a sticking plaster, they do not help it or us long-term, in any way!!  There are many complementary therapies that are great for rebalancing our energy, and that do not involve ingesting harmful chemicals. And although you have to pay for this type of therapy, you have the power to choose who helps, and what help suits you best!

When we are caught in depression, it can feel like our world has collapsed.  Everything appears so bleak and futile, and we wonder if our life is worth living!  And the worst thing is knowing that we are the controllers of our progress or fall!  We are the ones who determine how long we stay depressed!  No one can fix us! But all this is controlled by the thoughts we think, the actions that we take! And though the days and nights may be long and painful, there will be good thoughts and moments popping in now and again.  And as you start looking for and counting these good moments, they will turn into hours, then days.  Then eventually, there will be more good days than bad!

I now realise depressive feelings are something I’ll have to manage long-term.  I have to be aware of the signs that motivate me to take evasive action, like getting more sleep, sorting out the strife in my mind, doing something for me – just for me! Life is changing for us at the moment, causing many problems.  And whilst there may be a specific problem that has caused your reactive depression, that you feel unable to change, I want to remind you that you can and must work with your depression, as that is the priority problem now!  Working against it, resisting it or giving in to it, will only prolong your suffering!

I feel quite frustrated whilst writing because there’s so much more I want to say.  But I promised myself I would keep my articles brief, as I know I get carried away sometimes!

So my heart cries out to all of you who are suffering from depression … ’Please don’t give up!  Don’t let fear destroy your life!  Please allow other people in to help you motivate yourself into positive action!’.  As even though you are walking through the tunnel of darkness at the moment, fighting the trials that depression bestows upon us, you are so much stronger and braver than you think you are – with or without pills!

You are the hero at the centre of your storm.  You must make sure you win the battle of light and dark aspects of your personality by choosing to use the mind that wallows in love, not fear action!

You can and will win.  I know.  I’ve done it many times!!

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So many blogs I’m reading are about the writer sharing their painful experiences.  Where readers comment and share their own experiences, and offer support for the author.  It appears that resonance enables each of us to appreciate each others’ suffering!

So when I posted my last blog I decided to do more sharing, which hopefully would help others in similar predicaments. But when I think about sharing some of my painful experiences through my blog, I freeze inside, my breathing gets faster, I feel panic start to rise in my body and mind! So whilst I can share what’s in my heart relatively easily, I find it very difficult to disclose or share the experiences in my life that have hurt me most!

I suppose that’s how it’s always been for me!  And I wonder if things will ever be different, for at age 64 some of my tendencies are well and truly ingrained!  However, because of my reaction to the sharing prompt, I owe it to myself to take a closer look as to what impedes my ability to communicate my pain to others. So that’s what I’ve been doing over the last few days!

But as I searched through my memories of how I never wanted to ‘make a fuss’ or cause problems for my over-worked mother, other memories and emotions surfaced, creating a whirlpool in my mind of incessant chattering thoughts, that have made me feel crap! Because as the thoughts rise and I question, analyse, cancel them out, or simply acknowledge them, they increase!  The chatter gets louder and stronger, and I feel tired and worn out from struggling to stay in control of my mind, and the stimulus to my emotions.

I feel worried that I recognise the pressure in my ears and the tightness and tingling at the top of my head! I know my blood pressure has risen because my heart beats faster, my breathing is more shallow, where the physical symptoms of stress are causing more fearful thoughts, such as ‘Am I going to have a heart attack or stroke?’.

This is a deep fear I’ve had since watching a woman die of heart attack on television when I was five.  I’d woken from a nightmare, got up and went into the dimly lit living room where my parents were watching a film on our newly acquired television (before that we only had radio). I ran and sat on my father’s lap (I was a daddy’s girl)and as I nestled my head on his chest, I watched the screen and saw a woman running along a beach, breathing hard, clutching her chest. Her young daughter had just died!  Her heart beat loudly… b.bang – b.bang – b.bang! Suddenly the beating got faster, then more erratic.  Then, as she dropped down onto the sand, the beating stopped and there was a loud silence!

I can’t remember the name of the film, but can remember the impact of that short scene, on a television screen that looked very real to a five-year old child, who’d already felt frightened by her nightmare!  Since then I started to monitor my heartbeat.  Is it too fast, too slow, is it going to stop!  And yes, I have worked on this issue, it has improved a great deal, but the remnants are still there!

