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Posts Tagged ‘Despair’

Whilst I’m writing a series of articles under the heading ‘Inside The Mind Of A Fat Person’, I will acknowledge right now that I KNOW that not all FP are unhappy, as there are many FP/TP who have a well-rounded personality, and make the best of themselves and their lives.  So I guess the point I’m trying to make is that whilst all FP may be fat, not all FP have the same problematic issues!

However, FAT is a very explicit word, in that it can create or evoke negative images, distorted perceptions and reactions, terror, depression, and even suicidal tendencies!  FAT is a very powerful word!  FAT can kill you, ruin your life, scare you to death! FAT, just like fear, can make you do things you don’t want to do, and stop you doing the very things that would make your life happy and successful!

In many FP, FAT is all they feel, and thus all they become!  When they catch sight of their body they don’t see themselves as a loving soul – they just see FAT!  When they think about their relationships, they don’t see intimacy, togetherness and love – they see the separateness of FAT!  When they think about their future life, they don’t see opportunities for joy and happiness – they just see the problems associated to being FAT!! Where eventually, ALL they see about themselves is FAT!

The majority of FP hate being fat, so this means that once they’ve reached the ‘Totality of FAT’ they also hate themselves as much as they hate the FAT! Where life becomes a battle of survival against FAT and all that it means! There is little space in this fat, fear-filled world, to feel self-compassion.  As deep down you know you’ve only yourself to blame for what you are!  You deserve all the shit because you’ve not got what it takes to stop shovelling food into your mouth, or to exercise your huge body that makes it so difficult to breathe and move around!

You know this because that’s what the experts tell you isn’t it? They (the never-been-fat, text-book experts) say that it’s easy to lose weight if you do the right things!  Of course we all know it’s easy to lose weight – as long as there’s nothing stopping you from doing so!  Also, how many FP lose weight and keep it off permanently?  So instead of constantly bombarding FP with failure messages, because of failed diets, we should be looking to heal the fragmented personality that is hidden within the FP, so they can consciously recreate themselves and their lives! (I’ll discuss this further in later articles). And stop continually emphasising the negative aspects of being fat!

Most people have days where they look at themselves and feel unhappy about a part of themselves they deem imperfect.  This is normal!  And if it’s something like the hair, nails, colour of lipstick, clothes, superficial things which can be easily rectified, we usually feel better about ourselves once we’ve taken some remedial action.  However, overweight is something that doesn’t have an instant fix!

I feel much better about myself when I am not so heavy, where life somehow becomes easier to tolerate!   Yet even when I’m plump, rather than morbidly obese, I’ve still viewed my body in a negative way. I’ve often wondered what it would be like to completely love yourself.  What it would feel like to be uninhibited about who you are, your talents, your body, you!  How it would feel, to not be ashamed to show who you are to the world!  To not cringe when you walk into a crowded room or meet new people! To not be afraid every minute of the day, that life will never change from how it is, or that you will die an early death because you are fat….!

I imagine that if I was thinner many of my problems would dissolve very quickly! Which is why, like other FP, I yearn to reduce my overweight!

Mind you, I have to be honest and say I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who is 100% happy with who they are.  As regardless of how confident people look and sound, there’s always something that each of us feels not good enough about, whether it’s the shape of our body, the colour of our hair, the pimple on our face, or even because we lack certain skills that we perceive everyone else has.  There’s always something to feel ashamed about!

But whereas some things can remain ‘Our little secret’, where you can use avoidance techniques to stop other people realising what you lack, being fat is not one of them!

Whilst there are those who are fat but feel thin, and those who are thin but feel fat, there are of course different types of ‘fatness’.  There are those who are just a little overweight, commonly labelled ‘rounded’ or ‘plump’, ranging to the other extreme where the individual is ‘morbidly obese’ and visibly hugely overweight.  There are those who have slowly or quickly gained weight due to their lifestyle, eating habits or medication, and there are those who have been fat for all, or most of their life!

Then there are others who are normal or under weight, but still perceive themselves as being fat, because they have a psychological condition called…..BODY DYSMORPHIC DISORDER.

People with BDD are excessively worried about a part of their body which they perceive to be defective. For example a small mole on the face may not be that noticeable, but if that person is insecure about themselves, that mole can actually look and feel like a huge mountain to them, even though in reality it’s not! So, as focus on the mole becomes more frequent, where constant attempts are made to hide it in some way, the BDD develops and gets stronger until that person sees nothing about themselves – except the mole!

Whilst any area of the body can be involved in BDD, the face seems most common.  And regardless of how much others offer reassurance that there is no defect, people with BDD continue to believe they are faulty!  And will devise their own ways of trying to hide their defect or themselves away from the world, because they fear being ridiculed, criticised or even noticed!

