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Posts Tagged ‘Love’

Last week, Wednesday 29th May at 3.15 p.m. to be precise, my beautiful Eclectus parrot Chloe, had to be put to sleep.  As other pet owners will recognise, I considered Chloe to be my baby – for the last eighteen years.  I loved her dearly and will miss her soooooo much!

Each morning I would smile when she shouted loudly ‘Wot you doin!’, which was her way of saying ‘Come on, open up my cage.  I want to come out and have some breakfast!’.  She was quite a good talker and never screeched, even when she was younger.  She would just talk, or make a sweet chirping sound, letting us know she was there, that she wanted to play, or just wanting to respond to our prompts.  She was one of the family alright! Same mealtimes, social times, play times.  I can’t believe she’s not here any more!

Chloe was always there, always there for me to chat to.  In fact, all those years ago, when people asked me why I wanted a parrot, I told them ‘Because I wanted someone to talk to’! Of course I was joking (a little bit – but that’s another story).  But it was true really….she was always there, willing to listen to what I had to say, and chirp or cheep in acknowledgement at the right moment!  Asking nothing in return really, other than just to be part of my life!  My adorable little Chloe….!

I’m trying to reassure myself that ‘It was her time’…It’s funny how that statement can console us isn’t it?  When we realise that it was the right time for our loved one to leave us, to go where they need to be to complete the next stage of their own soul journey.  It pacifies us just a little, knowing the time was right for them to return home to the higher dimensions!

But now she’s gone…my little ray of sunshine!  And regardless of the fact that my Chloe was ‘just’ a pet parrot, (in some people’s eyes), the dreaded grief has kicked in big time!

I HATE BEING IN GRIEF – IT HURTS SO MUCH!…I know I’ve written this before in another blog post!

I can’t listen to certain music at the moment because it stimulates the horrible heaviness inside my stomach and the sensation that my heart centre has broken wide open. The feelings of adrenalin pumping away makes it difficult to sit still for too long, so I’m suddenly finding jobs I’ve put off are now getting done!  That’s a positive thing anyway…!!

The racing thoughts of past experiences with Chloe make me cry, as I remember what I’ve lost!  And the FEAR!  The fear that rises because now I feel vulnerable about the future, and my loved ones, and any further losses I might have to face.  The fear that keeps me awake at night because now I’ve started to worry about ‘What If’s…’ again – now that I’ve faced the trauma of loss – AGAIN!

Grief is grief…regardless of what stimulates it!  And thank God I know it’s also a process, that we have to work through, otherwise we may find ourselves drowning in internal anguish in the not so distant future.  So I’m monitoring and correcting my whirling mind, and changing my focus when I start to remember my Chloe, and feel the overwhelm of rising emotions trying to surface.  As just for now, I’m working to stand steady and let the emotional and mental crisis reaction rise, pass and subside…there’s time for remembering in the future – when my emotions are not so raw!

Grief makes us afraid, we know that.  ‘But can it bring us joy, when we have to face so much pain?’ I ask myself, along with the million dollar question …’What is this life really about?’….!

When we lose someone/pet  we love, something happens to us, that changes us forever!  Some people become bitter, angry, resentful, even more afraid, as they struggle to understand and cope with the way they feel!  Then there are others who see it as a fact of life, where their attitude is one of acceptance, we live – we die…simple fact!  It is true isn’t it – once we are born we have to die…so why do we fear it so much? Why is death so painful for the ones who are left?

The reality is we experience so many stages during the grief process, it’s like being on an emotional roller-coaster – we’re up, we’re down, we’re stable, we’re upside down!  All we can really hope for is that we eventually end up with our feet back on the ground, emotionally intact, even though we are dishevelled.

The waves of anguish, guilt, panic, sadness and fear  can overtake us, if we allow them to.  So it’s important to let the waves of mental and emotional energy flow through us, thus releasing any toxic emotions, rather than catching and focussing on their critical thoughts that can lead us to unnecessarily condemn ourselves, or stimulate more painful issues from the past.

Our memories of our loved ones are ours, to look at whenever we desire.  And whilst at the moment I can’t bear to look at anything to do with Chloe (I’ve got rid of her food, dishes, toys, and put her cages in the garage), I know this is simply my way of avoiding the terrible feelings that her loss has caused to rise inside of me.  In time I know I will remember her cuteness and individuality, and the shared experiences that  kept our emotional bond intact.

Me and hubby tearfully buried Chloe at the bottom of our garden on Friday night.  I lit a candle and said a loving prayer of farewell and thanks, that she had stayed in my life for so long. These symbolic gestures help us to feel able to release our loved one to the higher realms.  So in the future, when I think of Chloe, instead of remembering the trauma of her last few hours of life, I can imagine her flying free, with the angels in heaven!

But even though I trust she has reached the heavenly light, I don’t want to look at that part of the garden where she’s buried, as it makes me remember; when my pain wants me to forget so that I don’t feel hurt anymore!

