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Posts Tagged ‘depression’

I’m prompted to write this post because of the many cases of suicide I’m hearing about lately!  Each time I hear another person has killed themselves my heart cries out… ‘NO’…’THIS IS NOT RIGHT’…!!  I feel it’s dark shudder through my whole being! Every week it happens! Every day someone kills themselves because they can’t cope with their problems, their relationships, their emotions or their life!

This is not right…how can it be…these are our children, the people of the future…?

I feel so frustrated…!  I feel so sad for these people and their lost life…!  I recognise their terrible anguish and feel compelled to do something to help – ‘But what can I do?’ I ask myself…! How can I help change someone’s mind if they feel determined to take such action?  How can I convince someone that whilst they may be suffering now, their future contains wonderful experiences they would be desperately sad that they’d missed?  How can I communicate to them that once their life is gone, they will have missed all the opportunities for healing and growth their soul had signed up for? How can I prove that life is filled with both light and dark times, and whilst they may be in bleakness now, the wonderful times filled with love and light are only a breath away…?

And how can I help them understand that they are so much more, than their physical reality…?

I have personal experience of suicide… my father committed suicide aged 53. I have fought and resisted the compelling demons myself on more occasions than I would like to admit. I’ve friends who’ve lost a relative through suicide, and I’ve worked professionally with clients who have felt suicidal.  So…let me tell you a little about what I know, and maybe, just maybe, there will be someone reading this post that will benefit from my words, and NOT kill themselves…!  For I know, without a shadow of doubt, that suicide is not always the best solution…as it simply causes more suffering one way or another…!

Many people are feeling overwhelmed by their experiences of life! The problem is that because there’s so many hurdles to face, we’re not getting the rough and the smooth times that allow us to consolidate what we’ve learned – to reassure and calm ourselves down. Whereby when life seems wrong or broken, and nothing feels good enough, depression can slowly edge its way into our existence, or pounce on us unannounced, as we struggle to cope with the upsetting turbulence in our life….!

So, it helps to understand that challenges can help us grow…otherwise confusion as to why we have to suffer dominates our whole being and convinces us that we, or others, are the sole cause of our problems, when really they’re not!

Our internal and external worlds are changing more than ever before, and there’s so much pessimism nowadays it’s difficult to rise above the storm of opposition we face almost daily.  However, one major thing I’ve learned, is that life is meant to be challenging – for a good reason…to help us grow stronger!  As it’s during the times we feel most alone, burdened and weak, that we’re compelled to find inner strengths to cope with our situation.  Each time this happens (let’s call it a hurdle), we learn something new…a piece of wisdom that will help us better manage our future.  As regardless of how difficult, painful and hopeless our situation appears, there is always a way through it…somehow!  Even if it does mean finding ways to come to terms with what we’ve lost, or accepting what we can’t change, or stepping up and accepting responsibilities to ourself or others, that take us out of our comfort zone!

We’re meant to grow stronger through our challenges – not give up!  And whilst, when feeling weary, we may decide to opt-out of the rat-race for a time, we must remember that life is, and always will be transformational and transitional.  Where everything comes and goes in its own time!  And whilst there will be times when we can speed things up or slow things down, there will also be times when we can’t stop things happening.  As there are some external things we can’t control, and there’s things like our mind and emotions that we can control, but don’t, because we don’t know how!

Sometimes we have to fight ourselves and our egotistical mind to get what we want, and resist taking action that can harm us or others, or that can impair our future happiness!  This means when we think we can’t take any more, or go on feeling this bad any longer…we step outside of our immediate circumstances and look to the universe to provide what we need.  Religion doesn’t need to come into play here…just the realisation that we are energetic beings living in an energetic world, where we are the creators…!  We create many situations by things we do, say or think…so if we acknowledge the part we’ve played in getting us where we are (without beating ourselves up), then we can see where we’ve gone wrong, and maybe identify what we can do to put things right!

Thus, when feeling desolate, we have to force ourselves to remember that even though we’ve got enormous problems that seem insurmountable now, given proper attention they will reduce over time. Offering us the opportunity to embark on a new pathway, that will lead us to better and different things than we’ve previously known!  This is why our life is often referred to as…A JOURNEY…because that IS what it is…!  And thank goodness for that…because even though we get upset when we lose the things we want to keep, it also means that given time, our bad times will also eventually pass!

There’s a variety of reasons why people commit suicide, ranging from being overwhelmed with life, painful emotions, uncontrollable experiences; those suffering depression; those who overdose with their addictions, and those with terminal illness who choose not to suffer any more than they must.  And whilst we can recognise the contributing factors that prompt suicide thoughts, it’s the inability to control both our external and internal worlds, that create the overwhelming impulse that makes us want to self-harm!

There are those who condemn suicide as being wrong, and others who accept the more fatalist way of thinking that states… ‘It’s their choice’, or ‘It was their soul plan’…!  My own view?….Personal experience has taught me that we kill ourselves when we are acutely depressed or distressed by overwhelming problems, and believe there is nothing better to live for…!

We can kill ourselves on the whim of a single impulse, or we can plan our actions methodically.  We can be frantic in our actions, or we can be calm and collected! We can intentionally mean to kill ourselves, or we can attempt suicide to get the professional help we so desperately need, but have not been able to get.  Regardless, we view suicide as an ‘OPTION’… because we believe there is nothing else we can do…to stop our intolerable pain!

But…suicide is NOT an option to life…!!

Suicide ends all the opportunities you may have to experience love, success and happiness in your future!  And though you can’t feel happiness now, it doesn’t mean it’s not there…!  It is…I promise you…because I know…!  You just have to do things a bit differently than before!  You have to know how to wait for, find, and grab all of these wonderful things when the time is right, as whilst awareness is the true key to success,  ignorance and lack of positive action is our biggest curse!

I understand the factors that create the impulse to kill ourselves.  The depression that leads us to believe life is worthless because we’re ‘shit’…we’ll never be good enough!  I know the feelings inside that drag our morale out of existence, shattering any shreds of self-esteem and hope that we may have left inside our weary heart and mind!  I know the panic and futility that financial, employment and relationship problems can create, where the explosion of powerlessness in your mind and emotions brings you to your knees, and you don’t have enough of what it takes to get yourself back up on your feet again.

