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Posts Tagged ‘Responsibilities’

Since I’ve recently had my computer repaired, I’ve found it impossible to write anything.  I offer myself various reasons – I’m tired, can’t be bothered, don’t know what to write about.  Nothing seems significant enough for me to comment on….all lame excuses for my lack of creativity, which appears to be  having a rest at the moment!  Seems like it was more than just my computer that reached breaking point…created by enforced change!

Not only that, but instead of finding consolation, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to listen to other people’s messages of motivation.  Where an uncharacteristic, common response from me is something like old Scrooge saying…BAH!…HUMBUG!…to anything he doesn’t want to deal with!

The strange thing is that I’m not really that worried about not writing at the moment… And I don’t want to listen to ‘them’ as I’ve heard it all before, no-one is telling me anything new…etc.! (No disrespect to anyone here – it’s just how I’m feeling at the moment)!

So if I’m not writing or listening to others, what AM I doing?

Well interestingly enough, I am making decisions most of the time now…which is somewhat of a surprise to me, as previously I found it difficult to make choices which meant I committed myself to anything! Of course that reluctance is linked to my inner fear, my life circumstances, and my indecision traits exaggerated because I’m a Libran (that’s my excuse anyway)! But what has happened, that made me want to over-ride my own negative traits?  What made me want to change my habits of a lifetime?

I’m wondering whether my apparent intolerance to some things, is simply a way to make me focus on issues that are more important and relevant to ME – unfinished business and all that stuff….!  After all, this is said to be a time for letting go of the Piscean past, that holds us back from the Aquarian future.  And if we don’t change what we’re doing we will suffer the consequences of remaining stuck – and whatever they may be they will not be comfortable to experience I’m sure!

To understand this we have to take account of the current energetic changes that have taken place recently…!

There was much hype about the 21.12.12 date and how things would change.  And whilst there were those who predicted doom and gloom, I think many were hoping this event would provide the ‘MIRACLE’, that would magically fix our lives, that would give us clear insight into what we should be doing, and where we should be going!  I know I was hoping this energetic change would mean things would get a bit easier for us – as the past has certainly be harder to cope with than most of us expected!

Alas…change wasn’t going to be that easy…it never is, is it?

But whilst there appears to be no obvious changes in my life,  if I let go of my expectations of what I would’ve liked to have happened, and look back over recent months – since 21.12.12, I can clearly see how changes in my mentality have occurred , and how I am using my power in a different way than before – as since this time I am attempting to design my actions for MY benefit, to meet MY intrinsic soul needs, rather than spreading my energy over external matters that regularly leave me feeling drained and exhausted!

I am trying to manage my own energy in a different way (this does take a bit of practice), and whereas before 21.12.12 I felt ‘stuck’, for some reason since that date I don’t. And although I’ve still not got a strong energetic pull in any particular direction to express my creativity, which still frustrates me, my heart is pulsing to speak, to share, to help and assist, wherever I am driven to do so!

However, I still have to remind myself to remember, that like everyone other human on this planet, I (or my energy) is being changed.  And that I am metamorphoses in action.  Where as my energy field seeks ways to adapt and adjust to new vibrational frequencies, my physical body tries to do it’s own thing to re-stabilise, whilst my mind and emotions want to freak-out because of the unknown inevitabilities we face in the forthcoming future!  Phew…what an upheaval!

Yet strangely enough, whilst on some level I feel quite chaotic, in my heart centre my soul breathes love at last!  IT, my restricted, trapped, higher self, feels peace because it knows the time is right to be free from my human restraint.  I feel reassured that what we’ve been waiting for so long, has now started to arrive…although it still makes me nervous to know that our destination is a long way off yet…so there’s still more work we each have to do, to get where we need to be!

The journey of ego-control has been such an arduous trek, where those of us who followed our soul-guidance found hardship, challenge and intense pain, when actually we sought to find internal peace.  I know as I got deeper into our ‘ascension process’ and realised what our pathway ahead looked like, I felt such utter despair at the enormous task I’d agreed to undertake. And whereas at one time I thought that cognitive correction or reframing was all that was necessary for me to reduce my fear-filled existence, I soon realised I was actually healing my energy of pain from other times, other lives, other existences, that it had encumbered since the beginning of time.

WHAT A HUGE TASK !!! – But how can we succeed in changing the way we live, to a world filled with loving and compassionate beings, when everyone and everything else had failed in the past?

