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I’ve found myself thinking about my broken dreams recently.  You know, the ones where you knew you could change society if you did this or that.  Where you believed you had the power to somehow make a difference to the world! Dreams that led you to believe that even though life has been mostly filled with shit, what you had learned through your own pain and suffering, could somehow be put to good use to help others avoid what you have been through – meaning there was a point to your life after all!  And that there is a reason why you are living on this earth, other than to suffer constant battles caused by your mental and emotional torment!

I had so many dreams!  Dreams which I’ve striven to bring into fruition.  But if you ask me if I succeeded in completing those dreams, I would have to say ‘I don’t really know’!  My life has been filled with disruptive and painful experiences that have dominated and squashed my creativity.  And I’ve felt for many, many years that I’m living one life, but yearning to live a different one.  One where I feel fulfilled, content and happy. 

But although I’ve recreated myself many times, and striven to be the best I can be, I’ve not located that life.  As I still feel similar to how I did fifty years ago.  When I was a lonely, overweight child, with low self-esteem, who used to dream of the part she would play in the world someday, and where because she could help them, people recognised her true qualities that made her worthy to be accepted as one of them!

So because I still feel this way, even after many years of self-development, my logic tells me that if I’d succeeded in fulfilling my dreams I would be feeling a lot better than I do wouldn’t I?  But  then another part of me steps in to remind me that as I’ve done what I believed to be the right thing, most of the time, then how could I have got it so wrong?

What’s really strange though, is that now, when I try to remember what my dreams were, I can’t!  I’ve tried to recall the decisions I made many years ago, that laid the pathway for my adult choices.  But it’s as though they never existed.  There are no dreams or aspirations in my mind.  No expectant enthusiasm or excitement, or a desiring heart.  So if I didn’t fulfil my dreams, where are they?  Did I give them up?  Did I lose hope that they would ever manifest?  Have I become a pessimist, or have I just got real?

Mind you, whilst I’ve been in voluntary hermit-land for a while now, to try and sort myself out, the world I knew has gone, disappeared completely – just like my old dreams!  Society has changed.  And whilst I believed I was different from others who were successful, fulfilled and happy, inasmuch as I lacked the confidence to promote myself and was fearful of many things, I’m seeing more and more people following in my footsteps of the past.  Where worry, fear and self-doubt  cause havoc to their well-being. So whilst it feels like nothing has really changed, nothing is the same!  How weird is that?

So, I’m looking at the bigger picture now, for the future.  And taking into consideration the wisdom I’ve acquired throughout my life, that tells me that worrying about what might be is detrimental, and causes a stress over-load that I can do without.  I’m also acknowledging the spiritual ethos of accepting all is well in this moment, as then I’m able to stop myself spiralling out of control in panic, whilst I consider that I might actually be a failure!

This means I’m able to consider the implications that evolution is causing to happen to us.  Where the guidance given by spiritual masters over the years actually starts to come together and make sense at long last.  Where living in the moment means we will naturally discard the burden of emotional baggage we’ve carried throughout our existence, meaning we will be free from ego conflict that can drive us away from our dreams, desires and soul purpose.  This includes dreams of the past, that we designed to eradicate our pain.

Then I have to remind myself that as my life is not yet over, there is still time for me to accomplish what I need to do. What that is I’ve no idea, as I don’t think I have the energy any more to create ambitious targets to complete.  So I’ve made the decision to stop striving to attain, and just allow myself to go with the flow!  As then I should be in the right place at the right time, to do whatever needs to be done, according to my soul destiny!  That’s the theory anyway – for now!

I’ll let you know how I get on!  But for now, I think I realise that dreaming about how I can change the future is not necessary, as if I allow my intuitive mind to remain in play, nature will guide me all the way, as it will you, if you do the same!  And whilst I may feel I’m alone with my painful thoughts and emotions, I know now that I’m really a part of a large team.  A team called the human race, that is perfecting it’s performance in order to win the game of life!

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