I know the dark tunnel of despair, that is relentlessly long, that leads you to believe that it and your pain, will never end…! And I know the overwhelming impulse to kill yourself when you don’t want to live, or the terrifying experience of wanting to kill yourself, even though you really don’t want to die!

Only those who know these things, will know…!

Our will, our heart, our mind can break during our emotional journeying.  And when this happens we need to utilise all of our coping skills just to maintain some sense of balancing act, that supports us as we falter and fall from our current existence.  This is the time when many give up, believing there is nothing left to give, nothing to receive, nothing to live for.  But they are wrong!  As it’s at this point of collapse, that our world will naturally start to rebuild, stronger and better – if we allow it to…almost like a second chance…to do things differently!

When we contemplate suicide our thoughts are dominated by what we’ve lost, what we can’t have and what we can’t do.  A perception that is contaminated by depressive thoughts that lie to us …constantly telling us how we are weak or wrong, we can’t take any more of it…, life will never improve…, we’ll never get what we want… etc.  We believe our thoughts and bad feelings because there’s been nothing to prove to us that they’re wrong!

We feel pain; we feel anger; we feel numb; we cry; we are silently screaming…we are trying to decide what to do for the best!  But when there are no positives in our life, and we are not an enlightened being who has learned the art of self-management,  our options appear limited.  So we remind ourselves there’s nothing we can do to improve our miserable existence!  Nothing we can do that will take away our internal pain.  Our anguish cuts to the core of our soul…so how can we stop how we’re feeling?  How can we stop this terrifying or desolate way of life that has been bestowed upon us by society, by other people, by our own resources, by God or fate, whatever…how can we stop all of this PAIN...?

But think about this…please!  As when we’re so overwhelmed by our anguish, how can we think clearly and know what to do to sort out our life?  How can we know answers that we’ve never learned? How can we reignite our hope and optimism when we can’t see the light at the end of the long, dark tunnel of despair?  As all we can see and feel is stuckness, darkness and an intolerable urge to escape from where we are?  Whereby our real problem is not what’s happening in our life…but is probably the depression that has silently taken over our thinking, feeling, existence and life!

Thus…you are not the problem, your life is not the problem –DEPRESSION has become the priority problem which now has to be attended to first, meaning you may need help from those who can support you until you feel better – which you will, given time!

We won’t feel excitement or enthusiasm when we’re depressed, so at our worst times we have to find a way to remember…something…! Just a snippet of information that will support the idea that maybe there is a way through our turmoil.  That we will be okay soon.  That our life will be worth living, the problem will be resolved – and our pain will stop!!  We have to force ourselves to remember a little bit of wisdom, that will trigger the hope that lies dormant inside us. Hope that just maybe, we can survive this pain…that tomorrow our life will start to improve and everything will work out okay…eventually!

When contemplating suicide, we can use various reasons to stay alive…our loved ones, ambitions etc.  But sometimes none of these things matter at the crucial point of action…there is only thought of what you have to do, what needs to be done to make everything go away…!   But our perception is distorted!  Our mind is unbalanced because it cannot perceive positively!  Our mind is governed by confused negative thinking that has become habitual and destructive!  Our mind feels like it is not our own…yet we can feel more in control than ever before.  And we know, without a shadow of doubt that our actions are the right actions. We know that this…suicide…is the best and only thing to do…!

But it’s not…WE ARE WRONG WHEN WE THINK THAT!..We over react because we don’t know what else to do… to make things right…!

So let’s me try to change your perception a little…as right now you may be believing that attempting to change your life is futile, as nothing you’ve tried before has worked.  There are too many things against you…and you can’t see how you will ever get out of this mess!!  And I realise that you might not feel like reading a long article..I know how hard it can be to concentrate…please persevere though, as something I write may trigger something inside of you to wake up and fight back…!

Let’s start by remembering there’s always a beginning and end to everything.  The only thing this doesn’t apply to is energy, as  energy is infinite but constantly changing form. So to make things easier to navigate, it helps to see episodes of conflict, depression, and despair, as us being inside a tunnel we enter from one end and eventually leave by the other…the length of the tunnel varies from one experience to another, according to our attitude and what actions we take to get the help we need!

Of course we all want life to be smooth, happy and easy…but it’s not is it?  It’s filled with dark tunnels, both short and long, at various distance points that we have to transcend through, to move along our life pathway. This is just how it is and always will be!  But also remember, that in between the tunnels is our good times. And as we learn to negotiate our way through the various challenges thrown at us, the tunnels of darkness become less frequent…!

As mentioned before, life is meant to be challenging because it allows us to change and grow.  So when we face heavy-duty challenges, a set of external and/or internal circumstances can lead us into the darkness of mental and emotional despair (the tunnel), which we can move forward through reasonably quickly if we’re not depressed, by using our skills, and help from others, to get where we need to go – which usually evokes some sort of positive change to our lives!

The trouble is when we get confused, scared or don’t know how to resolve our problems, we can get stuck between the entrance and exit points – so we freeze, because we can’t propel ourselves forward. We try to move forward doing all the things we’ve done before…then we’re surprised and disappointed when nothing seems to help!  But how can we create change…when we keep doing the same things that don’t work?  So we have to look beyond what we know…take a sidestep view and consider taking positive actions we’d not considered options before – just to take us to the next stepping stone!

It helps to see our route forward as stepping-stones. It means instead of seeing the big, unmanageable problem, we try to identify small ways to reduce our problem or make it easier to cope with  – one forward step at a time, until we’ve navigated our way out of the dark tunnel, which can become a safe hiding place for a little while, or the prison we can’t escape from, that keeps us locked into our despair.

This tunnel leads us into the unknown and is where we battle ourselves to find answers we don’t know, solutions we can’t see.  And if we get overwhelmed by our circumstances, this is where depression can set in and distort our ability to think clearly or positively, and where we start to believe we haven’t got what it takes to get through this…!  But you have…you just haven’t used those skills yet.  But they’re there, waiting for you to identify them – maybe you just need someone else to help you along the way, to see what you can’t see, or do what you can’t do!  We all need help at some time…!