BDD usually starts in adolescence when people are most insecure and sensitive about their appearance, and is common in people with a history of depression, anxiety or social phobia – because these people already have a distorted perception of themselves and life.  However, I fear that because young children are so much more aware of their physical image nowadays, as obesity issues escalate, the incidence of BDD will be seen more often in younger children. Where their lives will be filled with unnecessary problems, caused because of their conditioned belief that being fat makes you less than other people!

Because BDD often occurs with obsessive-compulsive disorder or generalised anxiety disorder, it may also exist alongside an eating disorder.  However, because FP/TP, and others who experience self-critical problems feel such a strong sense of shame about themselves anyway, they may not realise they have this disorder. Which once identified, can often be treated – just like other mental health problems!

Many FP/TP are obsessive about the way they look.  They worry, fret, anticipate the worst, misinterpret, hide, over-react,  simply because of how they perceive themselves to be.  Just like those with BDD, FP/TP do exaggerate their flaws, it’s all part of their conditioning and their condition. So it’s worth considering the aspects of BDD, and psychological treatment options that involve dealing directly with personality issues, as this may help the individual recognise that maybe they are not as fat as they thought!

**Because I don’t like fixing one problem by creating another, I personally do not advocate taking medication for anxiety/stress, when there are so many other beneficial ways of dealing with it.  Especially Emotional Freedom Technique, which anyone can learn to do, and which can change your whole outlook on life once you’ve learned how to use it for yourself! However, do not stop taking any prescribed medication without first consulting your GP.

Being fat does not mean the end of our world.  It doesn’t mean we are less than others.  It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be alive, happy, successful or well! But when we are a FP we forget this, as we judge ourselves according to what we believe others perceive us to be – unacceptable as we are! But we are wrong to think this way!  And we are also wrong to think that dieting will magically fix our life and our problems – as it doesn’t always work that way!

If you are a FP, or anyone with a self-defect that dominates your existence, this message is for you…

* Stop living your life as though you are defective – YOU ARE NOT!

* Start to treat each day as a new beginning – the day where you can take new action to get you healthier!

* Stop giving your focus, time and power to your defect – start looking for new, positive ways to improve your life and morale!

Remember that whatever we give our attention to grows! So if you constantly think about how defective you are those feelings, fear and dysfunctions will increase!

Modify your thinking to include more optimistic thoughts about life, and the support you have around you. Then acknowledge to yourself and the world that… you are more than your weight (or defect).  You are a star on this earth, so let your light shine, and allow yourself to be all of whom you are meant to be – regardless of how much you weigh!

Then, once you start feeling happier, your mind and your body may feel safe enough to let go of the need to be overweight!

 

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There’s so many people suffering with anxiety and depression at the moment, who believe they are powerless to change what’s happening to them.  Their mind and emotions fill their whole being with dread and fearful thoughts, panic, and emotional rushes of irrational terror, that appears to have a valid cause, creating even more fear thoughts and feelings.

The most obvious option, when we’re feeling overwhelmed by ourselves, is to visit our doctor.  But whilst prescribed drugs may appear to be the easy answer to ‘curing our malady’, the consequences of drug addiction and side effects paint a more disturbing picture, that can dramatically increase our suffering! And whilst we would do ANYTHING to find a way to feel better, we must remember that even though we’re not thinking straight, we can still think.  We can still make decisions, albeit with help!  We still have choices!  We still have our personal power!  We can still help ourselves! And whilst all of these things may be temporarily disabled by our dark mind, our light mind is still there, waiting to return us back to full awareness!

I have suffered with depression all of my life! YES, even as a young child!  I’ve had breakdowns, agoraphobia, eating disorders, obsessive compulsive disorders.  Oh dear, that makes me sound so weak, sad, needy and wrong (residues of old programming).  And as I write this and say what I have, I feel the shame still sitting in my stomach.  The shame that I couldn’t cope!  The shame that I thought I was mentally insane!  The shame that I was not strong enough to cope with me!

I have battled with my mind and emotions for as long as I can remember, and I know what it’s like when you feel as though you have lost control of your mind, your life, your future!  It is ABSOLUTELY… FUCKING… TERRIFYING!!!

But, even though you feel terrified, scared, despairing, alone, futile, worthless and powerless – YOU ARE NOT going to remain this way!  All of these feelings are created because your mind is low (simple term for serotonin imbalance/ low vibration mind creations/lack of confidence).  So whilst they may be true of the moment, because that’s how it feels, there is usually SOMETHING we can do to help ourselves in some way!

There are different types and levels of depression, with different causes, which I won’t go into here.  As my point of writing is to let you know what made the biggest differences to me, during my worst times!

