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Posts Tagged ‘Goals’

It’s easy to believe that our life, and all that it consists, is all that there is for us!

Our individual experiences, challenges, hurts and pleasures make up an existence that we accept as being normal, and become engrossed with…as we face one hurdle after another.  Stopping, starting, faltering, rising and falling, as we attend to, or try to ignore our thoughts and emotional prompts, that attempt to force us into unknown territories we have no concept of. Yet have to visit, in our search for happiness, success and peace of mind!

It’s no wonder we want to find a way to stop our confused suffering!  Many seekers are asking…’When will this all end…?’.

But who would’ve believed that we would find ourselves in the position we are today…?  As whilst many have been avidly searching for ways to find spiritual enlightenment, freedom from fear, increased connection to God energy, believing that their life would become dramatically improved once they have mastered these many skills, it’s emerged that so far, the things we’ve done in the past to improve ourselves and understanding of life, is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg…!

As whilst we’ve been focused on letting go of our individual past conditioning, that supports our fears and bad habits, I don’t think we realised just how B..I..G our search was going to be!

Whilst so many people have bravely accepted the challenge to change who they are, and have been dedicated in their quest for self-improvement and soul expansion, there are still many areas of life that have been neglected, because we never realised they existed!  And whilst we believed that our ultimate aim was to conquer ourselves, it’s slowly emerging that our true purpose is so much more than that…!

‘WHAT…’ you might say…’YOU MEAN I’VE DONE ALL THAT WORK – AND SUFFERING – FOR NOTHING?’…!

AND – does this mean I’ve got to KEEP suffering?…!!

Well the simple answer is ‘NO’ to both questions!  However, whilst we believed our remedial actions were leading us to a specific resolution, namely we would feel happier and more content once we reached a certain point of self-achievement, the true purpose for our existence is only just becoming apparent.  As our purpose for being alive at this time is to not only change ourselves, but to also….CHANGE THE WORLD!!

And as we well know, that takes time…!

OMG – not more of that crap!!  Isn’t that what we’ve been doing anyway?’……..Yes…I can hear you!!

We knew didn’t we, that changing ourselves would make a difference to the whole!  We recognised that confronting our own limitations would lead others to do the same, creating a ripple effect that would increase as we grew in self-knowledge, self-power and most importantly, self-control!  And just to reassure you, nothing associated to these changes has been wasted…everything has been purposeful!

So what I’m saying is that whilst we may have planned our evolutionary journey, say from A to Z (because that is the alphabet we know); and we measure our progress by feeling somewhere in-between A and Z…. what if ‘Z’ was not the true end point…?  What if, instead of being a twenty-six lettered alphabet, there were more letters for us to learn…say another thirty, sixty, or even a million or more letters we knew nothing about, but nevertheless still existed as part of the alphabet? Where would we be then…?

I believe that is the position we are in now – where we’ve progressively worked our way through various restrictive, damaging elements in our life – that we knew about.  Not that we’ve overcome them all, I have to add – simply that we’ve become aware of them, and so can find a way of positively managing them so they fail to hinder our existence as much!

Consequently, because of our evolutionary progression and position, we are facing the gradual emergence of unknown energetic aspects of life, that we effect and are affected by. But whereas hurtling into the unknown would have thrown us into chaos a while back, now, because we’ve been working on ourselves to control our reactive nature, we will have the skills to stand steady as the new future emerges and shows us what we need to do next!

Facing the unknown can make us scared…but when we realise that we don’t have to plan, manipulate or protect our future, we’re more likely to be able to just…GO-WITH-THE-FLOW!

And maybe that’s what we’ve been preparing for…to be able to…LET-GO… of the need to control and cajole people, things, situations, in order to placate our own needs.  And to allow ourselves to remain in trust; confident in our knowledge that we are protected, as we are being guided. Knowing that if we do fall, we can quickly and easily rise again, because we haven’t been crushed into shattered pieces!

There is a rationale to life that although has always been there, we’ve not seen, simply because we could not comprehend it.  We’ve been fighting the War Of Ego, where our minds were locked into regions that were within the parameters of human existence, and our limited understanding of what life meant.

But whilst we thought our search for resolution meant simply freeing ourselves from ego limitations, we’ve limited our potential for growth, because we’re still working toward control of something!  And, just like the possibility of the extended alphabet, we only knew what we thought we knew! But there is more to come yet…and even though we don’t know what it involves yet, I believe there is an end purpose that is more beneficial to us than we could possibly imagine!

The world is a wonderful place to be at this time, because we have the opportunity to experience change never seen or experienced before.  We have a chance to see things put right that were wrong.  To see the sick healed!  To witness the birth of a new nation of children that will evolve into mighty warriors that will protect nature’s gifts to our world!

We are here to see all this.  We are the creators of all of this.  We have the right to become the new people.  People who can love each other without prejudice.  People who care about how others hurt!  People who place peace of mind and heart above the need for materialistic toys.