But I had to trust that the universe knew what it was doing, as man certainly didn’t!  I wanted to believe my channelled messages that spoke of self-healing first, before we can truly help others.  Messages over the many years that tried to reassure me that my fear was my own creation, that it wasn’t real in true terms, that only love could set us free from our fear-filled belief system! As I faced my darkest demons, I wanted to trust that I was protected, and guided at all times by compassionate beings affiliated to universal God energy. I had to learn that I was multi-dimensional, and that was hard!

Many searching like me, gave up along the way.  Many persevered, and have survived their self-defeating mentality.  Regardless, this is a universal healing exercise – we will all be converted back to our original SELF, at some time in the future.  The plan is bigger than human….and it has to happen – for our benefit!

We all like to know where we’re heading, as we can prepare ourselves.  But no-one really knew what would happen on or after 21.12.12.  I usually channel clear, trustworthy information most of the time that helps me understand the truth of the world, but I’ve not been able to access my sources lately, due to the over-activity of my mind.  Thus, whilst I can clearly identify the TRENDS of energy that compel us to move in certain directions, I’m having to take guidance from others, who have gained access to higher wisdom that is meant to help us evolve our consciousness. This means as I gather information, I can formulate ideas about what direction we are energetically being propelled into, confirm or dispel the idea according to my levels of global and personal discernment, leaving me with a sort of clear picture of what is happening to our species!

This is what I know so far….

There was speculation that this energetic shift would bring up old issues to be healed….This I’ve found to be true, as many childhood/past life/other issues that I’ve dealt with over the years, have re-surfaced for final healing and release, where most of the time I just had to let the memory go, so to release it from my mental and emotional energy field.

I’ve heard many people saying they are physically affected by this energy shift…exhausted, spaced out, confused, disorientated, became ill where they needed to see their GP (even holistic therapists have sought help from allopathic treatments).  This is our body adjusting to the new energy vibration, which will indicate any pre-existing condition that needs healing, that will limit our energetic capacity for expansion. So we need to listen to what our body is telling us now, at this time.  If we feel exhausted maybe we need to rest for a while, rather than keep pushing forward toward our perceived goal.

Releasing the ego has always been a big issue for us….but if it’s our time to let it go, then it will be easier to change than to carry on as we are.  Because the opposing energy will make us feel so bad we won’t want to stay as we are!

Our mind is the Creator!  If we haven’t grasped it already, this will be the time when we realise without doubt, that we are the creators of our world, caused by the thoughts in our mind!  Our thoughts, when linked to our emotions, have the power to manifest the content of our fear/love!  Regardless of whether we realise it, or like it or not, the choice of what we manifest is ours!  Be careful what you wish for….good advice at his time I’d say!

Also, it’s useful to remember….

*We are all here to help each other!

*There is no one higher than ourselves who can help our soul evolve!

*We have all the wisdom we need within our consciousness – we just have to find a way to access that information!

*There is no single miracle cure! Miracles are happening all of the time, as every minute of the day a miracle occurs somewhere, in someone’s life.  You can all receive miracles at will! You just have to be clear about what you want to receive, let go of how it will happen, and trust that it will manifest at some time – but it must be for the highest good!

*No-one can harm you once you are on your soul path, because your perception of ’harm’ changes!

Humans are going through enforced change and have been doing so for many years.  But we are involved in a process that is in its final stages of a particular phase, that will now affect us and our lives by pushing us out of our comfort zones! We can delay it if we choose, but we can’t escape it, as earth and it’s inhabitants are protected by powers that be, that must ensure our future survival.

So, rather than resisting change, it’s probably easier to stand steady and let the change occur around you.  That way you may avoid unnecessary turbulence!

However, each of us has to work with our energy, to correct our misconceptions of life, to be accountable for our thoughts, feelings and actions! It’s our responsibility to heal our own energy, to work with our soul, our higher self, to bring us back into alignment with our true God nature!

Life becomes more comfortable once we take the emphasis off others making our life easier, and face our personal challenges with gusto!  As once we start to recognise the power we do have, to transform ourselves, we may start to use it to change our world!

Have a great day everyone!

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Over the years I’ve discovered that life moves us through various traumatic stages that have a beginning and end.  The purpose of these stages is to help us grow and learn.  Although each stage may vary in length and intensity of issues, and level of disruption to our lives, each stage contains a main theme that runs throughout.  Which is the driving force and pivotal learning point of our experience, that if recognised and adhered to, will enable us to improve our personality, life and future.

And if we look for the bigger picture of humanity, by also looking inwardly at issues of friends and family, we may recognise how our central theme of that time is theirs too.  This mirroring acts as confirmation that we are indeed a global society on a global journey of learning, that can affect us all!