The whole point of depression is to create change to our lives!  It helps to understand this! But once we enter into it, we have to work our way out by doing the things we’ve been putting off prior to feeling unwell – like doing things that are good for us, make us feel happy, reduce our stress, support our physical, emotional and mental well-being!

Be aware that everything that is happening is of an energetic nature. When we’re depressed we’re caught up in negative energy vibrations, which won’t release until we deliberately introduce positive energetic elements into our life.  Positive and Negative energetic forces are as strong as each other.  What matters is where we place our energetic attention.  If we constantly focus on how bad we feel, we will attract more negativity into our lives, which means more negative thinking and feeling.  And even though it feels the hardest thing in the world to do when we are feeling so bad, refraining from keep talking about how bad we feel, and using positive thoughts as affirmations, are the easiest ways to introduce a doorway to the light into our darkened world!

You don’t have to believe affirmations when you say them initially. Just use the words to open the door to the light! Every morning and any time I felt overwhelmed I’d say ‘All is well in my world.  I am feeling healthier and better each day!’. Of course I didn’t believe this statement, as I felt so bad all the time. And to be honest, even though I know what I know about spirit, energy, life, me, I didn’t believe anything could help me to feel better! But after a while I noticed how this thought seemed to stop the fear thoughts that were trying to surface!  Eventually as I became more convinced that small improvements to my mood were appearing, and thus used the statements with intent to create a better and healthier me, I created a new neural pathway that I could use to escape the compulsive rise in terror, panic and anxiety!

Don’t believe your thoughts when feeling depressed. These type of thoughts tell us lies, unless they are positively driven to healing and aiding your recovery! Our ego-driven fear wants us to stay weak so it can stay strong! Accept that you’re not well, your thoughts are not accurate at this time, and resist the urge to get carried along on the platform of panic, that constantly tries to knock you off your feet!

When we get surges of anxiety and panic it’s better to let them rise and pass by saying ‘I allow these thoughts to rise and pass’ instead of catching them, analysing them and believing their fearful messages!  Feel the energy run downwards through your feet, or upwards through the top of your head as you make the statement! Learning to work with our own energy is very empowering on all levels of our being!

Regardless of how unmotivated you feel, aim to achieve at least one thing each day.  Setting yourself a target and reaching it encourages positive chemical reaction linked to pleasure.  And although you may not feel it at first, setting seeds this way will provide a platform for further positive focus and action!  The target need only be small.  If you’ve been laying on the couch every day for a couple of months/weeks, then taking a walk during the day is a breakthrough!  If you’ve been putting off paperwork, chores etc., choose one from the list and make sure you do it.  Keep it easy and simple to start with.  I still use this approach to keep me motivated!

We need sleep to allow our turbulent mind to rest.  But too much sleep has an adverse affect that can make us feel worse.  When we’re depressed, even though we feel exhausted, we have to make ourselves more physically and mentally active, to stimulate our Serotonin levels.  Walking, dancing, meditating, positive conversations, reading a good book – anything that moves our energy towards positivity! This is a real big challenge!

Drugs and alcohol exacerbate depression, and although they might help to act as a sticking plaster, they do not help it or us long-term, in any way!!  There are many complementary therapies that are great for rebalancing our energy, and that do not involve ingesting harmful chemicals. And although you have to pay for this type of therapy, you have the power to choose who helps, and what help suits you best!

When we are caught in depression, it can feel like our world has collapsed.  Everything appears so bleak and futile, and we wonder if our life is worth living!  And the worst thing is knowing that we are the controllers of our progress or fall!  We are the ones who determine how long we stay depressed!  No one can fix us! But all this is controlled by the thoughts we think, the actions that we take! And though the days and nights may be long and painful, there will be good thoughts and moments popping in now and again.  And as you start looking for and counting these good moments, they will turn into hours, then days.  Then eventually, there will be more good days than bad!

I now realise depressive feelings are something I’ll have to manage long-term.  I have to be aware of the signs that motivate me to take evasive action, like getting more sleep, sorting out the strife in my mind, doing something for me – just for me! Life is changing for us at the moment, causing many problems.  And whilst there may be a specific problem that has caused your reactive depression, that you feel unable to change, I want to remind you that you can and must work with your depression, as that is the priority problem now!  Working against it, resisting it or giving in to it, will only prolong your suffering!

I feel quite frustrated whilst writing because there’s so much more I want to say.  But I promised myself I would keep my articles brief, as I know I get carried away sometimes!

So my heart cries out to all of you who are suffering from depression … ’Please don’t give up!  Don’t let fear destroy your life!  Please allow other people in to help you motivate yourself into positive action!’.  As even though you are walking through the tunnel of darkness at the moment, fighting the trials that depression bestows upon us, you are so much stronger and braver than you think you are – with or without pills!