But the real benefit, the real gift of being alive at this time is that we get to see it all emerge – the future we never knew about.  The elements of life we’ve yearned to experience, that were always there in the background, waiting for the right time to show themselves to us.  Waiting until the time came, when we could control our reactions enough, to not destroy what we did not understand…!

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Although I’d decided to write a series of articles under the title ‘Inside The Mind of a Fat Person’, I’ve found myself really struggling to get started on this third one. So I needed to identify why I felt reluctant to write more on this topic, as I’d already faced my personal demons and taken the challenge to expose my ‘fatness’ to the world, when I wrote the first article on this subject.

However, after examining my reluctance a bit more closely, I was quite surprised to find that I’d been avoiding writing about being fat because…

1) I didn’t want to be perceived as a ‘victim’!

2) I didn’t want to be condemned for not losing the weight!

3) I didn’t want to be criticised for speaking my truth!

4) I didn’t want people to pity me, or feel sorry for me!

In fact, if I’m totally honest with myself, I’d say the basis of my writing difficulty was that I didn’t want to be seen, noticed or even acknowledged!….Gasp of frustration…Deep conditioning created over my many years, that still impacts me now…!

Blast – I thought I’d come past all of this crap!!

I don’t know why this realisation surprised me, as I know myself very well!  I know the self-doubt I face each time I make a choice, or face an important decision.  I recognise how I talk myself out of moving toward the direction that could make me feel happier and more fulfilled, because I feel ashamed about the way I look!  I totally accept that I am the controller of my own destiny…yet it still upsets me that so many of us FP put our lives on hold, until we lose the weight that keeps us rooted to the isolation of our imagination, that convinces us to believe, without doubt, that we are not good enough as we are.

It’s normal to doubt ourselves during childhood.  But when there is ‘An Issue’ present, including overweight, then life takes on an avalanche of unlimited possibilities for personality destruction, because the child perceives they are judged by others according to their ‘issue’, thus doesn’t know who or what to be as it matures into adulthood! In the case of obesity, life becomes filled with questions about what’s right/wrong/good or bad food, what you should/shouldn’t eat, when you should/shouldn’t eat!  What you should or shouldn’t do or wear to make you look thinner, less fat! What you must or mustn’t do to get noticed, avoid being seen,  get attention, and be acceptable or invisible to others!

Eventually, life becomes filled with self-doubt, self-debating and self-berating, where instead of embracing who we are, and allowing ourselves to reach our full potential as we mature, we struggle to find a mode of being that makes us feel acceptable to the limitations of the outside world!

In many cases we question everything, until we reach a point where we imprison ourselves in our own negative emotions, that dictate that shame and guilt rises each time we consume anything!  There is no enjoyment to be gained from mealtimes – only guilty pleasures that make us feel ashamed and regretful, after we’ve digested the delicious mouthfuls of food that just for that moment satisfied us, made us feel better, or pacified our despair!

FP/TP want to be considered normal. But how can we feel normal when we react so badly to eating something as small as one biscuit, or a couple of pieces of chocolate?  Don’t normal people eat these things?  Of course they do!  The difference is normal people usually stop when they’ve had enough. Or, if they do binge, they do not repeat it on a regular basis.  But because FP have so much emotional agenda that rises when they eat forbidden food, their impulse to eat is stimulated by the bad way they feel. Which makes it almost impossible to control their appetite, because they are being driven to over-eat by impulses created from their emotional discomfort.

Our self-perception is strongly influenced by the way we look, so when we try to manage or control weight issues that make us feel inadequate, our mind is geared-up to give us what we want to get or avoid.  The problem with this is that we create a ‘perfect rule-book’ in our mind that is often unworkable, because it’s unrealistic.  For example… we decide to go on a diet, stick at it a couple of days before our resolve starts to falter, and we eat what we shouldn’t. So we come off the diet feeling we’ve failed – we’ve blown it yet again!  This repetitive process builds-up shame and guilt energy within our persona, that guarantees we will continue to fail in the future – because we don’t believe we can succeed in our aims.

We rarely admit to ourselves that most people find it difficult to change their lifestyle.  For if we did we would see our ‘normality’! Instead we just perpetuate our shame by believing we are inferior, inadequate, incapable of success, and fat is a problem we cannot control, change, get rid of, because we’re not strong enough to hold our resolve!

FP/TP live life feeling in or out of control!  This is why life becomes so hard!  But even though we are over/under weight, even though we’ve failed on a million diets, there’s still things we can do to help ourselves, that will change our perception toward food, and help us feel more confident about what we can do!

It’s great to be able to plan ahead.  But it’s not only FP that find it difficult to fully commit themselves for any given period of time, as other addicts will attest to. So there are other ways of approaching our problems!  If we looked at our life style one day at a time for example, if we have a bad day today we make the decision to start again tomorrow and do it better.  So instead of giving up on ourselves because we’ve broken our promise to us, we persevere each day until we get it right, by making little adjustments in our life, that support healthy living.