I wonder if I’m going insane as I know the irritating voices are mine, the arguments  are mine! And it’s my thoughts that are causing my distress. It scares me that I’m visiting old territory of past torment, that I’ve tried so hard to escape from! Torment that is like a volcano preparing to erupt, as the pressure in my mind makes me feel like I’m getting ready to explode, scream or whatever!

However, I’ve learned that even though this storm is in my head, I can still think!  I can still take positive action other than getting carried along to the explosion point of uncontrollable action!  And this calms me down!  As I remind myself of what I know, I breath deeply as I tell myself….’I am C.A.L.M, my mind is C.A.L.M., my body is C.A.L.M.’  I allow myself to feel the calmness drizzle through my muscles. I take a few more calming breaths and feel the tension in my head reduce slightly.  This gives me the confidence to do some more calming statements, before using EFT tapping to sort out the residual issues!

And even though I’ve been feeling bad for a few days, no-one else knows!  Why?  Because I haven’t told them!  Ah ha – pattern apparent!  Why didn’t I tell?  Well for a start everyone has got their own problems to deal with, so why would they want mine!  If I did tell hubby how I was feeling he wouldn’t have a clue about how to help me, or make me feel better (communication isn’t his thing!).  And what’s the point of telling anyone how I feel if no-one can do anything about my problems?  So, I persist in trying to work them out in my head!  I repeat this pattern time after time, and this is why!!

I know how it feels, when intrusive thoughts fill your head until it feels like it’s going to explode.  Where the cycle of fear goes round and round in your mind, because no consolation or answers can be found.  Where there’s little sleep, because nightmares haunt your mind, even during the night! And where you wonder if you will survive this episode, or if your mind will ever think differently!

And even if you did want to share your dilemma, you don’t know how to start, or what to say, or even how to convey the intensity of what you are thinking and feeling!  Who would understand you, who would know how to best help you, who would know how to make you feel better?  And are your problems real, are they valid and worthy to cause such distress, or is your pain being caused by you because you’re over-reacting, making a mountain out of a molehill, making a fuss about nothing!

I’ve lived with mental anguish most of my life, and thankfully survived the conflicts my mind has caused.  I honestly don’t know if that will ever change. However, I tend to try to live day by day now, and whereas each day was a bad day, for a long, long time, there are many better or even good days now, where life becomes precious once again! Until the next temporary depressive episode that is!

So when we face our darkest moments, even if there is one dominant, destructive voice we hear all the time, that tells us to do bad things, we have to remember that we have many voices in our head!  And if we look and listen for it, we may find the voice of intuitive reason, that tells us we are strong, the world is a safe place, we are worthy, and that we will find the happiness we seek once we start to take more positive action.

When we’re caught up in our turmoil, it’s hard to steady ourselves if we just focus on the problems of how we think, feel and our negative experiences. But when we have problems sharing our worrying thoughts, our pain creates a bubble of mental and emotional turbulence, that can negatively affect us on every level of our being.  When we feel overwhelmed by ourselves, life stand still!  We can get stuck, going deeper and deeper into the pit of despair (as per one of my previous blogs).  And if you can’t help yourself to find a way out of the darkness, you owe it to yourself to find someone who can help you do what you can’t!

There are very few people I am willing to trust with my deepest, most painful memories, meaning I’ve had to learn how to cope with my distress alone, learn how to tolerate who I am, learn to recognise the warning signs that indicate I am not safe to look after me! Yet because of this way of coping, I have become extremely resourceful!

I used to pray for peace of mind, as though there was some sort of miracle that could immediately take away all the worries pounding my mind!.  I know now that my mind is like a computer…if you try running too many programmes at once, it will crash!  So I monitor myself, to try to catch myself before I get too low.  And remember that even in our darkest moments we can learn from our experience.  As when we focus on that new learning, which is what we need to do differently in the future, we cut ourselves off from having to experience the pain of our past!

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Just after I published my previous post about breakdown, someone asked me to clarify the statement included below, so that is what this article today will be about. I would state beforehand, that I’m not writing as an expert on spiritual matters.  What I am doing is briefly relating what I’ve learned because of what happened to me….