But what is it that I’m really feeling?

I’ve watched myself closely since Chloe died.  Depending on the intensity of our grief, we do have the capacity to control how we react to how we feel. So I made up my mind that I didn’t want to over-react, I didn’t want the shock and stress to tip me over the top.  And I didn’t want to suffer the pain of grief any longer than I have to!  But one of the first observations that I noticed, when I was feeling particularly bad in the early hours and was trying to identify the feelings raging through me…, was that the pain that hurt so much was actually…. LOVE…!

‘Love making us feel that bad?’…you might say!  I know… I thought that can’t be right, but as I focussed and felt the raw power of pure love emotion in my whole being, instead of feeling blissful – as we’d expect, it hurt badly because it was sooo powerful and overwhelmed me!

The pain in my heart led the solar plexus to erupt, stimulating reactive fear and negative thoughts in my mind.  This is the point I want to scream loudly!  But I don’t.  I just let the energy flow through me, until the surge has passed and I can breathe again!

They say ‘Love never dies’ don’t they?  It does, of course within some relationships.  But when we lose someone/pet we love, the love in our heart remains and often gets stronger, as we allow ourselves to mentally embrace their being, our memory of who and what they were to us, and acknowledge our feelings about them.  As we do this our heart centre resonates with universal love energy, which amplifies what we are feeling, reflecting back to us the love that we are emitting toward our lost one!

And after a time, when we stop hurting so much, we can start to remember our relationship with them and feel the love in our hearts that maybe we were not fully aware of then.  The love, the joy that that loving person/pet was in our life for a little while, to help us on our journey!

So yes, I guess we can find joy in grief – but it takes a little while to be able to feel it!

For all those who are also experiencing grief at the moment….I send my love and prayers to you, and ask that God wraps his arms around you when you hurt the most, giving you the comfort to know that even though you may feel isolated in your grief and pain, you are not alone – ever!  And that terrible pain inside, that makes us feel so bad?  Well believe it or not, it will eventually subside, given time!  Just give yourself that time – don’t let the adrenalyn push you over the edge.  Stay steady, try to stay calm, and let the tears flow when they need to.

For me, my aim is to ride the stormy path until my pain reduces.  However, I’ve already decided I will not be getting another parrot..or even another pet!  Mind you, I could change my mind…!

My Chloe is free now, to fly where she wants.  Here is a picture of her  taken about three years ago….

Thank you for being my friend darling.  I will miss you so much but we will meet again one day in the future.  Until then I hold you in my heart, with love xx

Thank you for being my friend darling. I will miss you so much but we will meet again one day in the future. Until then I hold you in my heart, with love xx

R.I.P. Chloe – 3.8.1995 – 29.5.2013 – Love is the legacy you left behind…!

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I know it may sound corny, and I know you’ve probably heard it said a million times or more.  But today I’m taking the risk to say it once again…Everyone Matters!!

It’s christmas, and is the time when feelings and emotions we’ve kept suppressed or hidden, find their way to the surface!  The feelings that make us say that ‘I’m okay’ when really we’re not!  The thoughts that make us think we’re not bothered, when really we are!

Christmas has an uncomfortable tendency to bring our problems and isolation to a peak, because whilst christmas is supposed to be a time of joyful giving and good will, there are those who have no-one in their lives to enable this participation of exchange of loving energies! So instead of being a time of joy, christmas becomes an intolerable nightmare of acute recognition, of just how bad life actually is!

There are many lonely people out there, who don’t let on how bad they feel about themselves and their life.  It doesn’t really matter if they live alone, or with others.  Or how old they are!  They feel as they do, and hate the way they feel, because they feel insignificant. They feel they don’t matter!

But if just a few of us made the effort to watch others a bit more closely, to talk to others a bit more often, then loneliness may not feel so bad.  Because just a few words, or a simple gesture of friendship, can make that lonely person believe that someone, somewhere, cares about how they feel!

It hurts when we feel that we don’t matter, that no-one is on our side, that there’s nobody we can call on to comfort us when we feel upset. The great sadness is that there are so many people who feel this way! Children, adults of all ages, even our pets need our love and companionship!

We think our pain is just our pain, but it’s not!  It’s part of the whole of humanity that is turning a corner in its evolutionary journey of change.

So as we enter 2013, let’s make a point of doing things differently…!

Let’s start caring about everybody, including ourselves.  And including those that we think harshly of, or resent, or dislike, or want to punish because they’ve hurt us in some way, at some time!

We don’t have to go back for more of the same.  We just have to let all the pain and resentment created in the past, leave our energy system, so it stops causing us more pain in the future! And when we start to think negatively, which we do because we’re human, all you need do, to create a miracle, is simply start thinking loving thoughts.  The energy changes immediately!