One of the most important tasks I set myself, many years ago, was to abolish any emotional attachment I had to food!  I’d tried to do the right things and dieted all my life, yet I was still fat and unhappy!  So one day I made the decision that my relationship with food had to change, as whilst I hated being a FP, I hated being so miserable even more!

Once I recognised how I stimulated so much internal pain each time I ate, I decided to eat what I wanted – when I wanted, and make sure I enjoyed everything I digested.  If I didn’t like it I wouldn’t eat it!  If I over-ate I would enjoy the gluttonous feelings and feel rewarded and satisfied!  If I over-ate and felt nauseous, I would laugh at myself for making myself feel so bad!  I learned how to relax when I ate, instead of stressing myself out with my list of rules that I was breaking.

It took a few months of working consciously to divert my bad thoughts to neutral thinking, but it worked for me by setting me free from the ‘eat – guilt – shame – overeat’ process. Eventually, and quite naturally, I became more choosy about what I wanted to eat. I could leave food on the plate, I could resist the ‘forbidden’ foods more easily – all without forcing myself to do so!  I had gained control over my eating, by simply allowing myself to eat what I chose to, when I needed to eat!

I rarely binged and I lost some weight – even though I wasn’t dieting!  And this was how I cured myself of Binge Eating Disorder!!

So whilst I’m still fat now, food rarely stimulates my guilt or shame! I’ve broken the rules and set myself emotionally free from guilt/shame each time I crave something. And most importantly, realise that even though I am a FP, I am entitled to feel pleasure, satisfaction and enjoyment from the act of eating – just as normal-weight people do!

Life is challenging for most of us now, and pleasures are harder to find because of our high stress levels.  But food is meant to feed our body to promote good health, it’s meant to sustain us, and is a way to experience pleasure and satisfaction.  If you are a FP/TP, and your relationship with food is not rewarding, then find a way to change the rules in your mind, to break the rules of rigidity that contradict your own natural needs.

Learn to eat consciously…Eat and enjoy food, glorious food….!

Also become aware of what you eat, how you eat it, and why…!

But just remember that…. sugar acts as a poison to your body, and wheat is an allergen, so because your body has problems processing these they could make your body swell up.  If you avoid these as much as you can, you may eventually feel healthier and not have such a weight problem in the future!

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At the beginning of this year I knew intuitively that this was going to be a testing year for us all.  I felt really strongly that 2012 would be a year when we would move where we needed to be, do what we needed to do, change what we needed to change.  A year where we would face challenges that would expose our deepest Self, as opposed to being hidden by our ego nature. And although I did feel apprehensive about what I would have to face, considering past experiences, I knew that often life takes control of our fate, and all we can do is deal with the fall-out!

Because we have to be ready for our next soul step,  facing the tribulations of change is an important factor in our preparation to find our authentic Self!  And even though I fully understand the concept behind …‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’,  changing has been so much harder than I envisaged.  Where every aspect of my personality has been challenged, and I’ve had to use every technique I know, to keep myself grounded, sane and functioning!  And whereas at times I feel alone, as I isolate myself away whilst trying to cope with my experiences, I know there are so many others who, like me, are also having a tough time!

When I see others suffering, I hurt also.  I want to help them, fix them, advise them, console them.  And because of this, trying to understand why life is so painful, in order to avoid it, has been one of my hardest tasks.  As what it means is that I can’t allow myself to collapse under the weight of my thoughts and emotions any more.  I have to observe and understand myself, and find a way to console my mind, emotions and soul!   I can’t allow myself to have any more breakdowns that take so long to recover from! I have to find a way to tolerate myself and experiences!  I can’t allow myself to keep beating myself up for what I think I should have done, but haven’t! I have to be strong because I’ve ‘something’ to do!

What that something is, has caused me so many nightmares I can tell you!  Because I’ve not been able to identify an area to help within, or commit myself to anything specific, whereby I’ve put so much pressure on myself to get out there – wherever that is, to do it – whatever it is, and to teach it – whatever….you get the theme I’m sure!  I’ve learned so much, changed so much, and yet nothing seems any different!  There is still the pain, the confusion, the wondering,  and agonising thoughts that try to convince me that something bad is going to happen to me or my loved ones.  Thoughts that stimulate the battle of survival in my mind!

And whilst I try to convince myself that the world is a safe place to be, reality proves that it’s not! There’s increasing war, conflict, destructive manipulation of society, financial collusion.  I won’t go on, you already know what I know about all that!  How can we feel safe, when people in authority care for their power, supremacy, profits, but don’t care about what happens to us?  But we have to learn how to find our safety switch within ourselves, otherwise we will be forever at the mercy of people who have the power to manipulate our welfare!