You are the hero at the centre of your storm.  You must make sure you win the battle of light and dark aspects of your personality by choosing to use the mind that wallows in love, not fear action!

You can and will win.  I know.  I’ve done it many times!!

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I’ve had a horrible few days because my parrot, aged 17 years, suddenly developed an infection which stopped her from eating, where she was sleeping most of the time.  I knew that quick intervention is essential with sick birds. When I took her to the vet, I was told ‘She’s very poorly’, ‘It’s touch and go whether she’ll make it’ etc. Meaning I had to leave her at the vets so she could receive treatment, not knowing whether I would ever see her again!

Knowing there was the possibility that I might lose my little friend, my heart started to prepare itself for the inevitable, and my mind started the weighing up, pros and cons process, that happens when we enter such a crisis event! ‘She’s only a bird’ I’d say to myself, ‘nothing lives forever, you know that!’.  Then I’d think ‘Maybe it won’t be so bad when she’s gone, I won’t miss her that much!’.  My mind began yo-yoing, racing as I struggled to contain the terror I’d started to feel, but struggled against, knowing that my ‘baby’ may not come back to me!

I’ve slept badly during the last couple of nights, trying not to worry about what might happen.  I have remained calm, but inside I’ve been standing on the edge of a deep precipice, waiting.  Waiting for the news that will push me, albeit reluctantly, over the edge into the deep chasm of pain, that grief bestows upon us!

I’ve phoned the vet a couple of times each day for progress reports.  They said she’s very old for a captive parrot (I didn’t think that), she’s still not eating, she’s losing weight.  They were tube feeding and she’s on antibiotics for the infection.  This morning they said she was a little brighter, but they want to keep her in until Monday to make sure she’s eating again.  I suggested they try giving her favourite food, digestive biscuit with tea.  This afternoon they rang me and said as she’s eating (she ate the biscuit) she can come home, as long as I continue medicating etc.  So now, thank God, she’s home, back in her cage.  And although she’s not her normal self, she has eaten a couple of times already!  Hopefully, when I take her back to the vet next week she will be fully recovered!

Did you know that you can taste and smell fear?  It feels sort of warm in the head and upper body, and has a sweet sickly taste and smell, caused by the mixture of different chemicals that are evoked once we enter into fear and panic mode! That’s how I’m feeling at the moment, even though my parrot is back home!

I guess it’s caused by that terrible feeling of expecting ’The Worst’ to happen, where there’s little hope of a positive outcome!  I’ve found myself feeling irritated this afternoon, not just because the vet painted such a negative picture. But because this has happened to me a few times now, where it’s almost as though the professional, who we have to trust with the lives of ourselves and loved ones, causes our distress, because of their negative prognosis!

Nearly thirty years ago my mother had ovarian cancer, that had spread.  The doctors were very convincing when they told me she would not live any longer than 6 – 9 months.  The whole family went into grief mode, whilst trying to remain buoyant for mum.  By some miracle mum survived!  She’s now 85 years old!

Four years ago whilst in hospital for acute stomach pain, she was again rushed into surgery with a ruptured bowel and bladder.  It was a long operation, and the doctors said they did not expect her to live!  Her age, poor health, and seriousness of her condition meant there was little hope of survival, so we should prepare ourselves for the worst!  We, the family, had been here before.  But now it looked like it was time for mum to leave us!  Three months later she came home!  Obviously there was intensive care, lots of pain etc.  But she survived!

Last October my step-father fell and broke his neck!  It was unbearable to see him in intensive care, paralysed, unable to breathe on his own. The doctors told us that if he did survive, he would probably be totally paralysed. So, whilst we were doing our best to console and reassure him, we entered into the grief mode of preparing ourselves for the worst!  Nearly a year later, most of this time in hospital, he is walking, breathing, and although he has to be monitored for his breathing, and has reduced use of his right hand, he is still alive and kicking!

I guess the point I’m trying to make, is that in any crisis situation it’s important to retain a sense of hope, in order to help us cope with what we are facing!  But doctors seem to deliberately take away our hope, when they predict the worst scenario for their patient.  I know they have to be realistic, and want us to be also, but I wonder why they paint such a dismal picture in this sort of situation!  Maybe it’s part of the emotional preparation just in case things do go wrong! Maybe they say what they do, because they don’t want to get sued for giving misleading information!  Who knows!

Of course there are cases where they are correct, which I’m also familiar with, when my dear brother-in-law died at the age of 39 from cancer.  He was given the bad news by his doctors that he had only a few weeks to live, only this time, sadly, they were right!

So, the prospect of losing my pet parrot has opened up a huge ‘kettle of worms’ associated to grief, loss and attachment, that I’ve now got to process!  And I have to find a way to calm down the adrenalin that’s been pumping so hard for the last few days!  I hate the grief process.  It hurts so much on every level doesn’t it!  But we can’t avoid it, as all life is temporary and transitional – even our own!