So when you walk along the street and see someone in pain, or needy, or hurting.  Or someone who is scared, or angry, or proud.  Instead of thinking about what they’re doing to make their life worse (or yours), remember they are simply a soul, like you, on a learning journey! Then let your heart fill with love, and mentally send it straight to them.  That’s all you have to do!

They and you will feel the benefit of this energy exchange, and it will cause a ripple effect that unites with everyone else who is sending out loving thoughts and feelings.  And when we can all feel this loving energy in our hearts, we will truly know that we all matter, as we are all part of the whole of humanity!

If you are alone, or hurting, or confused, or ailing this christmas, I want you to know that even though I don’t know you, I care that you feel this way!  And although I may not physically be able to help and support you, I would like to let you know that my prayers filled with love will find their way to you, along the universal energetic pathways, which may help reassure you that you are never really alone! Not totally!

I wish each of you a merry christmas, regardless of where you are and who you are with.  And a heart and life filled with the miraculous healing energy called love, that will create the miracles you’ve dreamed about!

Sending you all love, light, peace, joy, and many blessings for the future starting 2013.

Chrissie xx

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I’ve spent my life searching for one thing or another, and have become extremely proficient at achieving most goals I set my sights upon.  But it worries me that I have developed so many skills and abilities, yet I’m still searching and still feel unfulfilled!

Setting clear goals to aim for is vitally important if we want to achieve more. And as my career path has been a stumbling block for some time now, because I seem unable to clarify what exactly I want to be doing with my life, I decided to review my career goal, by imaging as clearly as I could what success would mean to me.

As I closed my eyes the images were already starting to appear, where I could see myself at a huge, posh reception. My family was there also,  and we mingled with the celebrities and other successful business people, holding glasses of sparkling champagne in our hands.

When I asked my higher mind why I was there, it became apparent that we were all there to celebrate the success of my book, where publishers, publicity agents, press, people who had liked my work, were congratulating me on my success.

Even though this scenario prompted my anxiety as I envisaged its reality, I tried to make myself feel proud of me, as I watched the scenes evolve, relieved to think that maybe one day my current book would find it’s way out of storage, and others in my head might eventually be published.  But I wondered how this could ever actualise, as one of my biggest problems is my lack of ability to market myself.

Thus selling my creations has proven somewhat difficult in the past.  As regardless of the high quality and efficacy of my product, which I could acknowledge, I had problems promoting me – for various reasons I won’t even go into.  As the truth is, they should not still be affecting me now, after all the work I’ve done on myself!

So, because this was a self-awareness exercise, I knew I had to think about the scenes in my mind and find a way to see what I’d been missing!

A couple of days later, I realised that whilst the scenes I’d imagined may come as a consequence of my success as an author, there was still something missing.  As where did I go from there?  Would I aim for more successful writing, more fame, more money?  How would that make me feel?  The answer was clear!  This sort of success provided a sense of safety and esteem, as it could bring forth the financial stability I’d been striving to find for many years.  But it didn’t make me feel complete or euphoric!

Amongst other things I’m a counsellor, a helper, a healer, a light worker, or whatever else describes people like me, who have the ability and desire to help others cope with their lives. I know when I make a positive difference to someone’s life, because I get a wonderful feeling in my heart centre that confirms I’ve been helpful in some way.  Some describe this feeling as love, but it’s more than that.  It’s a feeling of totality that incorporates all other good feelings. But in the celebratory scenes in my mind, I didn’t have that feeling.  I felt proud of myself, relieved that my hard work had paid off, and grateful that my accomplishments had been recognised.  But I didn’t get that special feeling in my heart centre, that I loved to feel, and that made my efforts worthwhile!

The creation of my beautiful guidance cards (Insight Pocket Cards – available from my website, Amazon or Waterstone’s), was derived from spiritual guiding messages I’d received over the last twenty years.  One of the messages went something like this…..‘Fame is just for an instant.  So if you simply aim to achieve fame you will always feel a loser.  But if you search for meaning and purpose your name could live on forever!’

I’d taken this message on board when I received it many years ago, and appreciated being reminded that the ego can fool us so easily into believing we’re doing the right thing for the right reasons, when really we’re not.  But now this message had even more relevance to it, because although my intent was to aim for the highest good, the celebration scenes in my mind were clearly about financial security and stardom!

This doesn’t mean that it’s a bad thing or we can’t have it all.  It just means that maybe the long-term meaning and purpose has to come first, before we can claim the benefits of the rewards.  I thought I already knew this.  Just goes to show how we can fool ourselves doesn’t it!

Now at last I can recognise the stumbling block (I’ve sabotaged my success and fulfilment because I’ve been aiming for the wrong thing), I’ve got some work to do with my unconscious. Where I have to consciously create a route between now and the celebration party, that is filled with things that generate the good feeling I get in my heart when I’ve helped someone.

So instead of just seeking ways to earn money through my products, I guess my search is now going to be about how to find that good feeling in my heart, which hopefully will guide me toward my higher purpose.  The search continues…..I’ll let you know how I get on!

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