Not so long ago I had a dream, where I envisaged myself teaching others, specifically children, what I had learned through my own pain.  This aim somehow gave me a reason why life has been such a hard slog! I thought that if I could share my experiences and how I’d come through them, then I could help them avoid the same painful pitfalls I’d dropped into!   I feel sad that children have to experience the pain of growing up.  The bullying, the minimisation and manipulation, the confusion caused by innocent ignorance! I wanted to tell them about their untrustworthy emotions and thoughts, and how their mind lies to them.  I wanted them to see that if they did things differently than children of the past, their life might be easier to cope with! I wanted to explain the concept of inferior/superior, where others will want us to feel small/bad, so that they can feel big/good, and how we believe them!

But something has happened to me, and I’m not quite sure what it is!

Things have been pretty intense for me during the last year, (and what feels like forever), where family responsibilities have dominated, leaving little energy left for my creative nature to express itself.  I couldn’t commit myself to anything because I’ve been, and still am on permanent standby for ‘emergencies’.

Our thoughts create our reality, and so because my thoughts have been so one-sided on family matters, I feel somehow that I’ve forgotten so many things that I knew!  And this scares me.  Am I losing my mind to dementia, or becoming ‘crazy’ again?  Years ago spiritual practice commanded ‘Live for today, in the moment’.  Well that’s where I’m living now, and it feels weird!  As I don’t plan tomorrow, I rarely think about yesterday.  It feels that life is being lived on an ad hoc basis, where it’s ‘as and when’ that dominates.  And I honestly don’t know whether this is a good or bad thing!

I know that when we’re preoccupied with worry and anxiety, our mind blocks itself to other things, because the mind can only concentrate on one thing at a time.  So if I’m worrying so much about one specific area, then my mind shuts off other less important things.  This is how we become depressed – because we can’t see the light at the end of our tunnel of darkness!  When our mind is fixed in anxiety, it’s difficult to see clarity or feel hope, optimism, excitement!

Our fear and anxiety can debilitate us in so many ways.  And although we try to avoid it, the universe has a way of thrusting it directly in our face, so we have no option other than deal with it. But each anxious moment has given me the opportunity to learn more about how I’m coping with me, my thoughts, my emotions, my attitude!  And like everyone else, instead of overcoming it, I have to learn how to live with my fear – as it’s not going to go away as easily as we’d thought!

Life still feels challenging in so many areas, but I have learned to tame my over-reactive nature to the point where I’m feeling more confident about self-management and less fearful about what’s going to happen.  Meaning, surprisingly, that even though I still feel stressed-out,  I feel better, more hopeful, inside my heart centre.

I’ve not been writing for a while because I’ve lacked mental energy, and clarity about many things.  And to be honest I reached the stage of ‘What’s the point!’.  It’s really hard for me to write about my pain, as I’m so used to dealing with it alone, in my head.  Where I weigh it all up, analyse it, understand what aspects of me are self-sabotaging, before I can move on .  But writing does help me identify and resolve problems. It pacifies my creative and helping nature, so maybe I’d better do more of it…!

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Because spiritual influences are helping our soul evolve beyond our reactive ego personality, by encouraging us to identify, clarify, develop and live by authentic truth, we will find it harder to be consoled by our addictions and negative habits.  They won’t bring us so much satisfaction, so eventually we will get tired of being disappointed by them and seek other ways of coping with our inner stirrings. Meaning that if we make the effort to work constructively with our fear, by not making ourselves even more afraid as we deal with changes in our lives, we can break free of old habits that have kept us trapped within fear filled limitations.

And although this process can feel distressing, because we are letting go of our comforters, we have to remember it’s a positive process that’s designed energetically to set us free from our negative self, that imposes restrictions to our growth and happiness.

I hurt when I see so many people, young and old, struggling to cope with the constant bombardment of challenges being imposed upon us all. There was a time not so long ago, when we could identify with those whose life was working well.  We could console our fears by saying ‘If they can do that then so can I’.  Our young people could witness success and aspire themselves toward it. But it’s much harder to find normal people(if there are such entities any more) whose life is working well. In fact it’s becoming increasingly harder to find anyone who hasn’t got some form of struggle going on at the moment.  Meaning it’s going to feel more difficult to feel optimistic and okay about life in general, and our mood may become less buoyant!

I’m not naive enough to believe that EVERYONE is in turmoil at the moment. As I know problems are being caused by an energetic  shift, that means wealth is being redistributed away from the majority, who as a consequence struggle with financial problems and health issues caused by an overload of stress, and passed onto the minority whose lives are becoming increasingly prosperous, successful and fulfilling.  But there is money out there, enough for everyone.  So why is there such an increasing and overwhelming lack in our lives, when others have so much more than us – more than they could possibly need?  What is the purpose for this?