I’ve always been able to identify the different stages of my life, and see the opening and closing of each stage. Recently I recognised that another traumatic stage of my life had completed.  I felt relieved as I acknowledged how hard I’d been finding life for some time, and hoped the universe would allow me a resting stage to re-gather my strength and positivity before I faced the next step. But we can’t control some aspects of our growth, only learn to attend to them as soon as we can, in order to reduce discomfort and suffering caused because of them.  So, when troublesome events started to present themselves to me – along with rising discomforts, I quickly started to search for the meaning hidden behind them.

I’d been struggling to meet obligations I’d imposed upon myself, that catered for other’s needs, and put my life on hold because I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to focus on my issues. I realised this attitude meant I stayed stuck in the quagmire of frustration, anger, resentment, despondency and despair, that was hidden beneath my compassionate acts. But I’d become so embroiled in pushing myself to cope with family problems that felt overwhelming, that I’d closed my awareness off to my own needs, because I couldn’t cope with them as well as all the other things I had to do.

Self-denial and detachment crept in, but I didn’t acknowledge it because my needs were too much for me to cope with!

It was only when I received two requests for favours, one after the other from separate people, that truth finally hit me!  Initially when I refused their requests I started to beat myself up, as usual when I think I’m letting someone down.  But  once I straightened my thinking out, I allowed my indignance to guide me to what I needed to see more clearly.

I had to allow myself to stomp my feet (mentally not physically)and admit I didn’t want to commit my time and attention to helping anyone at the moment.  I had no energy left for me, as even though I did have some spare time, I wasn’t using it to replenish my energies or develop my business, because I felt so tired.  Yet even after all the self-development work I’d done, I still felt guilty about saying no! So, ‘What was this all about?’ I asked myself!

I learned about assertiveness years ago.  I understand it well, and believe me when I boldly say that I try to use my assertiveness power as and when it’s needed!  So why was this ‘NO’ issue rising again?  What was I missing?

Looking back over recent events and the predicament I felt I was in, I could see that saying ‘No’ was not just about refusing requests from others.  It was also about self-control, like saying ‘NO’ to the bars of chocolate I’d been consuming to quell my tiredness and despondency, and ‘No’ to the voices in my head that told me I deserved to have them.  It was about refusing to allow myself to beat me up any more for what I wasn’t doing, for what I had or hadn’t done!  It was about stopping myself from striving to meet my own and others unrealistic expectations of what can be achieved in limiting circumstances, and stopping to rest when I required respite.

It was about seeing how I’d taken on responsibility that I couldn’t cope with! I was trying to make things easier and better for others.  But though there were unavoidable tasks I had to perform, did I have to do SO much?  Did I have to do ‘EVERYTHING I COULD TO MAKE LIFE EASIER FOR OTHERS, AT THE EXPENSE OF MY OWN LIFE AND HEALTH?’

Why had I not seen, after all my experiences and traumatic times, that whilst I can support people in times of trouble, I cannot fix their lives – especially if I neglect my own? And why did I keep on trying so hard to protect other people from their life-changing problems?

Thus I realised how hard I’d been pushing myself.  And how much of myself I’d been denying!  No wonder I felt miserable, anxious and worried all the time! Didn’t I realise how our problems help us develop new skills.  Didn’t I know that facing our fear makes us stronger and wiser? Of course I did, I’m a counselling therapist! But did I really think I had to step in because my loved ones were so fragile, and they would die if faced with problems they felt they couldn’t handle?  Yes I did actually! A fear caused by past experiences that left their imprint upon my subconscious mind, which infiltrated my logic and distorted the reality of what is!  This is being dealt with now!

There are many who say if you reach for the stars you will touch them.  But we have to account for the fact that physical, mental and emotional needs will stop us in our track, if they are not met. And environmental and universal influences will negatively affect our energy when we are low, by making us feel more tired, listless and depressed.

If we feel overwhelmed it’s okay to ask for help! But if we don’t give ourselves what we need to survive, no-one else will. Everyone these days is trying to cope with their own stuff!  Meaning no one can help fix us, unless we take the time and make the effort to try to fix ourselves first!

‘NO’ is such a short sound.  But it has a huge meaning!  ‘No’ can save our lives and protect us, but it can also keep us confined in our stagnating comfort zone!  Saying ‘No’ means we can stand up for what we believe is right and proper.  But it can also promote our rebelliousness, that causes harm to ourselves or others!  Sometimes we say ‘No’ when we mean ‘Yes’ and vice versa, so if we want to get what we want and need, we have to ensure we say what we really mean.

I’ve decided to put my needs on par with others, for a time anyway, as I realise this is my life, with one chance to enjoy the benefits of being who I am.  Most importantly I’ve eventually accepted that it’s no good being a good Samaritan, if it kills you in the process.  Or use external substances to cope with painful emotions and life, but which destroy physical health!