“….Another cause of breakdown is when we seek entry into the spiritual realms, where our vulnerable consciousness is unprepared for the force of negative energy that we expose ourselves to, when we open our mind to the unknown spiritual forces that exist”….

I felt disillusioned that spirit was not all about love and light, as I’d believed. As my experiences showed a side of spirit I thought only existed in horror movies!  I won’t be describing those here. Only pointing out that once we start working with higher dimensions and higher consciousness, and enter into unknown spiritual realms that contain more species, good and bad, than we could possibly envisage, we can be propelled into mental experiences we are unprepared for!

Spirituality has many illogical aspects to it.  Such as miracles that happen, spiritual  beings that manifest to warn, help or heal us.  Even the fact we can communicate with dead people and entities, can be classed as unbelievable by those who doubt.  I’m not saying it’s wrong to doubt anything, as discernment is our saviour.  But humans are a composite form of mental, emotional, physical and spiritual energy.  Yet whilst we accept all other aspects, there is suspicion about our spiritual nature.  But why must it still be like this, when our spiritual nature can provide so much assistance to help us cope with physical life!

We can’t see our thoughts or painful emotions, yet we know they are real because we experience them, even if we don’t fully understand, accept or validate them.  This is what it’s like when we communicate with the spiritual world. We transmit and translate through our higher mind. So I guess this is the problem… communication is conducted intuitively through the mind, so has to be channelled, interpreted and passed on to others by the receiver.  So if we can’t see or hear what they do, how do we know they are telling the truth?

Charlatans are eager to take our money, and mediumship provides an easy way to do this because it’s individualistic, un-provable nature, can fool many.  So we have to be selective about where we place our trust regarding these matters. But what happens when we seek spiritual truth through our own higher mind.  And make contact with discarnate people, entities, angels, monsters etc., whose images fill our enquiring, yet fearful mind, stimulating fearful egotistical thoughts because we can’t seem to control what we see or think.  How do we decide what is true, what is real or imaginary? Because images extend beyond the logical parameters of tangibility, stimulating our fear responses, how do we know whether we are imagining these things, really communicating with higher intelligence, having a mental breakdown or simply going insane?

Our logical mind determines our truth and reality.  So if something doesn’t meet our criteria for being real, we question its existence. Often relying on views of other people to determine the validity of what we’ve seen, regardless of our feelings about it.  Because of ego influences, we often find it difficult to admit we’re wrong or different from others.  If others are unable to validate what we perceive, we may then go on to judge our perception as wrong, or visions imaginary, even if they’re not.  So there are those who hear, see or sense the spiritual world, but deny it because no-one else can see what they do.  This can lead the individual to believe they are hallucinating, terrorising them into the world of mental illness and all that it contains.  Whereas if their visions could be validated and accepted, they could find a way to work logically with them.

Once we start crying out to God for help, soul-searching, meditating, contacting our guides, channelling information etc., we open our mind beyond our logical parameters, and enter a dimensional reality that has different rules to the physical world.  We make contact with spiritual beings and higher dimensions through our higher consciousness.  We open our senses and our mind! We hear with our internal ears, we see through our inner eyes, and every physical sense is activated, as we prepare to feel any communication that proves we are being heard. Some people don’t see, but sense through the way they physically feel.  Others can hear. Some people can see, hear  and sense.  Whatever, the communication is conducted through the persons own mind, where most of the time no-one else sees the same images, hears the same voices or feels exactly the same, for the same reasons.

There are different ways we prove that communication is real.  A touch, a sound, a feeling.  So when we do find a way to ‘make contact’, and get proof that someone or something on the other side is responding, we naturally want to communicate more. So we reduce our protective nature, and allow our energy to become more sensitive. We open our mind and senses more, so we can gain access to more on other dimensions!  Where eventually, if we’re not careful, we start to feel ‘elation’ that we’re living in both worlds, thus without an anchor to keep us steady.

This is when we become most vulnerable, because we’re dealing with the unknown spiritual world, but allowed our logical mentality, which keeps us protected, to subside!  The problem is that not all beings on other dimensions are friendly and nice.  As some of them are distressed, angry or just plain psychopathic.  For some reason their soul has remained afloat after their physical departure, and although in the world of spirit, they’ve not received the healing they need, so still retain their physical personality and emotional defects. We believe, we trust, we fear! Thus, because we’ve opened our energy to the spiritual world, we’re like victims of slimy-handed pickpockets in a crowded market place, leaving our valuables on display to be stolen.