However, what I have learned through all of these trials is that there is no guarantee when it comes to death and survival!  The doctors can tell us there’s no hope! But you know what, our spirit, our soul, our body is strong!  And although there will be a time when we won’t survive, nobody can really say when that time will be!

I am so grateful that things have worked out positively for me and my loved ones (some of the time). But we can’t live without hope!  It’s the thing that keeps us coming back again when we fall, trying over and over to change our lives, to make things better, to will our loved ones to get well!  And although we may be anxious, hope prevents depression. Without hope there would be no trust!  Without hope and trust we would be living in dark despair! A place I don’t want to visit unless I really have to!

So please doctors, when you are giving us ‘The News’, is there any way you can allow just a little leeway, for our hope and trust to generate the miracles of healing, that only the universe can provide for us?

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So many blogs I’m reading are about the writer sharing their painful experiences.  Where readers comment and share their own experiences, and offer support for the author.  It appears that resonance enables each of us to appreciate each others’ suffering!

So when I posted my last blog I decided to do more sharing, which hopefully would help others in similar predicaments. But when I think about sharing some of my painful experiences through my blog, I freeze inside, my breathing gets faster, I feel panic start to rise in my body and mind! So whilst I can share what’s in my heart relatively easily, I find it very difficult to disclose or share the experiences in my life that have hurt me most!

I suppose that’s how it’s always been for me!  And I wonder if things will ever be different, for at age 64 some of my tendencies are well and truly ingrained!  However, because of my reaction to the sharing prompt, I owe it to myself to take a closer look as to what impedes my ability to communicate my pain to others. So that’s what I’ve been doing over the last few days!

But as I searched through my memories of how I never wanted to ‘make a fuss’ or cause problems for my over-worked mother, other memories and emotions surfaced, creating a whirlpool in my mind of incessant chattering thoughts, that have made me feel crap! Because as the thoughts rise and I question, analyse, cancel them out, or simply acknowledge them, they increase!  The chatter gets louder and stronger, and I feel tired and worn out from struggling to stay in control of my mind, and the stimulus to my emotions.

I feel worried that I recognise the pressure in my ears and the tightness and tingling at the top of my head! I know my blood pressure has risen because my heart beats faster, my breathing is more shallow, where the physical symptoms of stress are causing more fearful thoughts, such as ‘Am I going to have a heart attack or stroke?’.

This is a deep fear I’ve had since watching a woman die of heart attack on television when I was five.  I’d woken from a nightmare, got up and went into the dimly lit living room where my parents were watching a film on our newly acquired television (before that we only had radio). I ran and sat on my father’s lap (I was a daddy’s girl)and as I nestled my head on his chest, I watched the screen and saw a woman running along a beach, breathing hard, clutching her chest. Her young daughter had just died!  Her heart beat loudly… b.bang – b.bang – b.bang! Suddenly the beating got faster, then more erratic.  Then, as she dropped down onto the sand, the beating stopped and there was a loud silence!

I can’t remember the name of the film, but can remember the impact of that short scene, on a television screen that looked very real to a five-year old child, who’d already felt frightened by her nightmare!  Since then I started to monitor my heartbeat.  Is it too fast, too slow, is it going to stop!  And yes, I have worked on this issue, it has improved a great deal, but the remnants are still there!

I wonder if I’m going insane as I know the irritating voices are mine, the arguments  are mine! And it’s my thoughts that are causing my distress. It scares me that I’m visiting old territory of past torment, that I’ve tried so hard to escape from! Torment that is like a volcano preparing to erupt, as the pressure in my mind makes me feel like I’m getting ready to explode, scream or whatever!

However, I’ve learned that even though this storm is in my head, I can still think!  I can still take positive action other than getting carried along to the explosion point of uncontrollable action!  And this calms me down!  As I remind myself of what I know, I breath deeply as I tell myself….’I am C.A.L.M, my mind is C.A.L.M., my body is C.A.L.M.’  I allow myself to feel the calmness drizzle through my muscles. I take a few more calming breaths and feel the tension in my head reduce slightly.  This gives me the confidence to do some more calming statements, before using EFT tapping to sort out the residual issues!

And even though I’ve been feeling bad for a few days, no-one else knows!  Why?  Because I haven’t told them!  Ah ha – pattern apparent!  Why didn’t I tell?  Well for a start everyone has got their own problems to deal with, so why would they want mine!  If I did tell hubby how I was feeling he wouldn’t have a clue about how to help me, or make me feel better (communication isn’t his thing!).  And what’s the point of telling anyone how I feel if no-one can do anything about my problems?  So, I persist in trying to work them out in my head!  I repeat this pattern time after time, and this is why!!