So often we lose ourselves within our problems.  But regardless of how hard we try to avoid them, problems will keep rearing their ugliness at us. But if we don’t learn to say ‘No’ to things that will harm us, we will never be happy, healthy and fulfilled.

Learning to say ‘No’ means we can stand up and say …‘ I know what I need and make sure I get it’!  And even though it might take a bit of practice to get the ‘No’ in the right place at the right time, saying ‘No’ will enable us to regain our confidence, because we are aware that whilst we may not be able to escape the trials and tribulations that life throws at us, we know we always have the power to choose how we deal with situations, and our reactive, needy  self!

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Following my previous post   ‘If It Wasn’t For This Confusion!’, I’ve recognised that whilst struggling to identify where I should be going and how I can earn money to pay bills, I’ve also identified  how much time I’m spending fighting myself versus others.  Because whilst I yearn to do something for me or my cause, other commitments that involve vulnerable family members, take me away from focussing on what I would like to be doing. Where my time, energy and attention is prioritised upon their needs, not mine!

But when I look back at my life, I see that’s how it’s always been!  As there’s always something or someone more important than me that merits my time and attention, regardless of whether it’s completing a task for the house, other people, work, whatever!  So whilst I’ve attended to my survival needs, including self-medicating on addictions to cope with my stress, my creative needs have been given little opportunity to manifest in the past, because they’ve not been recognised as priority by myself or others!  How sad is that! And the worrying thing is I’m still doing it, still following the same pattern of self-exclusion!

As a counselling therapist, I’m strongly in favour of accepting responsibility for ‘Self-Accountability’, as that promotes feelings of power and control over ourself.  So analysing myself has become part of my daily routine, as it helps me stay on top of ego prompts that try to mislead me.  It doesn’t worry me that I see my faults, as if I don’t see them how can I correct them?  Also, if I strive to ignore faults in my personality that hide the ‘real me’, then how will I ever find the courageous  and wise personality that will lead me to become all I was destined to be?

However, I’ve had to take a closer look at what I’m doing at the moment.  As I know I’m getting older and the time is getting closer when I must make changes to access the potential of my soul, so that I can fulfil my life purpose. But though I’ve got internal prompts that push me toward focussing on my direction, I find it so difficult to pull myself away, or split myself into even smaller pieces, when people I love need a high level of support at the moment.

Self-awareness is a magnificent tool for self-development, as long as we remain centred and objective, and don’t creep into the ego, which compels us to start viewing ourselves from a negative position of good, bad, right or wrong – which can lead to self-destructive tendencies.  So because I feel so much internal conflict inside of me, I know I’ve been missing something, a way of thinking I need to correct.

We all have responsibilities we have to attend to, that take our time and energy.  Meaning some things we enjoy doing, such as hobbies, have to somehow squeeze in-between other commitments.   But I’m sure there are others like me, whose life seems dominated by outside commitments, where at times, in fact most of the time, there is little time or energy left to do what we want.

When we have a soul desire, we often fail to prioritise it because the feelings it evokes, as we envisage the outcome, brings us pleasure, satisfaction and fulfilment.  We’re more likely to attend to things that create anxious or fearful feelings to rise, in order to stop our pain.  But just like other impulses, when we ignore or resist soul-drives, they get stronger and more persistent until we acknowledge them, and take necessary actions to accommodate or heal them. So where does that leave me, and how do I determine the best, most appropriate route for prioritising my time, effort and energy?

Some of you are aware that my mums partner Ron, aged 76, broke his neck in October last year.  And although we’ve almost lost him many times, he’s still with us, and is now in the Royal National Orthopaedic Hospital at Stanmore, Middlesex, which has proved to be a wonderful, caring environment for such distressing health problems.  Whilst Ron has regained most of his mobility, he’s left with disabilities that mean he will probably have to permanently live in a nursing home, once he leaves Stanmore.

My mother Dolly, aged 85, is disabled with a debilitating condition that makes standing and walking very difficult.  Her breathing is also affected by COPD. Ron used to help her in many ways.  Since he’s not been around she has to manage daily life by herself, with the help of myself, my husband, my sister and aunt. And although I’ve now organised a cleaner, gardener, and local handyman for her, everyday existence is becoming increasingly difficult, because she is in constant pain and what she really needs is constant care!

Even though I’m stressed out, I count my blessings every day! I’m grateful my mum and Ron are still with us and  I’m grateful I’ve got the ability, health and strength to do what little I can do to help them. Even though they’ve each got so many problems they worry about, they still laugh and show an interest in what’s happening in the world.  And whilst I’m really worried about my life and what will become of me if I don’t find a way to express my talents – because of the internal pressure it’s causing me, I also look at them, Dolly and Ron.  And I have to ask ‘What about them?’. Can I really put myself before them?