You are so much stronger than you realise! But how will you find your true power if you’re not given challenges? So mentally channel strength and courage into your heart….give yourself more time to learn what you need to know… find what you need to find! You are not alone…even if you feel you are.  As regardless of whether you’re religious or not, you are an energetic being, meaning you are a spiritual being with access to helpers from many realms, who can stand by your side as you find your way through the darkness.  Just trust they are there.  Ask the angels/God/deity for help, to give you strength and courage to tolerate your inner emotions and calm your troubled mind.  To send people into your life that can support you at your time of need.  Then look for them, they will be there…!

Remember, depression may be the main problem now, so whilst other issues needs attention, depression needs attending to first! If you believe you’re not depressed, but are considering self-harming, then I have to tell you that you ARE depressed.  Which means there is a chemical disruption in your body that makes your mind think bad thoughts. Thoughts that are not true! Depression makes a mountain out of a molehill, depression turns a summer shower into a full-blown wintery storm…depression distorts logic, reason, beliefs, truth…it is very powerful!  But our conscious mind is stronger, wiser…once we know how to use it in a positive, structured way!

Stuck emotional energy can make us depressed and feel bad.  One of the easiest ways I’ve found to get energy unstuck is by tapping…EFT(emotional freedom technique).  It can have immediate affect…everything you need to know about tapping can be found on-line!  It’s worth knowing about as it can reduce your emotional pain in an instant, and give you a clearer mind!

Your mind can take you into the darkness and lead you out of it!  Depression makes us think dark thoughts, whereas using positive affirmations mean we can use our mental energy to create energetic changes in our life that make us feel better.  So, when you think bad thoughts, immediately cancel them out and affirm…

 ‘All is well in my life’ or…

‘My life and situation is getting better and better each day’ or…

 ‘I am healthy, happy and well. And protected at all times’.

I know you don’t believe them now…But the more you balance the negative thoughts with positive statements, the more stable your thoughts, emotions and life will become. So say these or other positive statements often – they will create new neural pathways in your mind that can attract good things toward you, and counteract the dark thoughts.

Our thoughts can literally change our life…one way or another. You choose how…!

I also know the despair that each day brings, where instead of waking up and embracing opportunities that a fresh day brings, our mind takes us harshly back to OUR reality.  Where there’s nothing to get up for, nothing to do with our precious time and skills.  Nothing we can do to change our miserable existence.  However, I’ve learned that what appears the hardest route, is often the easiest!  So as depression and anxiety can make us feel exhausted, you may think that staying in bed or sleeping on the settee all day may be the easiest way to cope with your nothingness.  But let me tell you it just adds to your misery…as whilst you do nothing, nothing will change! So do something positive each day, however small…it will act like a stepping stone that will get you unstuck!

Taking small positive actions and physical exercise is REALLY important when depressed – it gets stuck energy moving.  You don’t have to do loads, as just walking or running around the block a couple of times a day will stimulate your mind and help you feel more grounded.  So whilst going out or being with others is the last thing you feel like doing, just remember if you do the positive things to help depression, like setting yourself small goals, walking in the fresh air for a while each day, or meeting some friends, you may start to feel better and more ‘normal’.

What you ingest plays a big part in how you feel…!  If you are taking drugs, alcohol, living on junk food or starving yourself, your physical health will be affected, which will in turn cause changes to your moods, making it feel as though they are in control of you, rather than the other way round.

I know you might not be bothered about these things, but they affect how you feel.  And if we feel bad it helps to know why…then we can take corrective action!

When we are consumed by anguish, our vision is blocked and distorted. So when facing your darkest moment, remember time changes everything!  Tomorrow could be the day your luck and life improves.  Make the decision to wait a bit longer…just in case!  As the tomorrow, that’s the start of new things to come for you, will soon become today…where today is the day you start encouraging yourself to get life back in good order…today is when you find the answers you’ve been looking for, or the help you so need!  Today is the day when life seems worth living again!

But more than that…I want you to remember this …if you kill yourself, you will never get to find what you’ve been looking for! So all of your pain and suffering would have been for nothing…your life futile…because you did not see it through the tunnel, out into the light, where you reach the part of your experience where you get to reap the rewards for your efforts!

There are so many things I wanted to write in this article, but it would make it too long…too much to take in when you feel as you do! So even though I’ve spent over a week trying to get this article ‘right’, I have to accept I can’t say it all here and I might not say it in the best way. But I hope I’ve conveyed something that will help you believe that whilst there’s so much in life we don’t know about, we have to learn through experience.  And though we may be ready to experience new things, and have to wait until the time is ready for ‘it’ to appear, we still have to take small actions to get us where we need to be. Small steps that lead us out of the tunnel of darkness and despair, and nearer to our goals!

As I’ve matured I’ve learned that the biggest problem I have in my life is me…my attitude, my expectations, my lack of self-confidence…my fear!  We are so frightened of who we think we are!  So instead of berating myself about not being good enough, like I used to, I’m glad I can see personality aspects that make life more difficult for me.  As then I can redesign them to become more profitable instead of destructive. This is good to know, as instead of trying to change other people, when we accept the power we have over ourselves we can change who we are, and create a personality that works for us, not against us!

We have to learn how to be brave…but it’s not always easy!

Life is meant to be an arena where we fight our destructive egotistic tendencies and replace them with love, compassion, trust and hope.  And as we win each battle of wills, we become a little bit stronger, a little wiser, and a bit more confident as life becomes a little easier.  I know this is true…as even though it was desperately hard at my darkest moments, I somehow found the strength inside me and waited for the future…I waited for the good things to come…!  What has changed for the better…?  Me…and my life!

I am so glad I stayed…I really hope you choose to stay too…!

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I’ve been feeling in a quandary for a long time about my lack of ability to focus on me, my work, and earning money that would make my life a whole lot easier.  I know responsibilities I have toward vulnerable members of my family don’t take ALL my time and energy.  At least they don’t need to!  But there’s still the issue of where I put my attention when I’m alone at home!  Do I think about my stuff and what I need to do about it, or do I continue to worry about other’s problems, feelings and needs, and concentrate on how I can best help them feel better! It is usually the latter, I’m afraid to say!  But this way of living isn’t working any more for me.  Something has to change – and quickly!

Life is about ebbs and flows of intensity it seems, and this week for me has culminated in being a time of extreme emotional discomfort, as my problems magnified my emotional intensity, irritating panic, and need to find the answers that will take my life off of the ‘PAUSE’ button – at least for a time!