I know how it feels, when intrusive thoughts fill your head until it feels like it’s going to explode.  Where the cycle of fear goes round and round in your mind, because no consolation or answers can be found.  Where there’s little sleep, because nightmares haunt your mind, even during the night! And where you wonder if you will survive this episode, or if your mind will ever think differently!

And even if you did want to share your dilemma, you don’t know how to start, or what to say, or even how to convey the intensity of what you are thinking and feeling!  Who would understand you, who would know how to best help you, who would know how to make you feel better?  And are your problems real, are they valid and worthy to cause such distress, or is your pain being caused by you because you’re over-reacting, making a mountain out of a molehill, making a fuss about nothing!

I’ve lived with mental anguish most of my life, and thankfully survived the conflicts my mind has caused.  I honestly don’t know if that will ever change. However, I tend to try to live day by day now, and whereas each day was a bad day, for a long, long time, there are many better or even good days now, where life becomes precious once again! Until the next temporary depressive episode that is!

So when we face our darkest moments, even if there is one dominant, destructive voice we hear all the time, that tells us to do bad things, we have to remember that we have many voices in our head!  And if we look and listen for it, we may find the voice of intuitive reason, that tells us we are strong, the world is a safe place, we are worthy, and that we will find the happiness we seek once we start to take more positive action.

When we’re caught up in our turmoil, it’s hard to steady ourselves if we just focus on the problems of how we think, feel and our negative experiences. But when we have problems sharing our worrying thoughts, our pain creates a bubble of mental and emotional turbulence, that can negatively affect us on every level of our being.  When we feel overwhelmed by ourselves, life stand still!  We can get stuck, going deeper and deeper into the pit of despair (as per one of my previous blogs).  And if you can’t help yourself to find a way out of the darkness, you owe it to yourself to find someone who can help you do what you can’t!

There are very few people I am willing to trust with my deepest, most painful memories, meaning I’ve had to learn how to cope with my distress alone, learn how to tolerate who I am, learn to recognise the warning signs that indicate I am not safe to look after me! Yet because of this way of coping, I have become extremely resourceful!

I used to pray for peace of mind, as though there was some sort of miracle that could immediately take away all the worries pounding my mind!.  I know now that my mind is like a computer…if you try running too many programmes at once, it will crash!  So I monitor myself, to try to catch myself before I get too low.  And remember that even in our darkest moments we can learn from our experience.  As when we focus on that new learning, which is what we need to do differently in the future, we cut ourselves off from having to experience the pain of our past!

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Because spiritual influences are helping our soul evolve beyond our reactive ego personality, by encouraging us to identify, clarify, develop and live by authentic truth, we will find it harder to be consoled by our addictions and negative habits.  They won’t bring us so much satisfaction, so eventually we will get tired of being disappointed by them and seek other ways of coping with our inner stirrings. Meaning that if we make the effort to work constructively with our fear, by not making ourselves even more afraid as we deal with changes in our lives, we can break free of old habits that have kept us trapped within fear filled limitations.

And although this process can feel distressing, because we are letting go of our comforters, we have to remember it’s a positive process that’s designed energetically to set us free from our negative self, that imposes restrictions to our growth and happiness.

I hurt when I see so many people, young and old, struggling to cope with the constant bombardment of challenges being imposed upon us all. There was a time not so long ago, when we could identify with those whose life was working well.  We could console our fears by saying ‘If they can do that then so can I’.  Our young people could witness success and aspire themselves toward it. But it’s much harder to find normal people(if there are such entities any more) whose life is working well. In fact it’s becoming increasingly harder to find anyone who hasn’t got some form of struggle going on at the moment.  Meaning it’s going to feel more difficult to feel optimistic and okay about life in general, and our mood may become less buoyant!

I’m not naive enough to believe that EVERYONE is in turmoil at the moment. As I know problems are being caused by an energetic  shift, that means wealth is being redistributed away from the majority, who as a consequence struggle with financial problems and health issues caused by an overload of stress, and passed onto the minority whose lives are becoming increasingly prosperous, successful and fulfilling.  But there is money out there, enough for everyone.  So why is there such an increasing and overwhelming lack in our lives, when others have so much more than us – more than they could possibly need?  What is the purpose for this?

Well they say money goes to money, and I believe that’s true!  As there’s an energy link to money, that if connected to, will attract more money.  The problem is that fear interferes with this abundance link.  So the poorer we get, the more afraid we become, and the more we get separated from our ability to generate more money!  So, even if we are terrified of losing what we’ve got because we’ve not got enough money coming into our lives, we can, and must still have confidence in our ability to connect to the energy of financial abundance.

