Posts Tagged ‘Delusions’

It’s 4.45 am and I’m having a cup of camomile tea to calm myself down, after being woken from a lovely deep sleep at 12.45 am by my hubby getting into bed, then by his snoring as I started to drop off again, then by him rolling around the bed because he’s got a pain in his back!  I’ve tried all this time to get back to sleep but can’t.  And eventually, as is so common during sleepless nights, my mind started to run away with itself, causing the rushes of anxiety I’m now trying to calm down.

I think I’ve heard it called ‘The hour of the wolf’, the mind-chaos that erupts during the middle of the night, whilst you’re laying there, desperate to get to sleep.  The time when there is little resistance to deter the rising of internalised anxiety, that has been held deep inside for some time.  The worry thoughts you push away.  The niggles you ignore.  The fear that is too intense to acknowledge.  All find a route to the surface of your mind when you are in this experience!

As you lay there in the darkness, wondering if you will drop off soon, your mind starts to wander.  Firstly onto the trivia you’ve encountered over the recent past, then into the more deeper regions of your worries and fears.  Until eventually, as you lay there, tossing and turning, beating up the pillows, kicking of the covers, you realise you feel really vulnerable.  Your anxiety increases as you feel more panicky and are unable to pacify yourself.  You hear the creaks in the house and the rustles outside the window.  Your senses are heightened!  There are so many things to worry about and be scared of!

And as your fearful thoughts bombard your thinking mind, you try to work them out, causing a reaction within your mind like a tennis game.  Where as one thought gets hit back by another, repeatedly, you can end up fraught and exhausted. Not because you’ve gone without sleep, but because you’ve experienced an attack of anxiety that can often debilitate you for the next few hours.

So, because I’m a therapist (cliché), I’m aware that my anxious thoughts are not true, their intensity does not mean they are premonitionary.  My anxiety and rapid heart beat is being caused by my mind racing because there is nothing to distract it, not by a heart attack!  The increasing tension in my body is being caused by the anxiety created by my mind running free, in the night.  The noises are simply the house creaking, not someone breaking in. Meaning that because I understand how insomnia can evoke acutely distressing delusional-type experiences that our mind creates, I can recognise I’m in the midst of a process that can be controlled, and find ways to break the worry cycle that my mind has created over the last few hours! Thus, I decided I’m not going to just lay there worrying and getting more anxious, and frustrated with myself!  I’m going to get up and have a cuppa!

Which is why I’m at my computer writing this blog. I didn’t intend writing this post.  It just sort of felt right at the time though! Anyway, it’s now 5.30 am. I’ve finished my camomile tea, the sun has risen beautifully.  I can hear the birds singing.  I love birds!  The milk man has just driven by, making the sound that milk floats make – I love that sound.  It reminds me of when I was a child.  A safe, familiar sound!

And as this new day dawns, and I feel a lot calmer knowing ‘All is well in my world!’(one of my favourite affirmations), I’m going to return to bed and try to get a couple of hours sleep before starting the day properly. As I’m spending time with my son and grandson later, that I intend to enjoy!

What about hubby you ask?  He’s slept soundly all night, like he usually does every night, after he’s disturbed my sleep and woken me up when he comes to bed!  But hey, that’s another story!

Have a good day everyone!


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