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Posts Tagged ‘Choice’

There is a simple word that explains exactly how I feel a lot of the time lately.  The word is AMBIVALENT.  The dictionary describes it thus…’simultaneous existence of two conflicting desires, opinions etc.’.

For me, ambivalence means confusion, frustration and often despair, because I’m caught in the middle of me, where I can’t make up my mind what exactly I want.  And when I do feel certain and decide that yes, this is the way forward,  another part of my personality enters to talk me out of it.  So annoying!

These are the type of thoughts associated with ambivalence….

* I want this, but will I really be better off there?

*I don’t want this relationship, but is there anything better out there for me?

*I want to go out to work, but will I be able to cope with the added pressures?

*I want to lose weight, but can I really be bothered at my age?

*I want to be healthy, but this life is so hard do I really want to be alive?

*I want to be successful, but will I still retain my freedom to do what I want?

Ambivalence has such a lot of power, as it stops us moving forward, making changes, and accepting who we.  It is associated to our ego, which can fool us and lie, but the ambivalent desires are real.  They hurt and confuse.  Sometimes, in fact most of the time, ambivalence makes things a lot harder for us than need be!

This is a time when we need to be working toward clearing our minds and hearts, and dumping any unwanted baggage from our lives.  But how can we be selective when we can’t make up our mind?  How can we choose which road to walk, when we can see the benefits and pitfalls of alternatives, and there are payoffs for staying where we are and also moving on?

What makes it worse, is that when we’ve got the dreaded ambivalence, the more we think about our situation and try to work it out logically, the more we can see. Thus the more confused we become!  We’re in a state of awareness that allows us to see what we’ve not seen before, or what we’ve tried to ignore.  Ambivalence logic makes our pain reduce, not in reality, but in our mind.  Ambivalence makes us believe an easy fix will appear and sort things out for us, which sometimes does happen, but often does not!  Ambivalence can wear us down by causing so much confusion and self-doubt,  that sends us running back to our comfort zone because we need to rest, where we end up repeating negative cycles over and over again!

We usually experience ambivalence when we’re contemplating making changes in our life.  And in my own experience ambivalence arises at the action stage, meaning the thinking and decision-making stages have already been surpassed.  Now it’s time to walk the walk – and that’s definitely the hard part isn’t it?

So in reality, ambivalence is just fear isn’t it?  Fear of change.  Fear of losing what we’ve got!  Fear of making a huge mistake!  Fear of hurting those we love!  But if the time is right to make a decision, which will reduce the ambivalent state,  then what can we do?  As if we’re not sure which road to take, how do we know we will be okay?  How do we know this is the right thing for us?  How do we know that this, is better than that?

The simple truth is that we won’t know anything unless, and until we try it!  We won’t know if there is a better partner for us!  We won’t know if we’ll feel better about life!  We won’t know how much we can cope with! We won’t know anything unless we let ourselves travel into that experience, in order to discover the benefits and pitfalls of that state!

So I guess the real answer to the ambivalence problem is to become aware that your confusion is caused by ambivalence.  Then decide which course of action you are avoiding because it is in new, unchartered territory, and which course of action leads you back to your comfort zone.  Then  you can make the decision of how you want to proceed with your future.  Do you want things to stay as they are, or do you want things to change?

I don’t know about you, but I definitely want things to change.  Now what should I do next…if only I could make up my mind!!

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I’ve spent my life searching for one thing or another, and have become extremely proficient at achieving most goals I set my sights upon.  But it worries me that I have developed so many skills and abilities, yet I’m still searching and still feel unfulfilled!

Setting clear goals to aim for is vitally important if we want to achieve more. And as my career path has been a stumbling block for some time now, because I seem unable to clarify what exactly I want to be doing with my life, I decided to review my career goal, by imaging as clearly as I could what success would mean to me.

As I closed my eyes the images were already starting to appear, where I could see myself at a huge, posh reception. My family was there also,  and we mingled with the celebrities and other successful business people, holding glasses of sparkling champagne in our hands.

When I asked my higher mind why I was there, it became apparent that we were all there to celebrate the success of my book, where publishers, publicity agents, press, people who had liked my work, were congratulating me on my success.

Even though this scenario prompted my anxiety as I envisaged its reality, I tried to make myself feel proud of me, as I watched the scenes evolve, relieved to think that maybe one day my current book would find it’s way out of storage, and others in my head might eventually be published.  But I wondered how this could ever actualise, as one of my biggest problems is my lack of ability to market myself.

Thus selling my creations has proven somewhat difficult in the past.  As regardless of the high quality and efficacy of my product, which I could acknowledge, I had problems promoting me – for various reasons I won’t even go into.  As the truth is, they should not still be affecting me now, after all the work I’ve done on myself!

So, because this was a self-awareness exercise, I knew I had to think about the scenes in my mind and find a way to see what I’d been missing!

A couple of days later, I realised that whilst the scenes I’d imagined may come as a consequence of my success as an author, there was still something missing.  As where did I go from there?  Would I aim for more successful writing, more fame, more money?  How would that make me feel?  The answer was clear!  This sort of success provided a sense of safety and esteem, as it could bring forth the financial stability I’d been striving to find for many years.  But it didn’t make me feel complete or euphoric!

Amongst other things I’m a counsellor, a helper, a healer, a light worker, or whatever else describes people like me, who have the ability and desire to help others cope with their lives. I know when I make a positive difference to someone’s life, because I get a wonderful feeling in my heart centre that confirms I’ve been helpful in some way.  Some describe this feeling as love, but it’s more than that.  It’s a feeling of totality that incorporates all other good feelings. But in the celebratory scenes in my mind, I didn’t have that feeling.  I felt proud of myself, relieved that my hard work had paid off, and grateful that my accomplishments had been recognised.  But I didn’t get that special feeling in my heart centre, that I loved to feel, and that made my efforts worthwhile!

The creation of my beautiful guidance cards (Insight Pocket Cards – available from my website, Amazon or Waterstone’s), was derived from spiritual guiding messages I’d received over the last twenty years.  One of the messages went something like this…..‘Fame is just for an instant.  So if you simply aim to achieve fame you will always feel a loser.  But if you search for meaning and purpose your name could live on forever!’

I’d taken this message on board when I received it many years ago, and appreciated being reminded that the ego can fool us so easily into believing we’re doing the right thing for the right reasons, when really we’re not.  But now this message had even more relevance to it, because although my intent was to aim for the highest good, the celebration scenes in my mind were clearly about financial security and stardom!

This doesn’t mean that it’s a bad thing or we can’t have it all.  It just means that maybe the long-term meaning and purpose has to come first, before we can claim the benefits of the rewards.  I thought I already knew this.  Just goes to show how we can fool ourselves doesn’t it!

Now at last I can recognise the stumbling block (I’ve sabotaged my success and fulfilment because I’ve been aiming for the wrong thing), I’ve got some work to do with my unconscious. Where I have to consciously create a route between now and the celebration party, that is filled with things that generate the good feeling I get in my heart when I’ve helped someone.

So instead of just seeking ways to earn money through my products, I guess my search is now going to be about how to find that good feeling in my heart, which hopefully will guide me toward my higher purpose.  The search continues…..I’ll let you know how I get on!

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