This means instead of focussing on what we haven’t got, which makes us more anxious, we use affirming statements such as….’I am now willing to allow money to enter my life from all sources’ or  ‘I now release the need to suffer from poverty and accept the abundance of money that is rightfully mine to receive’.  One of the most effective ways to connect to abundance energy, or disconnect from our restraining mind-sets, is to use EFT.  There are loads of scripts already out there if you Google or go to You Tube.

The main thing is not to let fear stop us from creating a better way of life for ourselves.  But if we focus on fear, we will become more afraid!  So, remember, even if you’re afraid of whatever, you can still be strong, creative and successful!

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Over the years I’ve discovered that life moves us through various traumatic stages that have a beginning and end.  The purpose of these stages is to help us grow and learn.  Although each stage may vary in length and intensity of issues, and level of disruption to our lives, each stage contains a main theme that runs throughout.  Which is the driving force and pivotal learning point of our experience, that if recognised and adhered to, will enable us to improve our personality, life and future.

And if we look for the bigger picture of humanity, by also looking inwardly at issues of friends and family, we may recognise how our central theme of that time is theirs too.  This mirroring acts as confirmation that we are indeed a global society on a global journey of learning, that can affect us all!

I’ve always been able to identify the different stages of my life, and see the opening and closing of each stage. Recently I recognised that another traumatic stage of my life had completed.  I felt relieved as I acknowledged how hard I’d been finding life for some time, and hoped the universe would allow me a resting stage to re-gather my strength and positivity before I faced the next step. But we can’t control some aspects of our growth, only learn to attend to them as soon as we can, in order to reduce discomfort and suffering caused because of them.  So, when troublesome events started to present themselves to me – along with rising discomforts, I quickly started to search for the meaning hidden behind them.

I’d been struggling to meet obligations I’d imposed upon myself, that catered for other’s needs, and put my life on hold because I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to focus on my issues. I realised this attitude meant I stayed stuck in the quagmire of frustration, anger, resentment, despondency and despair, that was hidden beneath my compassionate acts. But I’d become so embroiled in pushing myself to cope with family problems that felt overwhelming, that I’d closed my awareness off to my own needs, because I couldn’t cope with them as well as all the other things I had to do.

Self-denial and detachment crept in, but I didn’t acknowledge it because my needs were too much for me to cope with!

It was only when I received two requests for favours, one after the other from separate people, that truth finally hit me!  Initially when I refused their requests I started to beat myself up, as usual when I think I’m letting someone down.  But  once I straightened my thinking out, I allowed my indignance to guide me to what I needed to see more clearly.

I had to allow myself to stomp my feet (mentally not physically)and admit I didn’t want to commit my time and attention to helping anyone at the moment.  I had no energy left for me, as even though I did have some spare time, I wasn’t using it to replenish my energies or develop my business, because I felt so tired.  Yet even after all the self-development work I’d done, I still felt guilty about saying no! So, ‘What was this all about?’ I asked myself!

I learned about assertiveness years ago.  I understand it well, and believe me when I boldly say that I try to use my assertiveness power as and when it’s needed!  So why was this ‘NO’ issue rising again?  What was I missing?

Looking back over recent events and the predicament I felt I was in, I could see that saying ‘No’ was not just about refusing requests from others.  It was also about self-control, like saying ‘NO’ to the bars of chocolate I’d been consuming to quell my tiredness and despondency, and ‘No’ to the voices in my head that told me I deserved to have them.  It was about refusing to allow myself to beat me up any more for what I wasn’t doing, for what I had or hadn’t done!  It was about stopping myself from striving to meet my own and others unrealistic expectations of what can be achieved in limiting circumstances, and stopping to rest when I required respite.

It was about seeing how I’d taken on responsibility that I couldn’t cope with! I was trying to make things easier and better for others.  But though there were unavoidable tasks I had to perform, did I have to do SO much?  Did I have to do ‘EVERYTHING I COULD TO MAKE LIFE EASIER FOR OTHERS, AT THE EXPENSE OF MY OWN LIFE AND HEALTH?’

Why had I not seen, after all my experiences and traumatic times, that whilst I can support people in times of trouble, I cannot fix their lives – especially if I neglect my own? And why did I keep on trying so hard to protect other people from their life-changing problems?

Thus I realised how hard I’d been pushing myself.  And how much of myself I’d been denying!  No wonder I felt miserable, anxious and worried all the time! Didn’t I realise how our problems help us develop new skills.  Didn’t I know that facing our fear makes us stronger and wiser? Of course I did, I’m a counselling therapist! But did I really think I had to step in because my loved ones were so fragile, and they would die if faced with problems they felt they couldn’t handle?  Yes I did actually! A fear caused by past experiences that left their imprint upon my subconscious mind, which infiltrated my logic and distorted the reality of what is!  This is being dealt with now!