Well they say money goes to money, and I believe that’s true!  As there’s an energy link to money, that if connected to, will attract more money.  The problem is that fear interferes with this abundance link.  So the poorer we get, the more afraid we become, and the more we get separated from our ability to generate more money!  So, even if we are terrified of losing what we’ve got because we’ve not got enough money coming into our lives, we can, and must still have confidence in our ability to connect to the energy of financial abundance.

This means instead of focussing on what we haven’t got, which makes us more anxious, we use affirming statements such as….’I am now willing to allow money to enter my life from all sources’ or  ‘I now release the need to suffer from poverty and accept the abundance of money that is rightfully mine to receive’.  One of the most effective ways to connect to abundance energy, or disconnect from our restraining mind-sets, is to use EFT.  There are loads of scripts already out there if you Google or go to You Tube.

The main thing is not to let fear stop us from creating a better way of life for ourselves.  But if we focus on fear, we will become more afraid!  So, remember, even if you’re afraid of whatever, you can still be strong, creative and successful!

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Over the years I’ve discovered that life moves us through various traumatic stages that have a beginning and end.  The purpose of these stages is to help us grow and learn.  Although each stage may vary in length and intensity of issues, and level of disruption to our lives, each stage contains a main theme that runs throughout.  Which is the driving force and pivotal learning point of our experience, that if recognised and adhered to, will enable us to improve our personality, life and future.

And if we look for the bigger picture of humanity, by also looking inwardly at issues of friends and family, we may recognise how our central theme of that time is theirs too.  This mirroring acts as confirmation that we are indeed a global society on a global journey of learning, that can affect us all!

I’ve always been able to identify the different stages of my life, and see the opening and closing of each stage. Recently I recognised that another traumatic stage of my life had completed.  I felt relieved as I acknowledged how hard I’d been finding life for some time, and hoped the universe would allow me a resting stage to re-gather my strength and positivity before I faced the next step. But we can’t control some aspects of our growth, only learn to attend to them as soon as we can, in order to reduce discomfort and suffering caused because of them.  So, when troublesome events started to present themselves to me – along with rising discomforts, I quickly started to search for the meaning hidden behind them.

I’d been struggling to meet obligations I’d imposed upon myself, that catered for other’s needs, and put my life on hold because I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to focus on my issues. I realised this attitude meant I stayed stuck in the quagmire of frustration, anger, resentment, despondency and despair, that was hidden beneath my compassionate acts. But I’d become so embroiled in pushing myself to cope with family problems that felt overwhelming, that I’d closed my awareness off to my own needs, because I couldn’t cope with them as well as all the other things I had to do.

Self-denial and detachment crept in, but I didn’t acknowledge it because my needs were too much for me to cope with!

It was only when I received two requests for favours, one after the other from separate people, that truth finally hit me!  Initially when I refused their requests I started to beat myself up, as usual when I think I’m letting someone down.  But  once I straightened my thinking out, I allowed my indignance to guide me to what I needed to see more clearly.

I had to allow myself to stomp my feet (mentally not physically)and admit I didn’t want to commit my time and attention to helping anyone at the moment.  I had no energy left for me, as even though I did have some spare time, I wasn’t using it to replenish my energies or develop my business, because I felt so tired.  Yet even after all the self-development work I’d done, I still felt guilty about saying no! So, ‘What was this all about?’ I asked myself!

I learned about assertiveness years ago.  I understand it well, and believe me when I boldly say that I try to use my assertiveness power as and when it’s needed!  So why was this ‘NO’ issue rising again?  What was I missing?

Looking back over recent events and the predicament I felt I was in, I could see that saying ‘No’ was not just about refusing requests from others.  It was also about self-control, like saying ‘NO’ to the bars of chocolate I’d been consuming to quell my tiredness and despondency, and ‘No’ to the voices in my head that told me I deserved to have them.  It was about refusing to allow myself to beat me up any more for what I wasn’t doing, for what I had or hadn’t done!  It was about stopping myself from striving to meet my own and others unrealistic expectations of what can be achieved in limiting circumstances, and stopping to rest when I required respite.

It was about seeing how I’d taken on responsibility that I couldn’t cope with! I was trying to make things easier and better for others.  But though there were unavoidable tasks I had to perform, did I have to do SO much?  Did I have to do ‘EVERYTHING I COULD TO MAKE LIFE EASIER FOR OTHERS, AT THE EXPENSE OF MY OWN LIFE AND HEALTH?’

Why had I not seen, after all my experiences and traumatic times, that whilst I can support people in times of trouble, I cannot fix their lives – especially if I neglect my own? And why did I keep on trying so hard to protect other people from their life-changing problems?

Thus I realised how hard I’d been pushing myself.  And how much of myself I’d been denying!  No wonder I felt miserable, anxious and worried all the time! Didn’t I realise how our problems help us develop new skills.  Didn’t I know that facing our fear makes us stronger and wiser? Of course I did, I’m a counselling therapist! But did I really think I had to step in because my loved ones were so fragile, and they would die if faced with problems they felt they couldn’t handle?  Yes I did actually! A fear caused by past experiences that left their imprint upon my subconscious mind, which infiltrated my logic and distorted the reality of what is!  This is being dealt with now!