When working with higher consciousness, we have to learn that images are real on that level. That’s why visualisation therapy is so helpful – its reality enables us to create change, and expands our ability to manifest. But as we’re still working through our conscious mind, our egotistical fear, and unconscious mind are still in play.  Where as we explore higher dimensions, visions in the spiritual world can stimulate ego prompts that evoke fearful images and concepts from the conscious and unconscious mind, that become mingled  together. Meaning we have to understand that whilst visions in our mind may not be totally real, there are some elements that are, so we have to work out true reality!

Many people have been helped and reassured by spirit communication.  And although I’ve been helped so much over the years by loving guides, I didn’t understand the rules  of energetic world that connects everything to everything else. Most mediums I know have no real problems with the spiritual world.  And I honestly don’t know why I’ve had such a hard time.  I used protective techniques, I called upon my guides and God for help.  I did what I thought I had to do, in order to stop attracting negative energy and entities toward me.  I pray things are different now though, as whilst I feel compassion for lost souls who linger out there, my sanity is more important to me.  So whereas before I’d disregard how I felt and put their welfare first, by working with them to my detriment, if helping means compromising my energy, I will put myself first and run for safety!

I think it’s probably a good time to relate one experience here, which happened to me nearly twenty years ago.  And regardless of whether you choose to believe it, I can assure you that although I was depressed, I was not psychotic.  I was awake, it was not a dream or vision, but a real, tangible happening, that for some reason was to become just one of many that I had to learn to deal with and understand…

Laying in bed one night, feeling terribly depressed, just like many other nights I called out to God, begging… ‘Please help me.  Tell me who my guides are so I can call on them to help me.  Dear God, help me feel better!’.  Suddenly from just above me, to the right, I heard a ‘Whoosh’ sound, and saw a large hand emerge out of nowhere.  As the hand opened in the darkness of the room, I saw that it held a large white egg in its palm.  Though stunned, I felt elated!  God had finally heard my cries of despair and was giving me a gift. I reached out my hand and took the egg that was being offered to me.  I could feel its shell, but when I examined it more closely I saw two large holes in it. The hand and the egg disappeared. But as I lay contemplating this miraculous manifestation, I felt disappointed about the broken egg! ‘Why was it broken?’ I wondered, as I lay in bed, trying to come to terms with what I’d just experienced.  I pinched myself to make sure I was awake, and looked around the room to make sure I was still where I should be. Suddenly I felt something touching my breasts.  As I looked down in disbelief I could see and feel my flesh moving underneath my nightdress, as though hands were groping me.  But there was no other human in the room! As the groping became more intense I tried to move but couldn’t.  I didn’t know what to do, as I didn’t know what the hands would do to me next, and in sheer terror I screamed out loudly ‘Fuck off…leave me alone’, repeating it a few times before the groping finally stopped.  I didn’t sleep for a week after that!

Seems far-fetched doesn’t it.  Regardless, this happened to me!  I didn’t imagine it happened!

We live according to human rules, which we ignore or deviate from if we choose.  But when we enter into higher consciousness, there are strict energetic, universal laws that come into play, that will never change, regardless of how much we try to prise them one way or another.  The law of attraction dictates that like attract like, so needy people who seek solace through the spiritual world, will attract needy spiritual beings on other dimensions.  If you are angry, depressed, proud or whatever, when channelling you will most certainly draw spirits toward you that match your agenda.  This is no accident, as dealing with the troubled spirit allows healing and learning for both parties, according to the law of reaction which states ‘What you give you get!’.

When we do make contact with a spirit, and it tells us things, we should remember not to trust them until we get to know them better, and have proven their help is actually helpful to us.  As whilst there are beautiful guides available to help us, the spiritual world contains both light and dark entities, just like good and bad humans on earth.  Meaning there are some dark spirits out there who want to con us, because they want something from us.  Namely our energy!  Because when they can nestle like a parasite into our energy field, they can survive using our power.  Where eventually as they become stronger, they try to overtake our personality and live our life as their own.