Ron’s having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact he won’t be able to return home, because his flat is on the first floor and he won’t be able to manage the stairs.  He thinks we don’t care about him anymore because he can’t return to his flat, and he’s been in hospital all this time (he thinks we’ve let him stay there, meaning he also thinks we could have got him out).  His limited perception means he can’t see the real reason things are happening to him, and so his mind is confused.  He is resistant to change.  He wants things to return to how they were before his accident. And as he’s now become institutionalised within the hospital, which is now his comfort zone, moving anywhere terrifies him!  Everyday he sits and worries about money, mum, how he can get back to his flat, what the doctors and nurses do or don’t do with, or for him. He has no real concept of how he will be restricted by his disability though, as he sees himself as ‘back to normal’ even though he clearly isn’t! Yet he doesn’t sit there whining or moaning all the time, when we visit.  He’s just grateful we are there with him, in that little space of time!

My mum strives to remain independent and it upsets her that she can’t do many things she used to.  Her mind is still all there thank God. But that means she can see the reality of her situation.  She knows her body is failing and she needs more hospital checks, more treatment that she needs our help to get. Her life must change!  She is scared about what is going to happen to her and the pressure her care is imposing upon us, the family! She worries about us, and what’s going to happen to Ron!  She worries about how we’re all going to cope with her and Ron’s needs in the future!  She spend most of her days alone with her television.  But apart from her occasionally mentioning ‘the pain was bad today’, or she’s ‘had enough of living this way’, you never hear her moan about her lot!  She’s just really grateful that she’s got the help she’s got!

So whilst I’m having to deal with a lot of matters on their behalf, experiencing frustration caused by bureaucratic rules, decisions about the future, form-filling, social workers, and Havering Borough Council (which I’m currently infuriated with), I’ve been worrying and moaning about what I haven’t got!  I haven’t got enough money to pay my bills! I haven’t got the time or impetus to promote myself or my work, which means I can’t earn the money to pay my bills.  I haven’t got the time or energy to do more for my mum, to spend every day sorting out her life, to visit Ron more at Stanmore, to making his life easier when he denies he has a problem!  I haven’t the confidence now to go out and give talks about what I know, to those who need my help!  I sometimes wonder if I’ve got the energy to be all I’m meant to be!  Maybe that’s the stumbling block to my success!

I see how I’ve been causing extra distress by not going with the flow. Where I’ve created resistance because I’ve been trying to priorities ‘fix-it’ needs, ignoring my desires by believing that once I sort out current problems, there will be a clear space for me to do what I want.  But the problems never stop do they? Which means that as problems are on-going, there will never be that clear space I’ve been seeking, for as long as I can remember!

So, I’ve decided that I’m expecting too much of myself, so must change my thought process – again!  If I was working with a client who was presenting the same situation as mine, I would help them find a way to do a little of everything they needed and wanted to do.  I would encourage them not to make vital decisions during such stressful times, but to ensure they worked toward their preferred goals.  I would encourage them to consider their needs as important as others, and to make sure if there are priority lists, their name and agenda is listed on it, not put off or delayed until the time is right!  So I must practice what I preach!

Even though I’ve ignored my needs for a long time, I’m not prepared to ignore the needs of my mum and Ron! I hate to see them suffering!  However, I am a product of my own neglect and now realise that whilst I strive to help others, instead of allowing the battle for priority to commence between them and me, I must fight to ensure we all get some of what we need – including me!  So I’m looking at what I can do now.

I can still juggle my finances somehow, for a time anyway! I can still help others when I can!  I can still say ‘NO’ when I’ve had enough!  And even though I’m not earning money through my work, I can still help others in various ways!  I can still write articles and blogs.  I can still create!  I can still learn something I didn’t know before!  I can still love and accept myself, others and life! I can still remember to be me and live my life in ways I choose, that make me feel happy and fulfilled!

I’m hoping that once I stop beating myself up for not doing more(which is driven by the ‘be perfect’ need that creates resistance), and allow myself to do what’s needed at the time(which will allow my anxiety to reduce), my energy will feel better.  And if I resist focussing on what I can’t do because of the stress I’m under,  I’m hoping my creative spirit will find its way to the surface, and allow my soul to lead me directly to the people I can help, in order to earn the money I need to survive!  As I endorse the ‘Everything is in perfect order’ belief, maybe that’s what this time of my life has been all about.  I’ll soon find out – wish me luck, please!

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