There are many who say if you reach for the stars you will touch them.  But we have to account for the fact that physical, mental and emotional needs will stop us in our track, if they are not met. And environmental and universal influences will negatively affect our energy when we are low, by making us feel more tired, listless and depressed.

If we feel overwhelmed it’s okay to ask for help! But if we don’t give ourselves what we need to survive, no-one else will. Everyone these days is trying to cope with their own stuff!  Meaning no one can help fix us, unless we take the time and make the effort to try to fix ourselves first!

‘NO’ is such a short sound.  But it has a huge meaning!  ‘No’ can save our lives and protect us, but it can also keep us confined in our stagnating comfort zone!  Saying ‘No’ means we can stand up for what we believe is right and proper.  But it can also promote our rebelliousness, that causes harm to ourselves or others!  Sometimes we say ‘No’ when we mean ‘Yes’ and vice versa, so if we want to get what we want and need, we have to ensure we say what we really mean.

I’ve decided to put my needs on par with others, for a time anyway, as I realise this is my life, with one chance to enjoy the benefits of being who I am.  Most importantly I’ve eventually accepted that it’s no good being a good Samaritan, if it kills you in the process.  Or use external substances to cope with painful emotions and life, but which destroy physical health!

So often we lose ourselves within our problems.  But regardless of how hard we try to avoid them, problems will keep rearing their ugliness at us. But if we don’t learn to say ‘No’ to things that will harm us, we will never be happy, healthy and fulfilled.

Learning to say ‘No’ means we can stand up and say …‘ I know what I need and make sure I get it’!  And even though it might take a bit of practice to get the ‘No’ in the right place at the right time, saying ‘No’ will enable us to regain our confidence, because we are aware that whilst we may not be able to escape the trials and tribulations that life throws at us, we know we always have the power to choose how we deal with situations, and our reactive, needy  self!

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Following my previous post   ‘If It Wasn’t For This Confusion!’, I’ve recognised that whilst struggling to identify where I should be going and how I can earn money to pay bills, I’ve also identified  how much time I’m spending fighting myself versus others.  Because whilst I yearn to do something for me or my cause, other commitments that involve vulnerable family members, take me away from focussing on what I would like to be doing. Where my time, energy and attention is prioritised upon their needs, not mine!

But when I look back at my life, I see that’s how it’s always been!  As there’s always something or someone more important than me that merits my time and attention, regardless of whether it’s completing a task for the house, other people, work, whatever!  So whilst I’ve attended to my survival needs, including self-medicating on addictions to cope with my stress, my creative needs have been given little opportunity to manifest in the past, because they’ve not been recognised as priority by myself or others!  How sad is that! And the worrying thing is I’m still doing it, still following the same pattern of self-exclusion!

As a counselling therapist, I’m strongly in favour of accepting responsibility for ‘Self-Accountability’, as that promotes feelings of power and control over ourself.  So analysing myself has become part of my daily routine, as it helps me stay on top of ego prompts that try to mislead me.  It doesn’t worry me that I see my faults, as if I don’t see them how can I correct them?  Also, if I strive to ignore faults in my personality that hide the ‘real me’, then how will I ever find the courageous  and wise personality that will lead me to become all I was destined to be?

However, I’ve had to take a closer look at what I’m doing at the moment.  As I know I’m getting older and the time is getting closer when I must make changes to access the potential of my soul, so that I can fulfil my life purpose. But though I’ve got internal prompts that push me toward focussing on my direction, I find it so difficult to pull myself away, or split myself into even smaller pieces, when people I love need a high level of support at the moment.

Self-awareness is a magnificent tool for self-development, as long as we remain centred and objective, and don’t creep into the ego, which compels us to start viewing ourselves from a negative position of good, bad, right or wrong – which can lead to self-destructive tendencies.  So because I feel so much internal conflict inside of me, I know I’ve been missing something, a way of thinking I need to correct.

We all have responsibilities we have to attend to, that take our time and energy.  Meaning some things we enjoy doing, such as hobbies, have to somehow squeeze in-between other commitments.   But I’m sure there are others like me, whose life seems dominated by outside commitments, where at times, in fact most of the time, there is little time or energy left to do what we want.

When we have a soul desire, we often fail to prioritise it because the feelings it evokes, as we envisage the outcome, brings us pleasure, satisfaction and fulfilment.  We’re more likely to attend to things that create anxious or fearful feelings to rise, in order to stop our pain.  But just like other impulses, when we ignore or resist soul-drives, they get stronger and more persistent until we acknowledge them, and take necessary actions to accommodate or heal them. So where does that leave me, and how do I determine the best, most appropriate route for prioritising my time, effort and energy?