You may think your guides will help, the angels will protect you.  But are you sure your guides are working for the highest good?  And are you experiencing your own feelings – or are you picking up on the feelings of an earthbound entity that has attached itself to you, because you’re feeling as bad as it, where like attracts like!

It’s a wonderful experience when we make contact with the energy of an angel, or higher spiritual guide.  Their sublime energy embraces you as you feel the warmth of their touch, or sense their presence, or  hear their words of comfort in your mind.  But it’s a different matter when you are touched by a dark entity, whose craftiness and despairing need clings on to your energy, sapping your strength and will.  The problem is, if you are already over-burdened, you may not even recognise the deepening depression, the extra-anxiety, the intensifying  feelings of heaviness on your shoulders.  You may think it’s just you!

If ever I’m in doubt, I close my eyes, put my attention to my mind, and say this out loud three times…

‘I ask my higher guides to remove all negative energy/entities from my energy system’.

I then try to sense energy rising upwards, from my body, leaving through the top of my head.  Try it whenever you feel low, see what you think!

We can choose to develop our sensitivity to such a level that we can feel other people’s pain.  We can hear their thoughts before they acknowledge them, we can sense what they are feeling and why, before even they are aware.  This is what happened to me a few years ago, where after working so hard to make myself more sensitive, my need for sanity meant I had to learn how to desensitize myself, because it didn’t feel good in any way. Opening our mind to higher consciousness means we’re able to see the truth of the world.  But we’re not used to this level of honesty and clarity, so as we try to make sense of our experiences, it can freak us out!

There are many who dismiss clairvoyance as ‘just imagination’, refusing to accept there is a spiritual reality at all. Simply because they cannot see, hear of feel what the medium can.  It’s for this reason that psychics have been classified as fraudulent, psychotic, insane, or simply having a vivid imagination.  But I am genuine and my experiences felt very real! Such as messages that proved correct, guidance that helped me and others.  Extraterrestrials who gave information about the birth of mankind and its development.  It also felt very real when I was sitting having a cup of tea one morning, when a native American guide manifested unexpectedly in front of me.  That was a total surprise I can tell you!  But these are the good things.

The bad elements also felt very real.  The aliens exiting from open vortices into our world, the hideous soul energy of murderers who still believe they have the right to harm others, the terrible pain of discarnate souls who committed suicide to find some peace, but are still earthbound.  The terror that rose in me during times I realised entities had firmly attached to me, that could drive me to the brink of insanity.  The worst of these times happened in 1987, 1996 and 2006.  Where the struggle to regain my personality after breakdown, felt very real I can assure you!

My experiences have proven the spiritual world is real to those who have opened their mind, consciousness and heart.  Images we see through our mind can be real or imagined – this is the predicament.  How do we know truth? I tried to conduct my spiritual behaviour according to my egotistical nature and its rules.  But it doesn’t work like that in the spiritual world! My energy was weak because I lacked self-confidence. I wanted to help them, but fear was so deeply ingrained within my personality that I made myself a target.

I hate it that I’ve had to experience the dark side of spirit.  I don’t feel a victim, as I know that whatever has occurred was for a valid reason. But when we lack experience, and are being fed energetically harmful information, our logical mind and physical personality can implode. Causing enormous overwhelm to our sanity, because we find it difficult to work out what is real and what isn’t any more!  Leading us to fear, with increasing terror, that we are losing our sanity, because we cannot control or stop the dark images, thoughts and feelings, that we have unwittingly welcomed into our personal energetic world!

I would clarify at this point that there are those who suffer mental health problems, for a variety of reasons, who are delusional and claim to have spiritual visitations. Where it’s vital they receive appropriate expert help.  And I accept that sometimes it’s difficult to determine if a person is unbalanced, authentically channelling information or just cold reading (as the experts call it).  My concern is, our soul energy is awakening to the call of natural evolution. Meaning we will all become more intuitive in the not too distant future.

But what will happen when your mind opens to other dimensions.  If you doubt spiritual reality, will you automatically assume the person who receives channelled guidance to be delusional, including you?  Because if so, you could hold yourself back by denying the crucial help you need! Or will you throw yourself in at the deep end, and just believe whatever you are told by beings you deem as having higher intelligence, when they have not?