I am assertive and can usually ask for what I want and need!  But lately I’ve felt my internal power reducing, my confidence weakening even further!  ‘For Gods sake, how much lower have I got to go before I see what I’ve got to do, what I’ve got to change’ I cried in frustration, as I could still feel the nausea in my solar plexus, that I’d been feeling for the past four days!  ‘Why won’t I let myself sort me out?’!

I’ve been taking a remedy given to me by my friend Gary Johnson, an expert in Cellular Vibrational Therapy (http://www.garyjohnson.org.uk/gary-johnson), after I’d asked him for help a couple of weeks ago.  So I realised that as his powerful remedies always work on really deep issues, the emotional intensity I was experiencing was probably caused by the remedy, pushing the energy of those issues to the surface, to be released!  Because I like to understand what’s happening to my energetic system, I usually try to work with the remedy and identify how I’m feeling and why, and if there’s anything I need to do to help myself further!  This time was no different, so because I’ve felt so intense, I’ve dedicated this morning to me, and decided to meditate in order to intuitively find some answers!

As I meditated I was interested to see my Sister of Mercy appear.  She normally carries a very large folder containing loads of loose papers, but this time the folder was much thinner, with just a few sheets of paper remaining.  I’m always working on my progress, one way or another, not always with obvious results I would add!  Thus it became apparent that whilst I’d been feeling so frustrated, because I thought I wasn’t moving forward; on an energetic spiritual level I’d actually got rid of old baggage (represented by the reduction of the huge file).  This made me feel better immediately, as now I know I’ve not just been wasting my time!  Then she showed me a page which said simply…’Chrissie Batten – The Psychicologist’!  Strange – I’ve never heard the word ‘psycicologist’ before, but I’ll definitely give it some thought!

Feeling more relaxed I placed my attention on to why I felt so stuck.  There’s always a logical reason for everything we do, often hidden deep in our unconscious mind. So as I needed to find the internal reasoning that was ultimately blocking me from living my own life, I asked myself… why wasn’t I meeting my needs?  Why did I consider other people as priority over my life?  As my mind started to wander along recent memories of family members I’d been helping, who I worried so much about, I started to get echoes of the past, to the time of my father, who died in 1976.

It might help you understand if I provide a bit of background info!  My parents separated in 1975, after he had a ten-year on/off affair with the office secretary. The shame of this event at that time felt really bad, and my mother was filled with toxic emotion that had no-where to go, as there was no such thing as ‘counsellors’ then!  What could she do?  So when she’d had enough of the lies, deceit, being made to feel bad about herself and life, she gave him the ultimatum! They’d been married over forty years, yet he chose the other woman over her, even though he’d promised to stop the affair many times!

Anyone whose parents have split, will understand the pain and turmoil that happens to children who are caught in the middle, who get pulled emotionally in so many different directions. As regardless of how much we try to stay out of it, or protect them from it, we can’t!  I was twenty-eight at the time, married with one child.  But it still like felt my world had fallen apart!  When my own marriage failed in 1999, I was very aware that my adult children would suffer as much as I did.  And although I knew I’d made the right decision for me at the time, I deeply regretted that this had to happen to them!

Anyway, back to dad!  When affairs occur, there’s also an element of wishful thinking, such as ‘If only we could find a way to be together all of the time’ which dulls the reality of common sense! The OW had children, and also a child by my father.  So when dad moved in with the OW he spent what little money he had on replacing her washing machine, fridge, cooker, buying stuff for her and the kids (he wouldn’t spend anything on my mum).  But soon there were problems!  Who can escape them?  The husband wanted her back, started trying to woo her in various ways, and kept pressurising her to throw my dad out of their house.

Although my dad no longer had contact with my mum, he used to visit me regularly.  One day, when he was eating dinner, he started crying.  I’d only ever seen him cry once before, when I was about nine, after our pet dog had been put to sleep. So it sort of startled me, to see him sobbing in front of me.  When I asked him why he was crying, he said it was all about the split-up and the problems he was having because of the OW and her husband!  ‘But I thought it was what you wanted’ I exclaimed to him, not fully understanding, in my naivety, why he was crying about getting something he wanted!

He thought he needed money to keep the OW, but he didn’t have any – he’d already spent what he did have on her.  We’ve never been a rich family, and the truth is money has always been tight!  So I never had any spare cash I could give him!  I had £2 left in my purse, and told him he could take that.  But he said it wasn’t enough! As now he didn’t have enough work as a driving instructor to ‘buy’ her, she wanted him to leave.  He’d told her ‘The only way you’ll get me out of here is in a box!’.

He was my dad, and it hurt to see him in so much turmoil.  Him and mum had only been separated for three months, yet it felt much longer! I was also in turmoil, as I wanted to tell him to go back to mum.  She’d forgive him!  I knew she would, because although she was so angry because of what he did, she still loved him! But he’d mucked us all about for ten years, he’d made his choice, now he would have to deal with it!  I didn’t tell him this though!  I just gave him a cuddle, and said it would probably take a bit more time for it all to sort itself out!

When he rang the next week on Thursday to ask if he could come over that afternoon, I was busy with some school stuff!  So I said I’d see him the next day, Friday, when I’d cook him a nice dinner.  I asked if he was okay, he said he was!  That night, at 11.30 pm, I was on the phone to my mother. As we lived twenty miles apart, we had late night chats!  Whilst we were talking I felt worried when I heard her doorbell ring!  ‘Be careful mum’ I said to her, ‘ask who it is, before you open the door’!  I listened on the other end of the phone, tensely waiting, wondering why someone would be calling so late!  I pictured my mum opening the street door, hearing the door open.  There was the sound of low voices before I heard my mum making a sound I couldn’t make out.  She came back on the phone and said ‘I’ll call you back in a minute’, before slamming the phone down on the receiver!

Have you ever had that terrible feeling of being absolutely powerless in a crisis?  Well that’s what I felt then! I knew it must be something serious because of the late night visit.  But from whom? My mind started to race in fear. Twenty minutes later I apprehensively rang my mum, when she told me that it was the OW at the door, with the police.  ‘Tony (my dad) had taken an ‘overdose’, the OW had said.  ‘He was dead!’.

Actually, it didn’t take an overdose to kill him!  He used cyanide, where just a couple of granules is lethal!