Some of you are aware that my mums partner Ron, aged 76, broke his neck in October last year.  And although we’ve almost lost him many times, he’s still with us, and is now in the Royal National Orthopaedic Hospital at Stanmore, Middlesex, which has proved to be a wonderful, caring environment for such distressing health problems.  Whilst Ron has regained most of his mobility, he’s left with disabilities that mean he will probably have to permanently live in a nursing home, once he leaves Stanmore.

My mother Dolly, aged 85, is disabled with a debilitating condition that makes standing and walking very difficult.  Her breathing is also affected by COPD. Ron used to help her in many ways.  Since he’s not been around she has to manage daily life by herself, with the help of myself, my husband, my sister and aunt. And although I’ve now organised a cleaner, gardener, and local handyman for her, everyday existence is becoming increasingly difficult, because she is in constant pain and what she really needs is constant care!

Even though I’m stressed out, I count my blessings every day! I’m grateful my mum and Ron are still with us and  I’m grateful I’ve got the ability, health and strength to do what little I can do to help them. Even though they’ve each got so many problems they worry about, they still laugh and show an interest in what’s happening in the world.  And whilst I’m really worried about my life and what will become of me if I don’t find a way to express my talents – because of the internal pressure it’s causing me, I also look at them, Dolly and Ron.  And I have to ask ‘What about them?’. Can I really put myself before them?

Ron’s having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact he won’t be able to return home, because his flat is on the first floor and he won’t be able to manage the stairs.  He thinks we don’t care about him anymore because he can’t return to his flat, and he’s been in hospital all this time (he thinks we’ve let him stay there, meaning he also thinks we could have got him out).  His limited perception means he can’t see the real reason things are happening to him, and so his mind is confused.  He is resistant to change.  He wants things to return to how they were before his accident. And as he’s now become institutionalised within the hospital, which is now his comfort zone, moving anywhere terrifies him!  Everyday he sits and worries about money, mum, how he can get back to his flat, what the doctors and nurses do or don’t do with, or for him. He has no real concept of how he will be restricted by his disability though, as he sees himself as ‘back to normal’ even though he clearly isn’t! Yet he doesn’t sit there whining or moaning all the time, when we visit.  He’s just grateful we are there with him, in that little space of time!

My mum strives to remain independent and it upsets her that she can’t do many things she used to.  Her mind is still all there thank God. But that means she can see the reality of her situation.  She knows her body is failing and she needs more hospital checks, more treatment that she needs our help to get. Her life must change!  She is scared about what is going to happen to her and the pressure her care is imposing upon us, the family! She worries about us, and what’s going to happen to Ron!  She worries about how we’re all going to cope with her and Ron’s needs in the future!  She spend most of her days alone with her television.  But apart from her occasionally mentioning ‘the pain was bad today’, or she’s ‘had enough of living this way’, you never hear her moan about her lot!  She’s just really grateful that she’s got the help she’s got!

So whilst I’m having to deal with a lot of matters on their behalf, experiencing frustration caused by bureaucratic rules, decisions about the future, form-filling, social workers, and Havering Borough Council (which I’m currently infuriated with), I’ve been worrying and moaning about what I haven’t got!  I haven’t got enough money to pay my bills! I haven’t got the time or impetus to promote myself or my work, which means I can’t earn the money to pay my bills.  I haven’t got the time or energy to do more for my mum, to spend every day sorting out her life, to visit Ron more at Stanmore, to making his life easier when he denies he has a problem!  I haven’t the confidence now to go out and give talks about what I know, to those who need my help!  I sometimes wonder if I’ve got the energy to be all I’m meant to be!  Maybe that’s the stumbling block to my success!

I see how I’ve been causing extra distress by not going with the flow. Where I’ve created resistance because I’ve been trying to priorities ‘fix-it’ needs, ignoring my desires by believing that once I sort out current problems, there will be a clear space for me to do what I want.  But the problems never stop do they? Which means that as problems are on-going, there will never be that clear space I’ve been seeking, for as long as I can remember!

So, I’ve decided that I’m expecting too much of myself, so must change my thought process – again!  If I was working with a client who was presenting the same situation as mine, I would help them find a way to do a little of everything they needed and wanted to do.  I would encourage them not to make vital decisions during such stressful times, but to ensure they worked toward their preferred goals.  I would encourage them to consider their needs as important as others, and to make sure if there are priority lists, their name and agenda is listed on it, not put off or delayed until the time is right!  So I must practice what I preach!

Even though I’ve ignored my needs for a long time, I’m not prepared to ignore the needs of my mum and Ron! I hate to see them suffering!  However, I am a product of my own neglect and now realise that whilst I strive to help others, instead of allowing the battle for priority to commence between them and me, I must fight to ensure we all get some of what we need – including me!  So I’m looking at what I can do now.