There are many who say if you reach for the stars you will touch them.  But we have to account for the fact that physical, mental and emotional needs will stop us in our track, if they are not met. And environmental and universal influences will negatively affect our energy when we are low, by making us feel more tired, listless and depressed.

If we feel overwhelmed it’s okay to ask for help! But if we don’t give ourselves what we need to survive, no-one else will. Everyone these days is trying to cope with their own stuff!  Meaning no one can help fix us, unless we take the time and make the effort to try to fix ourselves first!

‘NO’ is such a short sound.  But it has a huge meaning!  ‘No’ can save our lives and protect us, but it can also keep us confined in our stagnating comfort zone!  Saying ‘No’ means we can stand up for what we believe is right and proper.  But it can also promote our rebelliousness, that causes harm to ourselves or others!  Sometimes we say ‘No’ when we mean ‘Yes’ and vice versa, so if we want to get what we want and need, we have to ensure we say what we really mean.

I’ve decided to put my needs on par with others, for a time anyway, as I realise this is my life, with one chance to enjoy the benefits of being who I am.  Most importantly I’ve eventually accepted that it’s no good being a good Samaritan, if it kills you in the process.  Or use external substances to cope with painful emotions and life, but which destroy physical health!

So often we lose ourselves within our problems.  But regardless of how hard we try to avoid them, problems will keep rearing their ugliness at us. But if we don’t learn to say ‘No’ to things that will harm us, we will never be happy, healthy and fulfilled.

Learning to say ‘No’ means we can stand up and say …‘ I know what I need and make sure I get it’!  And even though it might take a bit of practice to get the ‘No’ in the right place at the right time, saying ‘No’ will enable us to regain our confidence, because we are aware that whilst we may not be able to escape the trials and tribulations that life throws at us, we know we always have the power to choose how we deal with situations, and our reactive, needy  self!

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It’s very clear now, that we cannot escape anxiety provoking situations that make us feel bad and impede our opportunities for finding future happiness. Nevertheless, whilst we are starting to realise we can’t control the world after all, we must always, and I mean always remember, we can control ourselves!

When we worry we create toxic energy, which is extra adrenalin that sends our energy field haywire.  If this toxic energy is not released in some way, we become agitated.  Where the process of fight or flight occurs, stimulating even more adrenalin, and more anxiety! Even though worry thoughts fill our mind, and fear, dread or terror thoughts fill our heart, we must always realise that this discomfort is just our energy, that has been disrupted because of our disordered thinking.

Worry creates more worry, unless we intercept our thinking and regain control of our thoughts, by balancing our negative with positive thoughts….i.e. I can’t pay next months bills (Neg.), but I’ve got time to try to sort something out (Pos.).  Although this may not be the answer, it stops the sharp increase in fear rising, which allows you to remain in control.  It’s very difficult to find profitable answers when we’re in sheer panic mode!

But even when our adrenalin pumps and we want to run, scream, hide or attack, or fill ourselves with food, alcohol or drugs, we must remember that aggressive actions won’t do anything to heal our pain. As all it will do is release some of the adrenalin we’re causing because of our confused or anxious thinking patterns.

There are other easier ways to release excessive adrenalin energy, that we can use to help ourselves…

1)  Physical exercise…running, walking, skipping, dancing, housework and of course sex!

2)  Doing something creative where your efforts will yield a result…painting, playing musical instrument, knitting, cooking.

3)  Expressing yourself vocally…singing, talking to someone, going to the beach and shouting out at the sea!

4)  Writing…a journal, automatic writing where you just keep writing about how you’re feeling, writing an expressive letter (destroy it rather than send it).

5)  Visualisation…

Sit quietly, see yourself in your mind’s eye…

See yourself standing on the edge of a quay, where the deep blue sea is in front of you.  As you look down at your feet you see a large, strong, black plastic sack on the floor.  Pick up the sack, open it, and imagine your anxiety thoughts being directed into it, like a stream of energy.  Send all of your worries and fears into the bag and watch it get fatter and bigger.  When you feel as though you have emptied yourself, tie the sack and throw it, or drop it into the sea in front of you.  Watch as the ocean melts the sack and all of your worries, allowing yourself to just let go of any attachment to problems. Watch until the black bag has completely disappeared and until there is nothing but the beautiful, calm sea in front of you.  Take a deep breath, acknowledge how calm you now feel.  Give thanks to the sea for helping you. Do this daily if required.  The sea can handle our energy!

6)  E.F.T. Tapping – if you’ve not heard of it, look it up on the internet.  It’s great!

7)  Remember that tomorrow is a new day, every experience is transitional, there is usually an answer to most problems, and we are never alone, even if it feels like we are!

Good luck x

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