So he’d thought about it, planned it, even spoke about it!  Yet no-one had heard him!  There was an inquest, where a letter was produced, that he had written to Marjorie Proops.  She was a famous Agony Aunt of that time, on T.V. and radio, and used to write in newspapers and magazines.  In the letter he spoke of his pain and confusion, and fear of being rejected by the OW.  But he never posted the letter – it was in his jacket pocket!  However, Marjorie Proops did get to hear of it, and replied through the media, where as she spoke of the letter and it’s contents, she wrote something like… ‘This poor man had no-one to turn to for help when he needed it most’.  Which infuriated me at the time, because he did have someone.  He had his wife and family.  He had me!  So why couldn’t I have stopped him from doing what he did?  Why didn’t he tell me how bad he felt?  Why didn’t I realise he was so depressed and desperate?

The dysfunction thinking that ‘If only…’ statements create, abounded at the time… and since…

*If only I’d seen how unhappy he was, I might have been able to talk him into going back to mum!

*If only I’d intervened somehow, and made sure he and mum stayed together!

*If only I’d know what he was planning I might have been able to get him some help!

*If only I’d had more time, and could have done more for him!

*If only I’d not said no, when he asked to visit me that day, he might still be alive!

*If only he hadn’t killed himself, I would not be feeling so bad!

So there it was…the reason why I find it so hard to refuse help to those in crisis!  My fear that I was somehow responsible for his death!  And the fear that only overwhelming emotional pain can manifest, that I was afraid I would not be able to cope with it again!

Logically I can say that I wasn’t responsible for what he did – how could I be?  But deep down I wonder whether, if he had visited me that day, he might have been able to express his intent, as a cry for the help he so desperately needed.  I also wonder whether the reason why he wanted to visit that day was to ask for help, or to say goodbye?

I was probably the last person he spoke to!  …But he died feeling unloved!  …But we all still loved him so much!!

This has been a powerful realisation for me today!  I knew I had these thoughts of regret and guilt locked away deep inside my mind and heart, and have often worked on them in the past.  He committed suicide over thirty years ago. But there were residues left, that were enough to create the preventative logic that I created as a consequence of my father’s suicide, and which goes something like this….

….‘I must stop people feeling too overwhelmed, in case they can’t cope and kill themselves, or become ill and die(other childhood issues created this)..BECAUSE…I can’t cope with this (loss) happening again!’.

Deep rooted fears can, given time, often present as a self-fulfilling prophecy! This almost did, whilst I contemplated my own demise, which I may write about another time!  But for now I have more self-healing to do, by monitoring my motivations, thoughts and ensuring I walk the right pathway for me .  And now that I understand the reasons why my personal logic was so protective toward others, in order to protect me from suffering further, I feel more able to take appropriate, corrective action, and say ‘No, I can’t do it today!’ when necessary.  But it’s not going to be easy, as even as I write this I can feel the panic rise when I make that simple statement!

Small steps in the right direction though, eh! Better get another remedy ready Gary…!!

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There’s so many people suffering with anxiety and depression at the moment, who believe they are powerless to change what’s happening to them.  Their mind and emotions fill their whole being with dread and fearful thoughts, panic, and emotional rushes of irrational terror, that appears to have a valid cause, creating even more fear thoughts and feelings.

The most obvious option, when we’re feeling overwhelmed by ourselves, is to visit our doctor.  But whilst prescribed drugs may appear to be the easy answer to ‘curing our malady’, the consequences of drug addiction and side effects paint a more disturbing picture, that can dramatically increase our suffering! And whilst we would do ANYTHING to find a way to feel better, we must remember that even though we’re not thinking straight, we can still think.  We can still make decisions, albeit with help!  We still have choices!  We still have our personal power!  We can still help ourselves! And whilst all of these things may be temporarily disabled by our dark mind, our light mind is still there, waiting to return us back to full awareness!

I have suffered with depression all of my life! YES, even as a young child!  I’ve had breakdowns, agoraphobia, eating disorders, obsessive compulsive disorders.  Oh dear, that makes me sound so weak, sad, needy and wrong (residues of old programming).  And as I write this and say what I have, I feel the shame still sitting in my stomach.  The shame that I couldn’t cope!  The shame that I thought I was mentally insane!  The shame that I was not strong enough to cope with me!

I have battled with my mind and emotions for as long as I can remember, and I know what it’s like when you feel as though you have lost control of your mind, your life, your future!  It is ABSOLUTELY… FUCKING… TERRIFYING!!!

But, even though you feel terrified, scared, despairing, alone, futile, worthless and powerless – YOU ARE NOT going to remain this way!  All of these feelings are created because your mind is low (simple term for serotonin imbalance/ low vibration mind creations/lack of confidence).  So whilst they may be true of the moment, because that’s how it feels, there is usually SOMETHING we can do to help ourselves in some way!

There are different types and levels of depression, with different causes, which I won’t go into here.  As my point of writing is to let you know what made the biggest differences to me, during my worst times!

The whole point of depression is to create change to our lives!  It helps to understand this! But once we enter into it, we have to work our way out by doing the things we’ve been putting off prior to feeling unwell – like doing things that are good for us, make us feel happy, reduce our stress, support our physical, emotional and mental well-being!

Be aware that everything that is happening is of an energetic nature. When we’re depressed we’re caught up in negative energy vibrations, which won’t release until we deliberately introduce positive energetic elements into our life.  Positive and Negative energetic forces are as strong as each other.  What matters is where we place our energetic attention.  If we constantly focus on how bad we feel, we will attract more negativity into our lives, which means more negative thinking and feeling.  And even though it feels the hardest thing in the world to do when we are feeling so bad, refraining from keep talking about how bad we feel, and using positive thoughts as affirmations, are the easiest ways to introduce a doorway to the light into our darkened world!

You don’t have to believe affirmations when you say them initially. Just use the words to open the door to the light! Every morning and any time I felt overwhelmed I’d say ‘All is well in my world.  I am feeling healthier and better each day!’. Of course I didn’t believe this statement, as I felt so bad all the time. And to be honest, even though I know what I know about spirit, energy, life, me, I didn’t believe anything could help me to feel better! But after a while I noticed how this thought seemed to stop the fear thoughts that were trying to surface!  Eventually as I became more convinced that small improvements to my mood were appearing, and thus used the statements with intent to create a better and healthier me, I created a new neural pathway that I could use to escape the compulsive rise in terror, panic and anxiety!