I can still juggle my finances somehow, for a time anyway! I can still help others when I can!  I can still say ‘NO’ when I’ve had enough!  And even though I’m not earning money through my work, I can still help others in various ways!  I can still write articles and blogs.  I can still create!  I can still learn something I didn’t know before!  I can still love and accept myself, others and life! I can still remember to be me and live my life in ways I choose, that make me feel happy and fulfilled!

I’m hoping that once I stop beating myself up for not doing more(which is driven by the ‘be perfect’ need that creates resistance), and allow myself to do what’s needed at the time(which will allow my anxiety to reduce), my energy will feel better.  And if I resist focussing on what I can’t do because of the stress I’m under,  I’m hoping my creative spirit will find its way to the surface, and allow my soul to lead me directly to the people I can help, in order to earn the money I need to survive!  As I endorse the ‘Everything is in perfect order’ belief, maybe that’s what this time of my life has been all about.  I’ll soon find out – wish me luck, please!

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I’ve spent my life searching for one thing or another, and have become extremely proficient at achieving most goals I set my sights upon.  But it worries me that I have developed so many skills and abilities, yet I’m still searching and still feel unfulfilled!

Setting clear goals to aim for is vitally important if we want to achieve more. And as my career path has been a stumbling block for some time now, because I seem unable to clarify what exactly I want to be doing with my life, I decided to review my career goal, by imaging as clearly as I could what success would mean to me.

As I closed my eyes the images were already starting to appear, where I could see myself at a huge, posh reception. My family was there also,  and we mingled with the celebrities and other successful business people, holding glasses of sparkling champagne in our hands.

When I asked my higher mind why I was there, it became apparent that we were all there to celebrate the success of my book, where publishers, publicity agents, press, people who had liked my work, were congratulating me on my success.

Even though this scenario prompted my anxiety as I envisaged its reality, I tried to make myself feel proud of me, as I watched the scenes evolve, relieved to think that maybe one day my current book would find it’s way out of storage, and others in my head might eventually be published.  But I wondered how this could ever actualise, as one of my biggest problems is my lack of ability to market myself.

Thus selling my creations has proven somewhat difficult in the past.  As regardless of the high quality and efficacy of my product, which I could acknowledge, I had problems promoting me – for various reasons I won’t even go into.  As the truth is, they should not still be affecting me now, after all the work I’ve done on myself!

So, because this was a self-awareness exercise, I knew I had to think about the scenes in my mind and find a way to see what I’d been missing!

A couple of days later, I realised that whilst the scenes I’d imagined may come as a consequence of my success as an author, there was still something missing.  As where did I go from there?  Would I aim for more successful writing, more fame, more money?  How would that make me feel?  The answer was clear!  This sort of success provided a sense of safety and esteem, as it could bring forth the financial stability I’d been striving to find for many years.  But it didn’t make me feel complete or euphoric!

Amongst other things I’m a counsellor, a helper, a healer, a light worker, or whatever else describes people like me, who have the ability and desire to help others cope with their lives. I know when I make a positive difference to someone’s life, because I get a wonderful feeling in my heart centre that confirms I’ve been helpful in some way.  Some describe this feeling as love, but it’s more than that.  It’s a feeling of totality that incorporates all other good feelings. But in the celebratory scenes in my mind, I didn’t have that feeling.  I felt proud of myself, relieved that my hard work had paid off, and grateful that my accomplishments had been recognised.  But I didn’t get that special feeling in my heart centre, that I loved to feel, and that made my efforts worthwhile!

The creation of my beautiful guidance cards (Insight Pocket Cards – available from my website, Amazon or Waterstone’s), was derived from spiritual guiding messages I’d received over the last twenty years.  One of the messages went something like this…..‘Fame is just for an instant.  So if you simply aim to achieve fame you will always feel a loser.  But if you search for meaning and purpose your name could live on forever!’

I’d taken this message on board when I received it many years ago, and appreciated being reminded that the ego can fool us so easily into believing we’re doing the right thing for the right reasons, when really we’re not.  But now this message had even more relevance to it, because although my intent was to aim for the highest good, the celebration scenes in my mind were clearly about financial security and stardom!

This doesn’t mean that it’s a bad thing or we can’t have it all.  It just means that maybe the long-term meaning and purpose has to come first, before we can claim the benefits of the rewards.  I thought I already knew this.  Just goes to show how we can fool ourselves doesn’t it!

Now at last I can recognise the stumbling block (I’ve sabotaged my success and fulfilment because I’ve been aiming for the wrong thing), I’ve got some work to do with my unconscious. Where I have to consciously create a route between now and the celebration party, that is filled with things that generate the good feeling I get in my heart when I’ve helped someone.

So instead of just seeking ways to earn money through my products, I guess my search is now going to be about how to find that good feeling in my heart, which hopefully will guide me toward my higher purpose.  The search continues…..I’ll let you know how I get on!

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