This is the predicament mentioned earlier!  We live adult life according to what we were told as children.  We believed what we were told, even if it wasn’t true, because regardless, we thought ‘they’ knew better than us.  This is the same when we start to channel.  We believe spirit is good because that is what we’ve been told. We create new beliefs around our mediumship, and experience a new sense of power that we have another world at our disposal! It can make us feel very powerful, elated, in control, all-knowing and seeing.  It can also destroy our lives unless we close our mind, reject the images and allow our consciousness to come back to physical earth.  Then, next time we start communicating with other dimensions, once we’ve recovered our lucidity and trust we are sane, we will remain in control of our mind, take it more slowly and not believe every spirit is good, or knows best.

So we have to make up our own mind about what to believe, when we catch sight of dead people, angels, our guides and other entities.  And decipher whether our imagination is just running away with what we think we should be seeing, or even what we’re most afraid of seeing.  But maybe we need help to do just that!  What are your thoughts?

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Life is glorious, life is magical, but life is so bloody hard at times, I’m amazed that so many of us survive for as long as we do.  The human body is a miracle, in that something so fragile as our skin, organs and bones can withstand so much pain and trauma, yet we still live, we still breathe, we still survive – somehow!

But when our mind becomes broken, our world stops.  And as we enter what I can only describe through personal experience, as the hell of insanity, instead of us being in control of our mind, our desperate, destructive thoughts compel us to take action that can harm us or others, because it, our negative personality, has taken control of us!

And even though we still breathe and survive, we stop living for a time, until we regain our sense of self, and can start to rebuild our confidence enough to start living our life again.  But even then, we are so scared by what’s happened to us, and afraid that it might happen again, we can if we’re not careful, teeter anxiously on the verge of insanity for the rest of our lives!

Many people are living on the edge of the proverbial cliff at the moment, due to the political and financial climate that affects us all in some way.  This means most of us are under extra stress. And whilst most people cope with their situation and how they are feeling, there are many who don’t!  People of all ages whose thoughts and emotions juxtaposition themselves into a crisis that cannot be contained within their over-filled anxious mind, and where lack of control over their life and their self creates an emotional or mental breakdown that can take months, or even years to recover from.

You don’t have to be weak to have a breakdown. You can be strong and resilient.  You can be resourceful and energetic.  You could be positive and have good intentions – but when that overload occurs, none of this seems to be enough to withstand the torrent of negativity that surfaces, as a consequence of repressed emotion, depression and anxiety, that leads to breakdown.

There are many causes of breakdown, including basic things like too much stress, boredom, emotional disturbance caused by addictive dependencies etc.   In fact anything that creates what we perceive as an irresolvable  problem for us, makes us susceptible to breakdown. Because as we struggle to work it out, and can’t, we focus our creative mind on impossibilities that create a spiralling energy, that can overwhelm and debilitate us even more, eventually tipping the balance that allows our negative mind to gain overall control of our sense of logic – because we’re too tired to fight our thoughts any more!

Another cause of breakdown is when we seek entry into the spiritual realms, where our vulnerable consciousness is unprepared for the force of negative energy that we expose ourselves to, when we open our mind to the unknown spiritual forces that exist.

And whilst in any breakdown, the negative mind will do it’s utmost to keep us paralysed in fear, until we become strong enough to challenge it once more and regain control.  Spiritually induced breakdown is different, in that our negative thoughts and visions may just be true on a different dimensional level, and what we witness real.  Where trying to survive our extreme terror, as we strive to define true reality, causes us our biggest problems!

As we recover from breakdown, it’s normal to wonder if life will ever return to normal.  Our traumatised self doesn’t find it easy any more to do simple tasks, to plan simple things in advance, to do simple things that bring us pleasure.  But this doesn’t mean that life cannot or will not be good in the future.  It just means that somehow we have to find a different way to live life, to look after ourself.  And identify a better way to manage who we are and what we do.

This journey is a process, that can take a long time. Because it involves walking a path of stepping-stones that lead us on slowly but surely to the next stage of our life.  Where as our mind, confidence and emotions heal themselves, just like our broken bones do, we can if we look hard and long enough, find the true purpose for our existence, that can allow us accept that our suffering has been worthwhile!

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