Don’t believe your thoughts when feeling depressed. These type of thoughts tell us lies, unless they are positively driven to healing and aiding your recovery! Our ego-driven fear wants us to stay weak so it can stay strong! Accept that you’re not well, your thoughts are not accurate at this time, and resist the urge to get carried along on the platform of panic, that constantly tries to knock you off your feet!

When we get surges of anxiety and panic it’s better to let them rise and pass by saying ‘I allow these thoughts to rise and pass’ instead of catching them, analysing them and believing their fearful messages!  Feel the energy run downwards through your feet, or upwards through the top of your head as you make the statement! Learning to work with our own energy is very empowering on all levels of our being!

Regardless of how unmotivated you feel, aim to achieve at least one thing each day.  Setting yourself a target and reaching it encourages positive chemical reaction linked to pleasure.  And although you may not feel it at first, setting seeds this way will provide a platform for further positive focus and action!  The target need only be small.  If you’ve been laying on the couch every day for a couple of months/weeks, then taking a walk during the day is a breakthrough!  If you’ve been putting off paperwork, chores etc., choose one from the list and make sure you do it.  Keep it easy and simple to start with.  I still use this approach to keep me motivated!

We need sleep to allow our turbulent mind to rest.  But too much sleep has an adverse affect that can make us feel worse.  When we’re depressed, even though we feel exhausted, we have to make ourselves more physically and mentally active, to stimulate our Serotonin levels.  Walking, dancing, meditating, positive conversations, reading a good book – anything that moves our energy towards positivity! This is a real big challenge!

Drugs and alcohol exacerbate depression, and although they might help to act as a sticking plaster, they do not help it or us long-term, in any way!!  There are many complementary therapies that are great for rebalancing our energy, and that do not involve ingesting harmful chemicals. And although you have to pay for this type of therapy, you have the power to choose who helps, and what help suits you best!

When we are caught in depression, it can feel like our world has collapsed.  Everything appears so bleak and futile, and we wonder if our life is worth living!  And the worst thing is knowing that we are the controllers of our progress or fall!  We are the ones who determine how long we stay depressed!  No one can fix us! But all this is controlled by the thoughts we think, the actions that we take! And though the days and nights may be long and painful, there will be good thoughts and moments popping in now and again.  And as you start looking for and counting these good moments, they will turn into hours, then days.  Then eventually, there will be more good days than bad!

I now realise depressive feelings are something I’ll have to manage long-term.  I have to be aware of the signs that motivate me to take evasive action, like getting more sleep, sorting out the strife in my mind, doing something for me – just for me! Life is changing for us at the moment, causing many problems.  And whilst there may be a specific problem that has caused your reactive depression, that you feel unable to change, I want to remind you that you can and must work with your depression, as that is the priority problem now!  Working against it, resisting it or giving in to it, will only prolong your suffering!

I feel quite frustrated whilst writing because there’s so much more I want to say.  But I promised myself I would keep my articles brief, as I know I get carried away sometimes!

So my heart cries out to all of you who are suffering from depression … ’Please don’t give up!  Don’t let fear destroy your life!  Please allow other people in to help you motivate yourself into positive action!’.  As even though you are walking through the tunnel of darkness at the moment, fighting the trials that depression bestows upon us, you are so much stronger and braver than you think you are – with or without pills!

You are the hero at the centre of your storm.  You must make sure you win the battle of light and dark aspects of your personality by choosing to use the mind that wallows in love, not fear action!

You can and will win.  I know.  I’ve done it many times!!

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I just went to bed, but an intense thought motivated me to get up and write this blog!

I’d been feeling unsettled for some time, about the turbulence in so many of our lives.  ‘Is there no-one who is happy, confident, optimistic, and whose life is in perfect order?’ I asked myself!  My worry thought surfaced, and I needed to do something with it.  But what could I do?

Then, it occurred to me that there may be others with a worry thought they might just want to express.  So that’s what this blog is about today.  A place just to leave your worry thought!  There’s no need to explain your thought, or reply to posts, unless you want to of course.  It’s just a place to share your thought and free it from your mind!

So here goes mine….

Hi, my name is Chrissie, and I’m worried about the escalating problems in the world, and wonder how bad they will become in the future, and if life will ever become ‘good’ again?

Is there a thought you would like to share……?

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So many blogs I’m reading are about the writer sharing their painful experiences.  Where readers comment and share their own experiences, and offer support for the author.  It appears that resonance enables each of us to appreciate each others’ suffering!

So when I posted my last blog I decided to do more sharing, which hopefully would help others in similar predicaments. But when I think about sharing some of my painful experiences through my blog, I freeze inside, my breathing gets faster, I feel panic start to rise in my body and mind! So whilst I can share what’s in my heart relatively easily, I find it very difficult to disclose or share the experiences in my life that have hurt me most!

I suppose that’s how it’s always been for me!  And I wonder if things will ever be different, for at age 64 some of my tendencies are well and truly ingrained!  However, because of my reaction to the sharing prompt, I owe it to myself to take a closer look as to what impedes my ability to communicate my pain to others. So that’s what I’ve been doing over the last few days!

But as I searched through my memories of how I never wanted to ‘make a fuss’ or cause problems for my over-worked mother, other memories and emotions surfaced, creating a whirlpool in my mind of incessant chattering thoughts, that have made me feel crap! Because as the thoughts rise and I question, analyse, cancel them out, or simply acknowledge them, they increase!  The chatter gets louder and stronger, and I feel tired and worn out from struggling to stay in control of my mind, and the stimulus to my emotions.

I feel worried that I recognise the pressure in my ears and the tightness and tingling at the top of my head! I know my blood pressure has risen because my heart beats faster, my breathing is more shallow, where the physical symptoms of stress are causing more fearful thoughts, such as ‘Am I going to have a heart attack or stroke?’.

This is a deep fear I’ve had since watching a woman die of heart attack on television when I was five.  I’d woken from a nightmare, got up and went into the dimly lit living room where my parents were watching a film on our newly acquired television (before that we only had radio). I ran and sat on my father’s lap (I was a daddy’s girl)and as I nestled my head on his chest, I watched the screen and saw a woman running along a beach, breathing hard, clutching her chest. Her young daughter had just died!  Her heart beat loudly… b.bang – b.bang – b.bang! Suddenly the beating got faster, then more erratic.  Then, as she dropped down onto the sand, the beating stopped and there was a loud silence!

I can’t remember the name of the film, but can remember the impact of that short scene, on a television screen that looked very real to a five-year old child, who’d already felt frightened by her nightmare!  Since then I started to monitor my heartbeat.  Is it too fast, too slow, is it going to stop!  And yes, I have worked on this issue, it has improved a great deal, but the remnants are still there!

I wonder if I’m going insane as I know the irritating voices are mine, the arguments  are mine! And it’s my thoughts that are causing my distress. It scares me that I’m visiting old territory of past torment, that I’ve tried so hard to escape from! Torment that is like a volcano preparing to erupt, as the pressure in my mind makes me feel like I’m getting ready to explode, scream or whatever!

However, I’ve learned that even though this storm is in my head, I can still think!  I can still take positive action other than getting carried along to the explosion point of uncontrollable action!  And this calms me down!  As I remind myself of what I know, I breath deeply as I tell myself….’I am C.A.L.M, my mind is C.A.L.M., my body is C.A.L.M.’  I allow myself to feel the calmness drizzle through my muscles. I take a few more calming breaths and feel the tension in my head reduce slightly.  This gives me the confidence to do some more calming statements, before using EFT tapping to sort out the residual issues!

And even though I’ve been feeling bad for a few days, no-one else knows!  Why?  Because I haven’t told them!  Ah ha – pattern apparent!  Why didn’t I tell?  Well for a start everyone has got their own problems to deal with, so why would they want mine!  If I did tell hubby how I was feeling he wouldn’t have a clue about how to help me, or make me feel better (communication isn’t his thing!).  And what’s the point of telling anyone how I feel if no-one can do anything about my problems?  So, I persist in trying to work them out in my head!  I repeat this pattern time after time, and this is why!!

I know how it feels, when intrusive thoughts fill your head until it feels like it’s going to explode.  Where the cycle of fear goes round and round in your mind, because no consolation or answers can be found.  Where there’s little sleep, because nightmares haunt your mind, even during the night! And where you wonder if you will survive this episode, or if your mind will ever think differently!

And even if you did want to share your dilemma, you don’t know how to start, or what to say, or even how to convey the intensity of what you are thinking and feeling!  Who would understand you, who would know how to best help you, who would know how to make you feel better?  And are your problems real, are they valid and worthy to cause such distress, or is your pain being caused by you because you’re over-reacting, making a mountain out of a molehill, making a fuss about nothing!

I’ve lived with mental anguish most of my life, and thankfully survived the conflicts my mind has caused.  I honestly don’t know if that will ever change. However, I tend to try to live day by day now, and whereas each day was a bad day, for a long, long time, there are many better or even good days now, where life becomes precious once again! Until the next temporary depressive episode that is!

So when we face our darkest moments, even if there is one dominant, destructive voice we hear all the time, that tells us to do bad things, we have to remember that we have many voices in our head!  And if we look and listen for it, we may find the voice of intuitive reason, that tells us we are strong, the world is a safe place, we are worthy, and that we will find the happiness we seek once we start to take more positive action.

When we’re caught up in our turmoil, it’s hard to steady ourselves if we just focus on the problems of how we think, feel and our negative experiences. But when we have problems sharing our worrying thoughts, our pain creates a bubble of mental and emotional turbulence, that can negatively affect us on every level of our being.  When we feel overwhelmed by ourselves, life stand still!  We can get stuck, going deeper and deeper into the pit of despair (as per one of my previous blogs).  And if you can’t help yourself to find a way out of the darkness, you owe it to yourself to find someone who can help you do what you can’t!

There are very few people I am willing to trust with my deepest, most painful memories, meaning I’ve had to learn how to cope with my distress alone, learn how to tolerate who I am, learn to recognise the warning signs that indicate I am not safe to look after me! Yet because of this way of coping, I have become extremely resourceful!

I used to pray for peace of mind, as though there was some sort of miracle that could immediately take away all the worries pounding my mind!.  I know now that my mind is like a computer…if you try running too many programmes at once, it will crash!  So I monitor myself, to try to catch myself before I get too low.  And remember that even in our darkest moments we can learn from our experience.  As when we focus on that new learning, which is what we need to do differently in the future, we cut ourselves off from having to experience the pain of our past!

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At the beginning of this year I knew intuitively that this was going to be a testing year for us all.  I felt really strongly that 2012 would be a year when we would move where we needed to be, do what we needed to do, change what we needed to change.  A year where we would face challenges that would expose our deepest Self, as opposed to being hidden by our ego nature. And although I did feel apprehensive about what I would have to face, considering past experiences, I knew that often life takes control of our fate, and all we can do is deal with the fall-out!

Because we have to be ready for our next soul step,  facing the tribulations of change is an important factor in our preparation to find our authentic Self!  And even though I fully understand the concept behind …‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’,  changing has been so much harder than I envisaged.  Where every aspect of my personality has been challenged, and I’ve had to use every technique I know, to keep myself grounded, sane and functioning!  And whereas at times I feel alone, as I isolate myself away whilst trying to cope with my experiences, I know there are so many others who, like me, are also having a tough time!

When I see others suffering, I hurt also.  I want to help them, fix them, advise them, console them.  And because of this, trying to understand why life is so painful, in order to avoid it, has been one of my hardest tasks.  As what it means is that I can’t allow myself to collapse under the weight of my thoughts and emotions any more.  I have to observe and understand myself, and find a way to console my mind, emotions and soul!   I can’t allow myself to have any more breakdowns that take so long to recover from! I have to find a way to tolerate myself and experiences!  I can’t allow myself to keep beating myself up for what I think I should have done, but haven’t! I have to be strong because I’ve ‘something’ to do!

What that something is, has caused me so many nightmares I can tell you!  Because I’ve not been able to identify an area to help within, or commit myself to anything specific, whereby I’ve put so much pressure on myself to get out there – wherever that is, to do it – whatever it is, and to teach it – whatever….you get the theme I’m sure!  I’ve learned so much, changed so much, and yet nothing seems any different!  There is still the pain, the confusion, the wondering,  and agonising thoughts that try to convince me that something bad is going to happen to me or my loved ones.  Thoughts that stimulate the battle of survival in my mind!

And whilst I try to convince myself that the world is a safe place to be, reality proves that it’s not! There’s increasing war, conflict, destructive manipulation of society, financial collusion.  I won’t go on, you already know what I know about all that!  How can we feel safe, when people in authority care for their power, supremacy, profits, but don’t care about what happens to us?  But we have to learn how to find our safety switch within ourselves, otherwise we will be forever at the mercy of people who have the power to manipulate our welfare!

Not so long ago I had a dream, where I envisaged myself teaching others, specifically children, what I had learned through my own pain.  This aim somehow gave me a reason why life has been such a hard slog! I thought that if I could share my experiences and how I’d come through them, then I could help them avoid the same painful pitfalls I’d dropped into!   I feel sad that children have to experience the pain of growing up.  The bullying, the minimisation and manipulation, the confusion caused by innocent ignorance! I wanted to tell them about their untrustworthy emotions and thoughts, and how their mind lies to them.  I wanted them to see that if they did things differently than children of the past, their life might be easier to cope with! I wanted to explain the concept of inferior/superior, where others will want us to feel small/bad, so that they can feel big/good, and how we believe them!

But something has happened to me, and I’m not quite sure what it is!

Things have been pretty intense for me during the last year, (and what feels like forever), where family responsibilities have dominated, leaving little energy left for my creative nature to express itself.  I couldn’t commit myself to anything because I’ve been, and still am on permanent standby for ‘emergencies’.

Our thoughts create our reality, and so because my thoughts have been so one-sided on family matters, I feel somehow that I’ve forgotten so many things that I knew!  And this scares me.  Am I losing my mind to dementia, or becoming ‘crazy’ again?  Years ago spiritual practice commanded ‘Live for today, in the moment’.  Well that’s where I’m living now, and it feels weird!  As I don’t plan tomorrow, I rarely think about yesterday.  It feels that life is being lived on an ad hoc basis, where it’s ‘as and when’ that dominates.  And I honestly don’t know whether this is a good or bad thing!

I know that when we’re preoccupied with worry and anxiety, our mind blocks itself to other things, because the mind can only concentrate on one thing at a time.  So if I’m worrying so much about one specific area, then my mind shuts off other less important things.  This is how we become depressed – because we can’t see the light at the end of our tunnel of darkness!  When our mind is fixed in anxiety, it’s difficult to see clarity or feel hope, optimism, excitement!

Our fear and anxiety can debilitate us in so many ways.  And although we try to avoid it, the universe has a way of thrusting it directly in our face, so we have no option other than deal with it. But each anxious moment has given me the opportunity to learn more about how I’m coping with me, my thoughts, my emotions, my attitude!  And like everyone else, instead of overcoming it, I have to learn how to live with my fear – as it’s not going to go away as easily as we’d thought!

Life still feels challenging in so many areas, but I have learned to tame my over-reactive nature to the point where I’m feeling more confident about self-management and less fearful about what’s going to happen.  Meaning, surprisingly, that even though I still feel stressed-out,  I feel better, more hopeful, inside my heart centre.

I’ve not been writing for a while because I’ve lacked mental energy, and clarity about many things.  And to be honest I reached the stage of ‘What’s the point!’.  It’s really hard for me to write about my pain, as I’m so used to dealing with it alone, in my head.  Where I weigh it all up, analyse it, understand what aspects of me are self-sabotaging, before I can move on .  But writing does help me identify and resolve problems. It pacifies my creative and helping nature, so maybe I’d better do more of it…!

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Because spiritual influences are helping our soul evolve beyond our reactive ego personality, by encouraging us to identify, clarify, develop and live by authentic truth, we will find it harder to be consoled by our addictions and negative habits.  They won’t bring us so much satisfaction, so eventually we will get tired of being disappointed by them and seek other ways of coping with our inner stirrings. Meaning that if we make the effort to work constructively with our fear, by not making ourselves even more afraid as we deal with changes in our lives, we can break free of old habits that have kept us trapped within fear filled limitations.

And although this process can feel distressing, because we are letting go of our comforters, we have to remember it’s a positive process that’s designed energetically to set us free from our negative self, that imposes restrictions to our growth and happiness.

I hurt when I see so many people, young and old, struggling to cope with the constant bombardment of challenges being imposed upon us all. There was a time not so long ago, when we could identify with those whose life was working well.  We could console our fears by saying ‘If they can do that then so can I’.  Our young people could witness success and aspire themselves toward it. But it’s much harder to find normal people(if there are such entities any more) whose life is working well. In fact it’s becoming increasingly harder to find anyone who hasn’t got some form of struggle going on at the moment.  Meaning it’s going to feel more difficult to feel optimistic and okay about life in general, and our mood may become less buoyant!

I’m not naive enough to believe that EVERYONE is in turmoil at the moment. As I know problems are being caused by an energetic  shift, that means wealth is being redistributed away from the majority, who as a consequence struggle with financial problems and health issues caused by an overload of stress, and passed onto the minority whose lives are becoming increasingly prosperous, successful and fulfilling.  But there is money out there, enough for everyone.  So why is there such an increasing and overwhelming lack in our lives, when others have so much more than us – more than they could possibly need?  What is the purpose for this?

Well they say money goes to money, and I believe that’s true!  As there’s an energy link to money, that if connected to, will attract more money.  The problem is that fear interferes with this abundance link.  So the poorer we get, the more afraid we become, and the more we get separated from our ability to generate more money!  So, even if we are terrified of losing what we’ve got because we’ve not got enough money coming into our lives, we can, and must still have confidence in our ability to connect to the energy of financial abundance.

This means instead of focussing on what we haven’t got, which makes us more anxious, we use affirming statements such as….’I am now willing to allow money to enter my life from all sources’ or  ‘I now release the need to suffer from poverty and accept the abundance of money that is rightfully mine to receive’.  One of the most effective ways to connect to abundance energy, or disconnect from our restraining mind-sets, is to use EFT.  There are loads of scripts already out there if you Google or go to You Tube.

The main thing is not to let fear stop us from creating a better way of life for ourselves.  But if we focus on fear, we will become more afraid!  So, remember, even if you’re afraid of whatever, you can still be strong, creative and successful!

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